What have i become? I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what changed things. Is this me? I never realized that i was walking down the wrong path until i was too far off my original course that it was too late to turn back. I don't even know what happened.

Things have hit me real hard the past couple days. It has really dawned on me that i need to get my act together. I knew i was a little offtrack...not quite where i wanted to be.....but more and more i am seeing that i am more than just a little off course. i am miles and miles off.

If i were to go back in time even just a year ago and see a flash of where i am at now, i would have a hard time believing it. In some ways i find it funny that i have managed to end up where i'm at now. I dont know why it has taken me so long to see the seriousness of the circumstances i have put myself in. Life aint just fun and games..and i guess i'v always known that. Life really isn't that enjoyable as a general rule. Or maybe that's my own fault.

What is wrong with me? why do i fail to care about things that really are vital to my success in the world. slowly, more and more of the things in my life are reflecting my poor choices. I dont know why i dont care. I want to...i suppose. I ought to care shouldnt i? That's what people do isnt it? They care about themselves and they try to be succesful. Peoples ideas of success may vary but as a general rule people try to succeed in some aspect of life

At the moment i really dont think i'm accelling at anything. I'm getting better and better at being rude and defying authority. I'v always been pretty good at that but it's getting to the point that im not sure why I havnt been shot yet. I am ridiculously rude. I think it's funny soemtimes but i see that maybe im in the wrong...even though that hurts like heck to say it. yeah...maybe im wrong...

I guess i'm not right all the time. I can't be. When i look at myself, i see that. What have i accomplished? absolutely nothing. Im going downhill. not just a gradual slope downwards either. It's a downhill plunge. I dont know how i havent managed to see how far im falling until just now.

I know what i need to do...i need to start working harder. i need to start living some better standards...but i just feel that i can't. Why am i so weak? why is it so hard for me to stay on track? Why do some many others seem to have no problem staying on track? Why is it so easy for others to do what they need to do and to be successful in life, when im left here hanging killing myself to even think about doing what im told is the right thing? Is it my own personal weakness that it all comes down to? i wish i could figure things out.

I'm not going anywhere in life. I'm so young...i still have time to change. why do i focus so much on the present? if i were to pull myself together now, very little of the crap im dealing with now will affect me in the future. So i acknowledge that...i can see that, so why is it so difficult for me start changing?

I feel like crap all the time. WHY? why do i do this to myself? i smile and I laugh...people think im a happy person. But i'm really not. There are moments of joy...jokes to laugh at...reasons to smile, but my overall mindset is that of a bitter, angry young mind. is it just easier for me to feel that way?

i have never been so frustrated in my life....at least if i knew why the heck i act that way taht i do, i wouldnt be so frustrated. i want an answer and so far the only one i can come up with is because i just want to be unhappy and i enjoy making myself feel like crap. i'm stubborn as a mule...heck even moreso than a mule. maybe i just dont want to change. i realize that i need to..but i dont have balls enough to actually take the steps necessary to start makin my life better.
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It's an aweful feeling when you are aware that you are a screw up. It feels bad to know that you have and are making choices that really are not the greatest ideas. It's a terrible feeling to not know WHY or what motivated you to make these idiotic decisions. And as much as it hurts to know that you're a screw up, it hurts ten times worse when you see the looks on the faces of those that have lost respect for you. It's sad enough when you give up on yourself...but it peirces a hole in ones heart when those who used to care are just so exhausted from trying to help you without results, that they themselves give up. Because then who then is left to care?

why does it matter if anyone cares anyway..that's stupid. If you're worthless, then it's not worth it for anybody to care. When you pull yourself together, that's when people will flock to you again. It ###### ya know....if you arent strong, there's no one else to carry your weight. Things might say differently, but the truth hurts..and the truth is that you gotta be there for yourself cause in the end you're all you really got.

It's sad...and it hurts...a lot. But in order to move on, i need to get over that. i guess it's just a matter of how long i decide to wallow in the misery i created for myself before i start tryin to dig myself outta the ditch im in. The problem is, the longer you sit at the bottom of the pit feelin bad for yourself, the deeper the ditch gets.

i dont even know where im goin with this. i just keep repeatin myself and im not sure if i even know what im trying to say.

basically, i feel like crap, im doin poorly in all aspects of my life, and somethin needs to happen to change it. all i have is myself, and so far that hasnt been enough to get me through anything. all im good for is makin crap. crap for myself and crap for everyone else.

What on earth have I become?

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