March of 2006 was a terrible time for me. One stupid mistake that i made that month created a domino effect and there has been a lot going on in my life since then. Most of which was because of that first domino i knocked over.

So it's been just over a year now since this whole ordeal had started. i had been in somewhat of a funk several months prior to the incident last march, but after that, my life was thrown way out of whack. I dont really have room to complain because it is only my fault, but man life has been hard.

I hate myself for making life so difficult. I hate that i want to find someone or something else to blame. It kills me to admit that I am the cause of most everything that has gone wrong in my life. But it is my fault, and though it hurts like heck, im admitting it. It's all my fault.

i want things to change, and that of course begins with me. I speak of how i should change...in this blog....yet im not doing anything differently. As a matter of fact, Im just getting worse and worse off. I write blogs in here talking about how i need to climb out of this rut that i have fallen into, yet each time i write a new blog I have somehow managed to have dug myself 3 feet deeper than i was the last time i wrote. what the heck is wrong with me. It would be one thing if i didnt see the problem or realize that i need to change. but it is quite another when i see very clearly what is going wrong and what i need to do, but i just dont do it. Maybe i really dont want to do anything about the way i feel and about the way that my life is going. I have total control but at the same time i dont have any. I dont even know if that makes sense but its really how i feel.

Last Thursday i left and took a trip with my family in a 14 hour car ride to Georgia to attend my grandmothers funeral. I was never very close with my grandmother and she had been very sickly and was quite old. It was no surprise to our family at her death, but it was still a very sad event.

While in georgia, i was able to meet two half sisters that i have which i had not previously seen or heard from the one since i was 9 years old and the other since i was 4 years old. It was quite an awkward meeting at first but things warmed up.

So i guess you get the good with the bad sometimes. It's not always just bad. Lose a loved one and gain 2 that you never knew were really there.

I think that this trip with my family was somewhat of an eye-opening experience. When at home on any normal day, i really dont spend too much time around my family. We dont do anything together really and especially this past year, i havent been around them any real period of time.

On a 14 hour road-trip in a minivan cramped with 7 people and suitcases and pillows, it is hard to escape your family though. I never really thought that my younger brothers would have much to offer me in the ways of wisdom, but i got a smack upside the head from one of them that really got me thinkin.

first off, the road trip on the way up sucked. I got into a little physical altercation with my older brother...it's really quite a stupid story but i was really upset that everyone in my family seemed to think that it was perfectly appropriate for my brother to yank my head and strike out at me if i annoyed him. apparantly he was justified in doing that because he had a headache. And apparanly Im completely in the wrong because i retaliated and scratched him on the face. anyway...stupid teenage crap. I dont nkow why taht bothered me so much but it really really did. My heat-rate goes up and my fists nearly clench just talking about it.

But whole new scenerio...about my little brother teaching me something. I cant even remember how it came up, but basically the whole family decides that they ought to pick on me....the same thing happened when we did this same roadtrip last may. It's not in my head, it's not my imagination. My family picks me out..picks at me.

I hate it. They sit there and point out all of my flaws. It makes me so angry. I shouldnt even have room to be angry because most of the things that they say really are true. But there is no escape in a stuffy minivan going down I-95. Right about in the middle of this, my 7 year old brother, his first time speaking up says, "*funkyfool*, i think it's just that you dont care" and i said..."what do you mean i dont care?" and his response is "well it's the truth, you just dont care about anything. you dont like anything, i dont know"

maybe im thinking too much. but man, i think that kid was right. it hit me like a bulldozer goin 90 miles an hour. then i shoved away the feeling to tell him to shut up. lol. but i had to think about it later on.

why the heck am i so rude

i am so worthless. i have accomplished nothing. Im freaking on probation, kicked out of school. the school i attend now, im flunking out of. I'm worth nothing in my family. I bring nothing to them except pain and irritation. I cant even be a good person in ldstalk.com chat room. everyone in real life thinks im a jerk. and everyone online thinks im a jerk. maybe that ought to tell me something.

so WHY the heck do i not change? i SEE what my flaws are. heck, i have them rubbed in my face. i know what they are. I dont take pride in them. i know HOW to make a change in my life. i know how to be polite. im capable of passing school. im capable of so much.

So why not make a freaking change? It's not like im happy this way.

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