So I feel the need to write a blog.. though I really dont know what about. I just got home from institute a couple hours ago feeling the need to do so...
Institute was awesome as usual. I wish I could go more often. I want my life to be completely filled with the gospel. I want my life to revolve around the church and its principles.. I dont want to just fit it in whenever my schedule permits... like going to institute tuesday and thursday nights only when I dont have homework or something else isnt going on. I feel that there have been a few times in my life where this was the case, when my life was centered on the gospel but lately it hasnt been. I'm wondering if I'm having such a hard time doing this because of something I havent completely repented for. Well, its either that, or I'm not forgiving myself and allowing myself to move on. I know what the thing is, but I dont remember all the specifics and it keeps coming to me in my thoughts. I've heard that in the repentence process, one has not fully repented until they are spiritually where they were before the sin took place. I definitely am not at the place and I also know that once fully repented, The Lord forgets it, and so should we. So does it keep coming to my mind because I havent fully repented?.. or because I dont really remember the specifics, have I and I'm just not forgiving myself? I know the answer is to pray, and if in doubt, just talk to my bishop.. so I'm not really looking for any advice on the topic.. just simply writing a blog.
I feel that once this is figured out, my life will take its proper course. Often when I go to institue and YSA activities, I feel very alone and secluded. I've wanted ever since even before Daniel left, to feel a part of a group of friends. I do have friends, but I want to have fun.. go on dates.. I want the church and a church social life to fill my life. Though, I'm sure this will all happen in due time and perhaps I just need to be more grateful and more aware of what I have.
Aside from this, I'm afraid I have a problem. I wont explain the complete situation because it is now the most embarrassing moment of my life, but I have a date this weekend with a boy I only met about a month ago. Again, only ONE month ago, and he's already told me he loves me. I dont know what to do. I havent talked to him on the phone aside from making the date plans, and maybe 3 or 4 times online. He's really excited about our date.. apparently we're having dinner with his family and then going to a YSA activity. I told him it had to be a double.. he said it is because "all his friends will be there." One thing I havent mentioned is that he is mentally disabled.. I think he has autism. When he told me he loved me, I didnt respond for a while.. then he asked if I loved him too. I said only as a friend.. we hardly know each other and that we're barely going to go on a date.. we need to see what happens from there. He seemed to understand but today when he called to verify our date, he told me he loved me on the phone before he hung up. I'm obviously going to drive us on the date.. because he doesnt drive.. and on my dash board I have a picture of Daniel. I dont know what to do about that.. the principle of the matter is that I'm not going to take down my picture of my boyfriend just because I dont want to offend another boy.. who KNOWS I have a boyfriend.. but then again, its really going to hurt him. The worst of all this is that its pretty much all my fault.. now dont get me wrong, I havent led him on or anything, but this is the embarrassing part that I dont care to share... though I'll tell enough to let you know WHY its my fault.. the first time he called me, I thought he was my grandpa who I hadnt talked to in 4 years whom I had just found out had had a 2 strokes and is now completely paralyzed on his left side. So I get this phone call from someone I cant really understand, and I assume its my grandfather whom I was supposed to visit the next day. I tell him I'll be there at 1 to visit him, tell him I love him.. and hang up. After THREE phone calls of talking to this boy thinking its my paralyzed grandfather, I realize what a dork I am and feel.. well, you can only imagine how I felt. So I had to call this boy up and tell him I wouldnt be at his house at 1, I told him I didnt know what I was talking about and that I was embarrassed and would explain to him later. I did that yesturday.. I told him he and my grandfather sound alike on the phone and I thought I was talking to my grandfather, which is why he was probably confused with all the things I was saying. He agreed that it was a pretty embarrassing situation but then he proceeded to tell me he loved me. I'm still going to go on the date this weekend, he's very excited, I just dont know what to do about the whole situation.
::sigh:: So you can stop laughing now..
I just got back from Hawaii on Sunday. It was a blast.. we did some diving, night diving.. dove with some manta rays.. saw some sharks, sea turles.. and a frog fish which was pretty cool. The Manta dive was awesome, we dove with a ray named Lefty.. he liked my dads light so he came so close he actually hit my head with his wing about 4 times. We went on a waterfall tour and saw about 7 waterfalls.. did a volcano tour.. and went to a luau. I also got the chance to go to the Kona temple.. it was beautiful. The trip was really awesome and I came away learning a lot.
When I got home on Sunday, I went straight to visit my grandfather on my moms side in Torrance where he lives. My uncle called me a few months back telling me he was going to visit his dad and that I should come since I hadnt seen anyone on that side of the family in quite a few years. It wasnt until about a week ago that I found out my grandpa was paralyzed. I also found out this past weekend that my great grandmother on that side of the family passed away. It was all really awkward because I'm not really part of that side of the family but it was nice to see my grandpa and see that he was happy to see me. I also was able to catch up with 2 uncles and hear about how my mom is doing... which apparently is not so well. Another thing that was awkward was that they are all filipino.. which, I am part filipino as well but because I was raised by my dad, I'm not really cultured in the way they are and I really had no idea of any of the things they were talking about pertaining to the Filipino culture, ie foods and people and etc. They just really have Filipino pride and I'm technically part of the family but am completely ignorant to the culture.
Hmm.. I think that's it for now.

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