So I guess its about time for an update. Though, I really dont know where to start. My life is kind of in a heap right now. My boyfriend is leaving in 3 weeks to go to the MTC. He got called to the Charlotte, North Carolina Mission. He's extremely excited and is actually attending the temple for the first time tomorrow. I'm very excited for him as well. I have a lot of mixed emotions on the topic though. Not only is my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years leaving for 2 years, but my best friend, and pretty much my only friend is leaving where we will have no contact but letters for 2 years. He really is my only friend. For so long I was so content to have just one best friend and many aquaintances.. the best friend of whom I did eveything with.. anything and everything that happens on a daily basis.. and aquaintances, just people I might sit next to in class or be friendly with... not really people I would confide in or hang out with outside of school or church. This is the way it has been since 4th grade.. thats when I met my last real friend.. we remained friends until our senior year in high school.. before then though, I started dating Daniel (sophomore year in HS) and since Charlye and I are no longer friends, Ive just been content to always be with Daniel. Now that Charlye and I arent friends anymore and Daniel is leaving, I really dont know what I am going to do an am awful lonely. It seems that everyone has their place in groups at church and I dont really know where I fit in. I really dont know why Charlye all of the sudden resents me, but it does make things more difficult and awkward at church when she is around. Ive tried smiling at her and even waving or nodding my head but all I get is a turn of the head from her. I dont understand how someone can be so bitter... our relationship didnt end on a bad note whatsoever. She just up and decided we'd grown apart and she'd benefited from our relationship as much as possible and so their was no reason to continue it. Of course coming from a best friend of 8 years, thats tough in itself, but then for her to just be rude and hateful while we're around each other is plain immature. She even went as far as to collect all of the pictures she had of me and return them to me. And I know she went out of her way to do it because she had gave me pictures from like, 6th grade. Whatever. Anyway, I dont really know where to go to find new friends once Daniel leaves. Everyone in my area seems content and unwelcoming. I feel like an outsider in my own ward.. in my own stake.. the stake Ive grown up in since I was 8. As far as Daniel goes, there's a whole 'nother problem. We've dated for going on 4 years now and now he's leaving for 2 years. We've been fighting a lot lately over really stupid and random things. I keep telling him things between us have changed but he gets mad everytime I tell him. He says things are expected to change.. which, I completely understand, but the changes that have occured between us make me feel like our relationship has lessened. Little things that he used to do just to let me know he loves me... he no longer does. Just holding my hand.. or holding me.. he doesnt do it unless I ask or start it. I dont feel cherished like I used to. I love him so much and he says he loves me.. which, I believe him but I wonder if he just isnt willing to acknowledge that things have changed. Sometimes I wonder if he just loves me because thats what he's done for the past 4 years. I wonder if he is just going with the flow because thats the way its always been. He maintains that he isnt but I think sometimes that people dont like to acknowledge change... especially when we've been through so much together. All of this leads me to the question of whether or not I should wait for him. I know that I love him but in addition to all of the above, I've dated maybe 2 other people in the last 4 years. And those werent even dates.. that was just me hanging out with friends. I havent dated like the prophet and general authorities tell us to. I havent experienced much else but Daniel. Sometimes I wonder if he really is the one for me.. how do I know if I have nothing to compare him to? He makes me incredibly happy but how do I know if I can be happier? I would love to marry Daniel if things went back to the way they used to be.. he doesnt disrespect me or anything but I just feel like the fire has died down and we need to rekindle it. With how much I love and care about him, I really want this to happen but I cant help the thought that perhaps he just isnt the one for me. I believe it is completely possible to be in love with someone whom The Lord does not intend for you to marry. Every experience is a learning experience and we have no idea if that is exactly what The Lord has intended our relationship to be. And so, I'm faced with the decision to make.. Obviously I'm going to write him and keep in touch with his family AND date (if/when I'm able to get back into the social scene) but should I do more or less than this? Should we completely break it off and just see what happens in the end? This would break both our hearts but he will need to lose himself in The Lords work and even if it does break my heart, I need to do what The Lord wants me to do. I know that the answer to my dilemmna is to pray but Ive just felt so far removed from the spirit lately. With everything that's been going on, Ive just felt so discouraged and have slacked in my prayer and scripture study. I know that this has only made things worse but tonight I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to Heavenly Father and I do feel a bit better. I know that as long as I start doing as he commands, things will get better and I will eventually be able to get an answer. As I was pondering, I came across a talk on LDS.org.. its really enlightened me and has helped motivate me to get back on track. Its called "Gifts of the Spirit for Hard Times".. reading it was something I really needed.
As for school, the semester has ended and I just got my grades. I'm usually a 4.0 student.. have been since I can kindergarden.. my GPA for this semester was 1.92. I havent showed or told my dad yet, he is going to be devastated.. or perhaps furious.. both, really. Number one, he is kind enough to pay $8,000/semester plus books for me to attend ULV... number 2, he just does so much for me, I'm really going to disappoint him. This semester was just not my semester though.. in addition to everything going on with Daniel, I was admitted to the hospital twice, got into a car accident (aside from the 2 times at the hospital), flew to Oklahoma, and hurt my ankle. I'm not using these as excuses because I know that I chose not to attend class at times due to laziness or just pure stress but this semester was really just not my semester. When I realized the school would probably take my scholarship away because of my grades, I just burst into tears and couldnt handle it anymore. Being a full time student and taking 6 classes as well as working 20 hours per week, attending two institutes, and trying to spend as much time with my boyfriend before he leaves just did not work out for me. Its not like my dad is going to understand any of this though.. everytime he has to pay for something for my schooling, he complains and tells me I should go to Cal Poly.. he says I can get the exact same education there. He doesnt understand though that not only us ULV private, but its a lot smaller and has the exact programs that I want. I understand that my bad grades are a result of my bad choices and so I need to take the repurcussions but its obviously not something I'm going to like and will definitely hinder my future plans.
I'm realizing that this blog is full of negatives.. blogs usually are though so I dont feel too bad. Though, I really dont want people reading this to think I'm a depressed and negative person. Christmas was good. Lol, though it did make me even more sad because my dad got me so much and did so much for me and then I'm going to turn around and disappoint him. I also feel really guilty because I didnt focus on Christ much. He's done so much for me and the entire world and I couldnt even spend the holiday season focusedon him. Thats beside the point though, I feel better now that I prayed. Its wonderful to know that because of his great sacrifice, I can return to him and get back on the right path. Anyway, back to the happiness. Um.. you know, I really dont know. Daniel is going through the temple tomorrow. Thats happy. He's incredibly excited and I'm incredibly excited for him. Also, incredibly jealous though. I cant wait for the day that I'll be able to be endowed and enter The Lords House.
Daniels Grandpa died last week. Today was the funeral. In a way it has made me really happy.. his wife died about 15 years ago and thinking of the two reuniting is extremely joyous.. also, his family who has had some past disagreements has been brought together and unified. I pray it will last. Also though, the event is obviously very mournful and has drained me even more. I hadnt realized how close I was to the man until he died, I guess after being around the family for so long, he grew on me. He's a wonderful man, so full of light.. always bright and smiling.
Theres lots more I could talk about but I think this blog is good enough for now. We'll see how long it takes me to write another one.

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