My mind is the greatest battlefield and the sadness of my fall sunk in to my very soul. What was I thinking, the question that haunts me always, if my hurt is not a payment but my trial, I have all of these in my entire life, if I cannot perfect Gods commandment, as I am a sinner, after these sad life I will still have a sad life after death. He said He will forgive and forget and recompensate, but why do i feel that I am the exception of the savior's fate, that he did not saved me, but I have paid. And though I am giving up, why can't he let me give, well, if I die as payment of my sin, it would be much easier for me, having a hard time life, loneliness and hurt and pain and anger would make me suffer much. would that be His plan, to come to verdict where I pay for my sin while I am alive, through deep pain, unresolved hate and anger, through loneliness, through failure and through rejection. I am hopeless, and dying is like ending all the pain and rejoice of being nothing. At the end of these all, God will always be right and I am always be wrong. And as I am wrong, as I am sinful, I will suffer.