He had the knife and duct tape sitting on the counter.  He said he wanted me to sit in the chair and he was going to gut me like the piece of trash I was, because I was from the Al Quieda and was out to get him supposedly. He was so out of it, he was raving nonsense about everything and how he was going to punish me for everyone trying to get him. For some dumb reason, in spite of him almost strangling me that night, I managed to get out the words, I need to go think about this for a minute, can I go outside and think about this?.  I am not sure to this day why I said this, other than the good Lord must have put those words in my mouth.  He let me go outside, and I ran away and called the Police.  They came in and it took six of them to get him out of the house, he was so drunk and drugged out.  I will never date anyone who has drug and drinking problems again especially if I find out about it.  I left him over that.

The trials of Job struck again, and I was left without a lot because of him, and was so ill I went back to Idaho to live for a while. I went for a few years alone after that one, and then one more guy came into my life.  I was pretty fearful of all guys at that point.  He convinced me that he was ok, and that nothing was going to happen, so I dated him for a bit.  He was a member of the church, so I thought it might be ok even though he had a smoking problem and he said he was working on some things. I should have listened when I just was feeling a bit odd about the whole thing even when it seemed to be going great. We ended up getting married, and then the nightmares started all over again.  He started acting strange, and refused to go to work, then started telling me that if I did not go out and pick up the paperwork, do the interviews for him and get him a job, it was my fault if he did not work.  He took all of my money that I was bringing in, and was using it to buy games, and all kinds of junk that we did not need. 

Then he started to trash the house, leaving huge messes everywhere.  He treated me pretty well, but he just was wrecking everything a little at a time.  The last straw came when I went into the back room and was going on my computer to look up something.  I clicked on the history to go back to the page I was on earlier that day and I found something that looked like a page for kids toys.  I thought maybe he had been looking at some toys for the kids, so I clicked on it to see if it was something we could get for them.  I was horrified to find out it was a child porn site.  He came in right after I clicked on it, and I confronted him about it.  He broke down in tears and admitted to not only having an addiction to that, but that he was a pedophile.  I was so blessed to have not had my kids around him then.  I left him after that too.  I knew that even if I loved him, how do you trust someone like that around kids?  What hurt worse was that I was pregnant at the time, and I lost the baby with all of it.  It may have been a blessing in disguise though, as I would never have wanted a child around someone like that, and I am sure he would have wanted to see his baby. 

I did not date after that for a few years again.  I finally about three years ago dated one last guy, and that one hit me the closest to home.  He had three beautiful children, and was also lds.  He said he was going to the temple, and swore up and down that he would follow the teachings of the church.  I dated him for a while, and he very quickly had all of those kids calling me mom.  They were great kids, just as sweet as could be, a pair of twins and a little girl.  I was troubled though as the house was always filthy, just nasty as could be, so I would come over and clean it up for the kids’ sake.  I also started buying food and bringing it over for the kids, as he claimed to have no money, and was afraid that he would not be able to feed them.  I fell for it hook, line and sinker.  In my desire to help, he kept using that as an excuse to try to date me, and began to push me trying to get me to do things way out of line with the gospel.. I finally said no more and left him over that.   That was a while before my birthday in September.  That following Christmas he flipped out and killed his kids and tried to commit suicide.  It was a horrible time for me, as at the same time, I found out my landlord had sold the house I was renting, and I had no place to go except back to my parents’ house.  I sometimes wish I had seen it coming too, and could have stopped what happened there, but no one could have known. 

I never dated even after that, not till this day.  I guess the heartache got too me a bit too much.  It is not for lack of offers, as there are many here who would if I gave them a chance.  It is more that I knew I honestly needed the time to heal, and the counseling to break the chain. 

I found quite a bit about myself when I went to the counseling, and I would recommend it for anyone who has been through dark times like these.  I was blaming myself for everything that happened, and yes some of it I could have prevented, but a lot of it was out of my control.  I also learned that I can still do things even if someone knocks the feet out from under me I can still pick myself back up and rebuild my life. In spite of my first ex’s actions, I had a house, a job and was providing food, clothing, beds and toys for my kids for the first bit when he dumped us on the streets practically.  In spite of my second ex’s actions, I managed to get back on my feet and got away from the problems he was causing. And even now, I have an apartment, I have my dog, and I am providing for what I need with what I have thanks to the Good Lords blessings.  I know the good Lord provides a way where there is a will to keep the commandments and keep fighting for what is right.  I have been through fire, flood, tornado, car wrecks, near drowning, been shot at, and even been through murder.  I know all too well that  life is not easy at times. I know it can be flat nightmare sometimes, but if you stick to the faith, and do not be afraid to do the right things, eventually it does all work out.

Shun evil, do not be afraid to stand up and say no to someone who is doing evil in your life, get away from the evils that are around you.  It is ok to get out of a situation if you are being abused or are being threatened.  You do not have to take it, and should not. 

A true friend is one that loves you and cares about you.  A true relationship is one built on real friendship, where you lift each other and help each other, not drag each other down and degrade and insult each other.  Hearts are made for hope and caring.  I know the Good lord has allowed me my mistakes, and allowed me to go through the trials from choosing badly on whom to date. He gave me the free choice that I might learn from it, and grow from it down the road. If I had listened to the spirit on the first three I would never have gone through what I did.  In all three cases, I did not listen to that little niggling feeling that something was not quite right or as it seemed.  I found out the hard way to trust that feeling.  That is why I left the last person I dated.  I learned from my mistakes and resolved never to date anyone that had that kind of feeling around them. 

God does not intend for us to suffer in life, he intends for us to live life to its fullest, with the right kind of person.  He wants us to be happy, to have what we need, and to be able to work through the trials of life.  He wants us to follow the commandments, and to keep those things out of our lives that are evil. He gives the guidelines on dating for a reason.  If things fall outside those guidelines then you really need to seriously look twice at the relationship. I found that often when people are having obvious problems in one area, they often have hidden problems in another that still have to be dealt with.  I am not saying do not date someone who has minor problems, as no one is perfect, but I am saying with major issues, especially porn, drugs or alcohol, please be careful and be wise.  These are serious, and can have lasting effect on everything in the lives of those who are around it.  People may think they can handle it, but you have to be aware that these are all addictions and lifelong problems for those who do get into it.

People can change, but remember and remember this well, you can change yourself, but you cannot change others who do not wish to change.   I made that mistake before thinking I could change my ex’s lives, but that was never the case.  You cannot make someone change what they are doing, especially if they do not wish to change.  You can only change your pattern of life so that you are not being dragged down into the middle of their problems.  Life is not about living as a slave to another’s whims or whimsy. It is about true friends and learning from the past to keep it from happening again, and to make it better for the future. 

A true friend is caring, respectful and sharing.  A true friend is about love, not lust.  A true friend is one who lifts you up, helps you stand when times are rough, and never deliberately does things to hurt or harm or cut others down.  A true friend is one that has all the Christ like attributes in the measure that they can humanly have, maybe not perfect, but striving for the best kind of life they can live. I always look now for someone temple worthy before I even would look at dating someone.  The main reason being that someone who is temple worthy has already gone before the bishop and passed the exam.  That does not mean that they might not have lied to the bishop, as my ex’s would show, but it does mean that it rules out a number of things that are possible, and narrows down the search a bit. 

There is a great little pocket guide to dating guidelines too put out by the church.  If you do not have it, I would highly recommend getting a copy.  Even if you are older it still applies.  It is called for the strength of youth, and it is a very handy guide to what should and should not be on a date.  I hope you read it.  There are also a lot of good answers on the lds website for dating, and for what to do if things go wrong.  Never be afraid to say no, or to stop something that is going out of control.  Never be afraid to leave a situation where thing are to the point of abuse.  One little step can save or change a life, and this is one step that is very important.  Know the laws and the reasons behind them.   God gave these for a reason, and when you step outside the laws, there are always repercussions, some of which can be extremely painful or even dangerous. 

One little step can change a life.  Chose wisely where you take that step, and with who.  May your lives be blessed and guided by the Holy ghost and Heavenly Father, Amen.