Hi Honey!

   So I just got home from your house.. it's currently 11pm on Sunday night. It was really good to hear your voice. I'm sorry we didn't get to talk for long and that it was semi-awkward.. but it was good enough. You're focused and we didn't need anything too intimate or mushy I suppose. I have to admit that the awkwardness was probably in large part my fault.. I feel sorta disconnected from you. It just didn't flow like it usual. The biggest reason I feel disconnected from you is that I feel really insecure about my spirituality lately. The closer it gets to your homecoming, the more inadequate I feel. I think you're absolutely amazing.. you're a spiritual giant to me. And to me.. well, I'm just me. Don't worry though.. I have hope and I'll get my act together.

   I missed a lot of what you said on the phone because of everything going on at your house, the phones, and the noise. How are you? What's been going on lately? I'd just like to know overall what your life has been like and what you've been up to? Did I hear something about "black church?" Why were you there and what happened? How's it going being district leader? When are next transfers? Has anything interesting happened with President Hobbs? What are you studying currently? Will you send me some recent pictures of you please? What's been on your mind? What are the issues you're facing? I want so much to just know what's going on inside your head and in your life.. I want to know the intimate things about you I once knew.

   As for me, my lesson in Sunbeams went well today. I absolutely love them. Like, I can't even tell you how much I love those kids. They're so precious.. so full of potential.. so full of goodness. Do I wish they paid attention better? Yes... but they're just wonderful. I do have my favorites.. but I absolutely love all of them. I just recently started the Book of Mormon again. I'm in 1 N 13 right now. I absolutely love the Book of Mormon and the scriptures. Attending institute with Brother Meachum has really shown me how to slow down my reading and search and ponder about principles and answers to the current issues in my life and make connections rather than reading just to read or reading for a story. I can't wait until I can share my daily thoughts with you on scriptures and gospel topics. I'm constantly learning. Um.. I'm on a student council at Mt. Sac. We're currently planning a veintetres de mayo celebracion with the Glendora institute. I wont be there because it's Memorial weekened and I'll be at the river but it feels good to be involved and feel needed. As I said on the phone, school is almost over. Ive got things I need to take care of but I just need to do them and get them done so I can move forward and just be done. It'll be stressful until then but I gotta just do them and get it over with.

   After we hung up, I wanted so badly to tell you "Happy 5 year aniversay!" I felt unresolved.. or unfulfilled.. or un.. something. I just had to get over it though because you weren't calling back.. and I couldn't call you. Sooo... 5 years, Honey! I say we go for an eternity. What do you think? I'm realizing more and more that when you get home, we're going to be perfect strangers. We're going to have to start from the beginning and see if we work. I've imagined our reunion so many times.. at this point though, I dont know quite what it will be like. I pray that when I can be more secure in my spirituality, that I'll feel more connected with you. You're amazing and I want you to be mine, but I just dont feel worthy of that. I've felt all these insecurities but then after you hung up and David and Wiss left, me and Rachel and Nancy sat in the living room and talked. I found myself thinking in terms of "our" future rather than just my future with some unknown guy. Ever since you sent me that last tape in which you told me, "Sorry.. maybe we wont work out," I've dated a lot and really gotten a life that is apart from your family. Since that tape, I've really tried to do as you've wanted me to do and I stopped thinking "our house.. our family.. our kids" and just "my." Tonight though, I found myself just assuming my future will include you. It made me happy to realize. I hope this doesn't freak you out or depress you. You're my best friend and so I've written you as such.

   Know that I have hope for the future and complete faith in The Lord. I know that my spirituality can be where I want it to be and I know that we CAN be together. I'm content to love and support you all I can now and then see what happens when you get home. I'm deathly afraid that you'll absolutely hate it here because you love your mission so much. Ryan Ferrante (Kim Breezy's missionary) came home and absolutely did not want to be here. I saw him the day after he got back and then a week later and even after a week, he was still just incredibly upset to be home. He wondered what everyone was doing back in El Salvador and just looked so sad that he wasn't back "home." ::sigh:: David said he was content with the work he had done and was happy to be back.. but if I know you, and I think I do.. you'll not want to leave even when it's time. 

   The Church is true. It's wonderful.. glorious.. exalting. The Atonement saves. Our Savior loves us and God loves us. They are in control. They want what is best for us and have provided every way possible for us to be as happy as we can be. It's all very simple when it comes down to it. I pray for the strength and endurance to pass through my trials with a happy and faithful heart. Spread the word. I'm so excited for Greg. Everytime he tells someone he is getting baptized in my presence, it brings me to tears. What a joy to watch lives change.. what a joy to watch people realize the blessings and happiness they can have that we have. What an absolute joy to bring someone to Christ. It's a blessing, Daniel. I've been blessed more than I could possibly imagine... and yet, I'm so undeserving. 

   I love you and you're in my prayers. 

 

I love you,

::muah!!!::,

Naomi