A friend pointed out that I haven't updated since SLC.. which is now almost a month ago. I just read my SLC blog and boy, how things have changed. I don't even know where to start. I certainly don't feel comfortable telling the whole story. What to say.. what to say?

Um... I think everyone will be happy to know that Greg and I are growing apart. When I got home from SLC, things were complicated. We were torn between being close and physical and distancing ourselves. Amongst all this, there was a lot of arguing. But anyway, I'll speed up to last week. Greg and I hadn't seen or talked much in about a week so we decided to hang out and then go to institute together. After institute, we went to my house to watch Star Wars (mistake #1, I know). After that we went to my old elementary school and played handball (yes, it was like, midnight). By the time we were done there, it was around 3am and he ended up spending the night at my house because he lives in LA and would have had to take the bus home (mistake #2). We got pretty close that night but then went to institute the next morning. We hung out at the institute building a while and then I finally had to leave to go to class, work, and do homework. He stayed at the institute building with his ex. It turns out that I ended up needing to borrow a movie from his ex (her name is Julie) that I had a report due on the next day, so I went to her house to pick it up. They were there together. By this time it was 5:30 or so, and me and Julie had to go to the same institute planning meeting at 6:45 so we decided to carpool and I just stayed there and started the movie. The whole time I was watching the movie, Greg flirted with Julie like crazy. I hadn't realized how close they still were.. how much connection was there. So... we get in the car and I'm in the backseat just being tormented by the flirting and giggles in the front. We got to institute and the lesson was on repentence.. it was excellent.. and then it came time to go home. I was quiet and pensive most of the way and then when we got back to her house, I just left. The whole way, I couldn't believe how I'd gotten myself into that situation. I was just like, "What the heck am I doing?" Anyway, Greg was mad that I left without talking to him so he called me and asked me if I wanted to talk. I told him no.. I needed to just figure things out by myself. 

Sooo.. there I was, having just spent the night with Greg, finally realizing the extent of his interactions with other women. I felt used and a complete lack of self respect. There's absolutely no way that I was going to let him touch me and be close to me in the way that he was and yet, still pursue and be flirty with other women. We're not dating.. we're not in love.. nothing. I'm absolutely no one special to him or any different from any of the other women in his life. I told him this and he just got offended. We argued for a while.. he threatened just giving up on a friendship and encouraging me to forget about him and wait for Daniel. I should have relented there, I know. Anyway, we finally worked it out and set guidelines for our interactions. Since then, I haven't seen him and I've talked to him for about 5 minutes on the phone. ::deep breath:: That was all a week ago.

He's getting baptized this Sunday! Everyone is worried that he doesn't know what he is getting himself into and that he's doing it for the wrong reasons but let me just say that I have nothing to do with it. He didn't tell me until a week after he made the decision that he was even getting baptized. I had no idea how far along he was in the discussions or the extent of his meetings with the missionaries. As I've said previously, Greg is struggling a lot with who he is, who he wants to be, and with what direction he should head in his life. I'd asked questions about his interactions with the missionaries, but he always avoided answering. I think he wasn't really sure what he wanted or how he felt.. so he was vague. Anyway, he's incredibly excited now.. he finally told his parents and they will both be there to support him. He has been attending a singles ward, has been participating in the choir, and been going to FHE and institute. I've had no part in any of that. I'm way excited for him. He'll get a fresh start.. he has so much potential.

Well, that's Greg. As for me.. I'm doing better. I've got a meeting with the bishop this Sunday to figure everything out. I feel joy in the Atonement, the process of repentance, and faith that I can be where The Lord wants me to be. It will take time and struggle, but I'm willing. Repentance is a good thing.. it is a gift.

I talked to Daniel on Sunday. We talked for about 5 minutes. It was quiet and awkward. I wrote him Sunday night... we'll see what he has to say. He knows I've been struggling but he also knows I'm optimistic and that I have hope. He knows that I know The Lord is in control and that I have faith. I think knowing those things has kept him from worrying about me.. which is good. As far as he and I go.. we'll see when he gets home. It doesn't need to be figured out until then so I'm not going to stress myself about it. Until then, I'll write him as I have written him.. as my best friend.

My birthday was on Friday. Friends flaked so I ended up hanging out with my dad and his girlfriend. We went out to eat and saw Ironman. It was actually really good. Despite the constant let-downs all day, it was a really good day.

I'm excited for school to be over and to spend some time at the river. I'll know after my meeting with the bishop on Sunday if I will still be teaching the Sunbeams or not. Quite frankly, I'll be happy with either decision. I absolutely love and adore my kids and I want to be there for them.. but I also love hanging out at the river and getting away from real life all the time. It's quite selfish of me.. and spending every weekend at the river won't give me regularity in my church activity (attending my own ward and all) but we shall see. The Lord knows best.   

I went out on a limb to write all this. Comments of sincere concern and advice that stem from wisdom would be appreciated.. however, I dont need to be reprimanded. 

One last thought..

When I've gone through the repentance process before, I cried and felt guilty and miserable all the time. I felt lonely, hopeless, and worthless. I haven't exactly started the repentance process completely yet.. so I dont know if I'll feel these things when/after I talk to the bishop.. but I just have so much joy and hope in Christ and in the Atonement. I know that repentance is a good thing and that this process will enable me to become better and stronger. It will allow me to eventually know my place at the right hand of God. There will be a time when I can KNOW whose side I'm on and feel the comfortable joy that comes with that. The Atonement makes it possible for me to be who I want to be and who The Lord wants me to be. I just have so much hope. These feelings are quite different from the last time I spoke to the bishop. Am I not feeling godly sorrow and will this stunt the process?  

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