having been actively blogging in several other locations over the last few years, it shall be an interesting exercise in restraint and the practising of spiritual principles for me to write something family-rated for a change.

change begins from within. it is difficult for me - especially when worked up - to refrain from profanity and vulgarity and it has been bugging me for some time now. although i know that i do not need to be that way. it's a choice i make.

having quite recently (less than 1 week ago) finally plucked up the courage to return to church, i am overwhelmed by the reception i received from some family i found there. i pretty much sneaked in and out, but saw my sister-in-law and sat with her for the Sacrament meeting, before leaving. we spoke for some time after the service before i left to return home. she says my older brother, her husband, will be incredibly excited to have me back at church after so many years; it has been almost exactly 16 years since i became inactive. my brother has just recently been appointed to some Stake position which has him travelling around to various Wards in the Stake area. i'm not entirely certain what position it is.

i am quite excited to be in touch with my estranged family again. my brother also spent several difficult years battling alcoholism and nicotine. he has found his way back into the fold and i hope that we can heal old wounds and close the distance between us because i believe that he could be a great source of strength for me as well as a great sounding wall for questions i may have.

i have been sad for many years. my heart has been broken and my clothing has been stained by my own blood where the jagged edges of my broken heart have pierced the flesh between my ribs, protruding outward, where they are jarred and bruised by the world about me.

i admit the world makes no sense to me. i cannot get my head around it. but what i have come to believe is that i do not need to understand the world around me for me to begin to accept my life, to accept myself. this is quite a new revelation. understanding the world would not make it any less overwhelming.

what i have also come to believe is that there can be only one solution to my pain, my exquisite tenderness. this solution has never been further away than around a foot-and-a-half. that's the distance from my knees to the floor. even so, i am still struggling with handing my will and my life over to my Heavenly Father. i am struggling to implement and maintain a daily spiritual program. He reminds me most days to pray and to ask for guidance and to be forgiving and patient and kind and charitable and loving and gentle, and some days i actually listen. those days are often really great days.

i ask really nicely sometimes, to just please help me. please, please, please, please, please. help me to change. help me to stay clean and sober. help me to love my children and their mother. help me to face each day's challenges with courage and integrity. help me to be grateful. help me to be selfless. help me to not be ashamed of who and what i am. help me to become the child of God that I was always meant to be. help me to find my purpose in this life. help me to find my way home.

i believe that i have made a really good decision in returning to church. i know that my path of recovery will lead nowhere without my Heavenly Father and His son in my life. without the guidance of the Holy Ghost, how can i ever truly make any significant progress?

there is one verse which has been stuck in my head for some time now and another which is equally significant:

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

"For what shall it profit a man if he should gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

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