2 months ago (April 23 2011) my best guy friend, Mikey, died in a fire. I just feel the need to write. It'll be long..so feel free to read..or not. I just need to write.

Its been a tough 2 months and it seems to have gone by so fast. The day I found out my friend died I was in church. Sacrement had just finished and sunday school would start soon. I was sitting on the couch with a  friend(yw in my ward) when another YW came up and told me. I broke down and so did my friend. My church leaders gathered around us and they led us to the bishops office were I cried into my best friends shoulder. I've never cried so much in my life. I went through a box of tissues and leaned on my best friends shoulder thinking "How are my other friends? Do they know? ". I sat there while another yw started screaming. While my mother walked in and fell apart. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." She said to me and the others affected. "No one deserves to go through this, especially not in high school. High school is hard enough!" And, she sat next to me. I turned away from my friend and looked at my mom and cried. I cried, and cried. I started coughing and my nose ran. I sat there and nudged my mom over and over saying "I need to go to cassies. I need to be with my friends." My mom said, "just wait. God wants you here." She was right. I took my friends phone, and called my best friend from school Amanda. Her and Mikey we're also very close. I walked out of the building.

"Amanda? Do you know?" I sobbed into the phone

"Yes, I know. "

"Are we sure?"

"Yes, they're sure."

"We're meeting at cassies right?" I asked.

"Yes. Cassies." Amanda said.

"I'm going there soon. I love you Amanda."

"I love you lizzy, bye"

I walked back into the church and into the bishops office and returned to my mother and friends. My dad walked in and hugged me.

I recieved a priesthood blessing of comfort and many of the youth in my ward (and a ym and yw who were visiting) came into the bishops office and shared hugs and love. At that moment all I wanted to do was to go to my friend Cassies house. I knew everyone would gather there. I am glad I found out at church. I needed my fellow youth and priesthood leaders. I couldn't (and still can't) do this without them. I left the church at normal time. I walked into the hall and saw my HT there, I walked up, fell in his arms and cried more. I went to the car and my mom drove me home. I changed and my mom collected food. I went on facebook and checked to confirm what was going on. I messaged my friends who weren't affected by mikeys death and I begged them to pray for me and the others. And then I went to the car and got dropped off at my friends house.

I walked in with a basket of food and fell into my friends arms. Cassie ran up and hugged me snot dripping down her face. I tried to keep my cool and remember that I'll see Mikey again. We heard there was some sort of service at the school and went. We sat around playing games and crying. We left. All of us togather- we depended on each other. We dyed a red streak in our hair in rememberance. I stayed there until after dinner. I called my mom to pick me up. I walk to the car and she sees the red in my hair and ignores it. I walk in my house and go upstairs and cry. I go downstairs for water and my dad sees my hair and nods. Usually he'd be pissed, but he really understandss. My sister is unsupprotive as is my brother. My sister makes comments that hurt. My brother passes of my emotions as teenage drama.

I go to school the next day and I go to his locker. I wear a blue shirt with a mini pocket. He loved that shirt. I wear an iron on M on my chest. We take a picture by his locker. I stand next to Cody and I start to cry. He looks at Val and Me and we all exchange hugs. The day unfolds. Firs period English. My favorite class becauses I have all of my closest friends in it. We all sit in our group. Togather. Val crys, I hand out tissues. I cry and lean onto Cassie. Amanda sits there. Tina sits there. Marielle crys. I want my friends to be okay. I can't stand them feeling pain. My teacher says to the class that today will be rough. That we need to depend on each other and respect each other. She starts to cry as well. She passes out a letter issued by the principal. We read it silentley. And, we watch a Hamlet. I sleep.

Lunch comes and I can not bring myself to enter the lunch room. I go with my friends into the auditorium. It is pitch black. One of my friends gets on the piano and plays a song. Mikey loved that piano, he was an amazing musician with a scholarship to a famous music school. In the dark of the auditorium  I no longer pretend that I am handling this. I fall apart and cry into a friends shoulder. I walk down the hall alone and I see a friend of Mikeys that I barley knew. We walk up to each other and in the middle of the hall we embrace.

I go to class with a box of tissues. Cassie skips math and I fall apart. I sit at my desk jotting down notes as I try to hide the falling tears. My teacher ignores me and I am glad. I go home, I cry. I try and sleep. I can't. Instead I write.  I wake up, seminary, school. I walk through the hall and one of the YM in my ward come up to me and hug me. We skip class togather and go to the auditorium. There are students 15? 20? gathered on the auditorium stage in the pitch black. They sit togather while the YW in my ward plays the piano. We are togather.

home, cry, I go to the temple, I cry and I sleep. I sleep and I cry. I cry and I sleep.. I pretend to be strong. I tell my mom i'm fine. I try to support my friends. And then in the saftety of my bedroom I sit on my med and i cry. Every day was rough. Every day my goal was: "I can get to seminary. I can do that. I can get to school. I can get through lunch. I can go home. I can do this."

My grandmother calls and I am upstairs. "Lizzys going through a rough time" My dad says, "Her friend died. She was going to Prom with him so I guess they were very close." "I know mom" He says.

I know my grandparents are praying for me. I know my church leaders are praying for me. I try to be okay.

The days turned into weeks. His memorial service passed. And, I still miss him. A piano, the movie Monsters Inc, a card I made him but never got to give him, his locker, my friends crying, the ~ sign and his facebook all trigger my emotions and I fall apart.

Today is June 23 2011. Today I will graduate High school. Today I turn 17. And, today is the 2 month anniveresery when one of my cloest friends died.

Tags: Death Friendship Mikey Missed Atonment

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