(Note: This isn't so much for readers as it is for me. I want this stuff documented so it will likely be really long, but you're welcome to read if you'd like.. lol, though I doubt you will.)

... and yet, night will come again!

Today is Christmas day and I have to go back to work tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday. It seems tonight is the end to a very eventful and fun filled high. However, New Years Eve and New years is just around the corner.
I guess the best thing to do would be to start from the beginning. I shopped a lot last week.. one of my most favorite things to do. On thursday I took my friend, Helen, to Disneyland for her Christmas present. We had such a great time. We got lots of pictures and were able to spend some quality time together that we rarely get. We went on Nemo.. which was super awesome.. and she cried when it "submerged" because she "can't swim." It was hilarious. We met some nice people and went on EVERYTHING. We laughed a lot and talked a lot and it was just a wonderful time. The only downside to the day was that it was FREEZING. Perhaps not actually 32 or below, but it was definitely freezing for So Cal weather. I was also reminded of Daniel an awful lot. Disneyland used to be a special date night thing for us. I think I'll just copy and paste something that is relevant to this that I've already written.
There was a couple in front of me in one of the lines that were so in love. It's like they were in a trance and the only ones in the world to each other. He constantly wanted to touch her even if it was only her hand or the tip of her finger. He rubbed her arms to keep her warm without her having to say ask. He massaged her shoulders just because.. They were so in love. Everywhere there were guys touching their girlfriends in all the wrong places just to get some action, but this guy in particular was touching her so softly and delicately and all because he loved her.. for the right reasons. You could see it right away. He absolutely adored her and just wanted to be as close as he could. As I thought about me and Daniel, I remembered we had that. We went to Disneyland at least once or twice a month and I started thinking about all the good times at Disneyland.. then I started thinking about all the good times in general. I hate to say it, but he's one of a kind, and I don't think I can have the relationship I had with him, with anyone else. He's superb. He loved me exactly the way I want my husband to love me.
That's the end of the copy and paste, but I suppose now would be a good time to explain other feelings I've felt concerning Daniel. Before yesterday, I hadn't gotten a letter in two weeks. This was after not really receiving anything for 2 months plus, and then him promising he'd be better. That lasted a week and then I didn't get anything for two weeks. Though I handled it well, in times like that, I can't help but wonder. I sort of had a minute break down, but then got over it. My plan was that I couldn't talk to Daniel on the phone today and pretend like everything was okay.. like I had been receiving letters all this time.. and I certainly couldn't talk to him and ask him about it with the potential of receiving bad news and ruining the phone call for him and his family.... Soooo... the plan was not to talk to him unless I received something. Long story short, I know I was blessed with a piece of mind when I wrote Daniel Sunday night. I told him in the best way possible that I wouldn't continue to ask for affirmations of his love for me (because that would only distract), so we need to set things straight and make some kind of decision. Well, Monday morning I went to Christmas Eve Breakfast with his entire family and all was well. I wasn't too worried and had a great time. I absolutely love his family. We had quiche, exchanged presents, and played games. Then Christmas Eve evening, I was with his immediate family at his house. We sang Christmas hymns, opened presents, and hung out. It was awesome. It's so great to know his family loves me like I'm a part of them. They really make me feel welcome and like I fit in.
Anyway, today was Christmas. I opened presents with my family, went to Christmas dinner with the whole family, and then went to Daniel's house for his phone call. I have to admit, I was extremely nervous and even a little scared. He finally called and I didn't know what to say when it got to be my turn. I told him I loved him and that I got his letters. Speaking of which, in one of them he said, "Do you realize I'm thinking of you?" That was my way of telling him that I understand that we're okay. The phone finally got around to me again and he asked if we could turn off the speaker phone so we could speak in private. We did. He told me I need to be dating. He said he didn't want to scare or worry me, but "neither of us know what is going to happen when he gets home, so we need to be ready." I was quiet. He asked what I was thinking and I told him he was right. I told him that I want to do what we are supposed to be doing and I'm trying hard to be the best I can be so I'm worthy of him when I get home. I asked him if he had any plans of not working out, he said no and that he loved me. In all honestly, I'm torn. I have no idea what to feel. I feel ecstatic that he still loves me and that there is in fact hope.. but I can't help but feel a tad frustrated. He doesn't realize there's no one to date around here. Most guys know I'm attached to Daniel so they don't ask me out.. and most other guys I've grown up with and know I'm not interested in. There are only so many people that go to the activities around here and they're the same guys that we around when he was here.. there's a reason I chose him.
Overall, I'm happy. Daniel loves me and I love him. I AM going to put some effort into dating.. though I need to figure out exactly how to do that. If I dated non-LDS guys, I'd have plenty of people to date.. it's just kind of different in the church when we all know each other. I really am ecstatic. He loves me!
There was one moment on the phone today when it almost felt like old times. His family was having a side conversation and me and Daniel had just a moment to talk without anyone listening. I was smiling and joking with him.. it was wonderful. I cant wait until he gets home. I really do hope it works out bewteen us. This may just be the young girl naivete, hopeless (ignorant) romantic in me.. but I can't imagine that any guy could make me as happy as he makes me.
And now to back track. Friday night we went to the river. Saturday morning we went Paintballing with Tommy, Devin, her boyfriend Michael, me, my dad, and Shawn. It was soooo much fun. I've got some battle wounds that make me wince nearly everytime I move, but it was well worth it. We played three games and all three we action packed. My dad freakin lit me up from like, 3 feet away while he asked if I surrendered. As I screamed yes, he refused to stop shooting me. At one point, my dad had Tommy laying flat on a hill while he pummeled him. It was hilarious. Devin got me pretty good on my hip too.. that's the one that hurts the most. After paintball, me and Christy cooked tacos. They were delicious as always. Later that night, we played dice games.. and everyone was drunk.. it was hilarious. Sunday morning I went to church. It was awesome to be there on Christmas Sunday. I didn't bring an outfit that worked out because I was in a hurry to pack, so I ended up wearing jeans. It was the first time I had ever worn casual clothes to church on Sunday. I felt like people looked down on me.. and especially the older ladies, but eh, it was great. Hmm.. after church, we all went out to the buffet for breakfast and then we went shooting and riding. Riding is always fun but the highlight of the outing was that I got to shoot a 22 hand gun. I SOO want one. I was actually pretty good with it.. I think my dad is going to buy one.. lol, however, he's got a felony and felons can't buy guns in California, so it looks like it's going in my name. Woot woot. I think it'll be fun to get good with it.
Daniel told me today that he's been shot at with hand guns. He didn't tell us at the time to spare our worrying, and he also told us he's been chased by tons of pit bulls.. I promised him Parker would only love him when he gets home.
Sunday afternoon we had Christmas dinner at the river with our river friends. I'm glad we met them and that they are in our lives. They are proof that good people don't have to be Christian or even religious. I love them, they're awesome.
I've been thinking a lot lately that I need to live in the moment more. I think the reason I can't relax even though I'm on break is because I'm constantly looking forward to and thinking about the future. Daniel only strengthened this feeling for me today. He is completely living in the moment.. taking care of what he's got to do NOW. Whereas, I'm here.. hoping and waiting for something that is a year off. Perhaps if I lived in the moment more, I would find it easier to date. He has absolutely no thought for what will happen when he gets home, and because of that, he can more fully enjoy and direct his efforts to now.
Tonight after Daniels phone call, when everyone either settled in or left, me and his sisters did kareoke. It was soo much fun. I was pretty terrible at it, but it was fun nonetheless. As I sat there, (and this is really cliche, but..) I thought that there really always is "light behind the clouds." No matter how rough life may get, it's good times like tonight that make it so worth it. No matter how much we struggle, #1- someone always has it worse, and #2- there's so much good in the world. There's so much to look forward to.. so much to laugh about.. and so much to just love and enjoy. I think people would be a lot more content if they could just realize the little things in life that make life happy.
I felt all day today like it was the sabbath. Christmas is a day to commemorate the birth of Christ... to remember him and think of him. It totally should be treated as the sabbath.
I'm wondering if I should go to the river this weekend. It's going to be a blast.. The people, the riding, shooting, paintballing, visiting, playing games.. oh my. However, there will also be crazy partying, drinking, and hilarious drunks. I'm going to voluntarily surround myself with that environment. Is that such a Christ-like decision? No. But do I miss out on all the other things... spending time with the family and all other activities.. because of an eve of filth? I know what my decision in the end will be, but I wonder if perhaps in the future I will be good enough to make a better choice. I justify myself by knowing that I have just as much fun surrounded by those things without partaking in them, but do I really not partake in them? Sure, I dont drink or anything like that, but I'm indulging and endorsing just by being there.
I just want to be good enough for Daniel. He's what I want and what I should aspire to.

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