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A Court of Love...Part 10
Posted On 03/14/2008 13:06:17 by AnnieO
That's completely irreverent I know - but I don't care right now.

I actually feel hungover today as strange as that sounds. Last night took a little over two and half hours. Strangely since last Sunday I never panicked, well I did I panicked that I was panicking.

I have read every single piece of information I could find out there about disciplinary actions. I worried and spiralled out of control in blind panic a week ago. I don't think I've ever done something as difficult as I have done this last few weeks, culminating in last night. I'll go a little further into what happened later on. Right now it is still overwhelming to me.

After the bishopric had finished their deliberations I was invited back in, thankfully they allowed a friend to come with me who knew everything that was going on. We went back into the bishop's office. He started off by saying that they had reached their decision, but first he wanted me to understand the enormity of my sin. I sat and listened to him for about ten minutes whilst he gave the explanations and outcomes. That ten minutes felt like an eternity all in itself. I knew that they had made a decision. I knew that I had felt some sort of assurance last week that I would not be facing excommunication. But in those moments as I sat there, it came across my mind again. Bishop then began telling me that throughout their deliberations and prayers, they had been feeling that excommunication or maybe disfellowshipment was the answer. I grabbed my friends hand, I felt like I had an electric current running through me.

He told me that they'd made their decision  "but at the last minute, we had an overwhelming feeling from the Spirit that was not the right way to go". So they prayed about it once more, and they finally came to their decision. As I heard bishop tell me what they had decided, I felt like I was on another planet, I kept closing my eyes as if I was going to sleep, it was really strange, I realised that I'd been holding my friend's hand to the point of crushing it for at least fifteen minutes and she finally had to pull away.

Despite everything, despite the fact that I was sooo convinced that I would be at least disfellowed, despite the fact that the bishop admitted that on the face of it he thought it would be excommunication, despite all that, when they had the facts and the sweet feelings from the spirit, neither of these things have been done, I remain in full fellowship in the Church.

I am so grateful for those men giving up their time last night, for them being so very close to the Spirit and for helping me get back to the Iron Rod. They've given me great direction and I feel almost like Saul on the road to Damascus in that I've had the most frightening experience of my life, but I've come through it and I feel even greater love for my Heavenly Father. I need to concentrate more on trying to understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ, it is through His sacrifice alone that I've been able to have such a calm and sweet assurance today that I've made all the right choices, that Jesus lives and loves us all, and that He is there for each and everyone of us if we will step forward and step up to what we need to do, despite all personal safety. Bishop told me to think of the Anti-Nephi-Lehies, don't know if I could do that, but I understand what they did now which I certainly didn't before.

I feel like I've come through a very long tunnel and now I just, I can't explain it, I feel like I knew that this was all going to happen before I came here, like this is the test, I guess it's all part of going through the Refiner's fire. I am so grateful for this Church and the chances it gives me to do that. I hope I can begin to understand how much my actions really cost our Saviour.

I am so grateful for all your prayers and for the 'deliverance' that I have received. I love you all and I love this church. I know even more today than I did yesterday that this Church is true. I feel relaxed and for the first time happy. I hadn't realised how much my life had differed from the gospel, but now I feel like I've been transported back to the iron rod, I thought I was still on that road for a long time, or that at least it wasn't too far away, but it was. I really hope and pray to never go back down that path again. I hope that my experiences have bound me slightly more to the iron rod.

I know that if I live my life now as I should, as I have been directed, and so long as I seek guidance from my bishopric and other priesthood holders, that I'll see my Heavenly Father again and go back to live with Him one day. Wow. I'm so thankful for that, because I know that wouldn't be the case if I had not faced that court last night. Wow.

X

Tags: Part 10 Church Court Disciplinary Action Confess Bishop



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Viewing 1 - 6 out of 6 Comments

From: LisaE
03/14/2008 22:40:18
I'm sitting here with tears of delight for you my dear dear sister!  I would like to echo what Grant said about praying EVERYday and reading your scriptures EVERYday...this has, in itself, brought miracles into my life!  You are a strong woman and you have NO idea how many lives you will be able to touch just because of the trial you just went through.  

May God continue to surround you with his loving hand!

LisaE


From: cgrantreed
03/14/2008 19:15:37

Now you KNOW the pure power of God and the Atonement. You KNOW it. Now the key in your life is to take that grip on the iron rod and force yourself everyday to never let go of it. Its not something that you can feel the love and just go on existing. You MUST focus on making sure that you feel the warmth of your own body heat being reflected back to you. You have to conscientiously stop as many times as it takes to KNOW that you have that grip. Satan likes to deceive us and make it feel like we have it but you have to know or he will divert you and when you really need it to keep you on track it will magically dissapear *POOF* because you were fooled into believing that you had it when you only had satans deceptions. Then you are fighting to find it again. I know that you were given councel on what to do in your life and this may be the same exact thing you were told (I hope anyway:-) so here is the second confirmation in it... Pray DAILY...morning and night and ANY time you feel that darkness creep in. Read your scriptures every day even if its only 1 chapter or 10 minutes or whatever. Keep involved in your FHE group every week and attend ALL your meetings at church. Never slip from that formula. NEVER. I used to mock how much time we spend as church members actually doing "church" stuff but you know what... when you are that busy with Gods work there is no time for Satans work.

Thank you for posting your thoughts as they occurred. Its needed inspiration for many of us here. I can't speak for the rest of the group but I love you too little Sister You are in the right place right now. Keep the faith and keep focused on heavenly fathers plan and you will be ok. I know it.

Your Brother in Christ,

Grant 

From: WANDERER
03/14/2008 17:56:53
Wow, how often does that happen? I am glad that things have worked out for you. I don't think disfellowship or excommunication is the easiest thing to bounce back from. You take care now.


From: girlydolphin
03/14/2008 13:46:18
I want to thank you for sharing your experiences as they have happened, the doubts, the fear, the anger, the tears, the frustration and the joy.  It took a lot of strength to give us this honest insight into your trials and I appreciate your sharing this with us and allowing us to follow you through this part of your journey.  I want you to know that my thoughts were with you last night, as corny as that sounds, but it is true.  I have been reading your blog and hoped the very best for you - still do!  Your testimony of the Atonement has strengthened mine, and for that I am also grateful.   Keep holding on!


From: MaidservantX
03/14/2008 13:21:18


From: rthrbmtbkg
03/14/2008 13:11:23
That is so awesome...congrats. Hope all goes well from here on out.


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