Hemidakota wrote:

Steve, I want to thank you for contacting me.  It's become evident to me as to I think why you and I have become acquaintances.  I want to tell you what's going on and perhaps you could share some of your wisdom.

I am currently embattled with a decision that the consequences could be long standing.  Back about 2 years ago, my wife had seeked out and contacted the first boyfriend she had just out of high school.  I told her that I was uncomfortable with her seeking him out, but I allowed her to make her decision.  A few months later, she meets with him, and they hung out, and actually the 3 of us went some places and visited, and it was friendly. I told her again that although I don't feel threatened by him, I'm still uncomfortable with him being around. She assured me that she was looking to catch up with an old friend, and that I had nothing to worry about.  As my profession in many cases requires, I have to work long hours.  In October of 2006 Kabe (the ex boyfriend) was charged with forcible rape and sodomy of another woman and a warrant was issued for his arrest. Kabe had contacted the Salt Lake City police department, that he would turn himself in, in a few weeks.  For those 2-3 weeks, he spent them at my home.  He slept on our sofa and I continually told Monica that I did not like this situation even more, and she made the case that he had nowhere else to go as he was kicked out of his apartment and he would be going to jail soon. Don't worry, is what she told me.  I worried but I trusted her implicitly. Some background on Kabe, he's a massive alcoholic, and he's been abusive to just about everyone in his life. I warned her that he would harm her, and potentially could rape you or kill you, and not even realize it, due to his being drunk practically 20 hours of the day. All of this was right before our 8th anniversary.  At the end of his stay, Monica drove him to the jail, and there he stayed for 9 months. Monica continued to write him letters, as did he, back and forth. Then right around Thanksgiving time, Monica told me that she had an affair with him, and slept with him on 2 separate occasions prior to his incarceration.  The 2nd time happening the day before our anniversary. She woke me up at about 3am, and told me. I was convinced I was having a nightmare.  It took several days for the sting to settle, but I honestly believed that she told me because she was very sorry, and that it wouldn't happen again. I instructed her to never contact him again. She disregarded my pleas. I figured that if I allowed her to end the relationship on her terms, that it would be final, and we could move on.  They continued to write each other for the 9 months he was in jail.  Eventaully Kabe was acquitted due to lack of evidence. Monica picked him up from the jail, and for a long time afterwards, they carried on the affiar. Then in December of last year, she says that she went to his house to visit, he was, as always, drunk, and she says that he raped her. She didn't tell me this until June of this year. She STILL was friends with him AFTER he raped her so I really don't believe that it was rape as she admitted that she didn't try to run, or strike him or anything that a rape victim would normally do.  So I still don't believe her.  From December 07 to June of 08, she still hung out with him, and he would call her incessantly. Then one afternoon, Monica told me that she was going shopping for our three boys, and her phone had called me without her knowing, and I could hear his voice and they were all laughing and carrying on, and it was just infuriating for me. I sat and listened for about 15 minutes, and when I had enough I called her back, and I asked her, who are you talking to? She lied to me and told me she was talking to a cashier at the mall. I told her I knew that wasn't true, and that I knew she had been with Kabe. She then admitted to it. This I think was in March or April of this year.  I had given her so many chances, and she continually thought it was more important to be with him, than it was to heed my counsel.  In January, her horse died, (I think Kabe killed her) and we moved out to a new place in NSL. 

I told her under NO circumstances was Kabe to know where our new house was. It was only a matter of weeks before she told him where we now lived. This was yet another slap to the face, as no matter what I would direct her to do, she was going to do what she wanted to do.  Kabe would call dozens of times a day. I told her that she couldn't talk to him any more, she still did. She eventually told him that he could only text her, and he respected that for like a few days. Then one night when he was calling over and over and over again, I answered the phone and told him that he could never talk to her again. He informed me that she was HIS, and that I could not have her. I failed as a husband in just being there for her emotionally and not spending time with her as I should have. Which is true, I spent many hours at work, so there is some truth there. I came home every night, but I was too tired to do much else than to just spend time on the forums. When I did try to do things with Monica, I wanted to include her in the activities that I wanted to do, but that never went over well. I did make time to go horseback riding with her and that was nice. I did my best to spend some time with her, taking her out to dinner, but it was never enough for her. I feel it was my fault that she strayed. I had given up on our marriage, and I was going to leave Monica and basically start over.

Anyway, so come late May as all this was going on, I had met someone at work (customer looking for parts for her project 4runner) who I feel that I was meant to meet.  A young woman who has a very similar background to mine, growing up around classic cars, drag racing, etc. We quickly became friends, and after about 2 months of just talking and texting, I told her that I was married. I told her vaguely that my marriage was in trouble due to an affair. When I told her, I expected her to never want to  talk to me again, as perhaps she may have felt led on. She was supportive, and told me that the best thing to do was to try to work things out, but bottom line do what was best for the kids, and so on.  Right around that same time, Monica found out that I had been texting her and she asked me who she was. I told her that she was a friend that I was helping to get parts for which was true, I just didn't tell her the extent of what we discussed.

Eventually she called her, and was nice to her, and well, everything came out. Mind you, the relationship I had with this other woman, was conversational, nothing else. Nothing ever physical had ever occured.

When I would talk to her, I felt like myself. I didn't feel like this weak spineless man that couldn't convince his wife to not see an ex, practically fed his own wife to the wolves, and for the first time in a year and a half I felt like myself.

Monica had pleaded with me not to talk to her anymore, and I agreed not to, but I couldn't. I still talked to her practically every day. Part of me felt justified because hell, she'd done it. (I know, bad but anyway, I'm venting) so anyways, I had developed strong feelings with this gal, however I never acted on them.

When we moved into the new house, the bishop of the ward, had visited and she had told him about the affair, and that she felt horribly guilty and desired to seek repentance. Well now, she's been disfellowshipped and is going through the ordeal of repentance.  Where does this leave me now?

We've been doing LDS family services counseling, I've returned to church, we're wearing our garments again, and reading scriptures nearly every night, and I've spent more time with her now than I have in probably the last 10 years of marriage. I am not feeling any better. I've read some LDS books on forgiveness, I've been able to forgive her yet again, however instead of feeling anger and hatred as I did before, I now feel intense depression. My performance at work is suffering and I feel as though since Monica is seeking forgiveness, that I should just move on and make things better. I spent the last 18+ months forgiving, and being bitten over and over again. I don't want to do it again. I can forgive, but I'm not willing to forget as I have strong feelings that since my job situation will not change, as it is a great job and provides a good home and decent living for my family.  Without saying as much, she inferred that it could probably happen again.

I don't want to deal with her anymore. I want her out of my life so that I can move on. The scripture reading, I think is the only thing sheilding our home from an evil spirit, and our kids see us argue, sometimes more than usual. I am so lost, hurt, and utterly crushed and I know, in the bottom of my heart that she WILL do this to us again, it's just a matter of time. I feel that I can never do anything right, or ever do enough to make her happy. 

I could really use some guidance.

Thanks for taking the time to read this novel, I look forward to your response.

Thanks again!