I know that our main purpose, as children of God, is to come to earth, receive bodies, and to prove ourselves herewith.
However, I also think that each of us has added responsibilities, challenges, and obstacles that are unique to us while we are here to help us grow and to give us the strength we need to endure and overcome the buffetings of Satan and the world.
Before my breakdown/depression in 2004/2005, I was a tough cookie who got the job done.
I had the talent of being crafty, organized, strong, and creative in my callings, my job, and especially in my home with my little family. But I felt myself becoming weighed down by the turmoil of rocky interactions with the people who surrounded me in my extended family and at work. I also became VERY frustrated with myself. It seemed like I had a heavier load than other people around me, and that other people seemed to have more time to relax and to go slow. I soon found myself becoming resentful of my own talents, and very resentful of the people around me who I thought had a lighter load.
It got to the point where I actually asked Heavenly Father to please take away some of my "burdens". Little did I know that the things in my life that I saw as burdens, were the very things that were helping me and allowing me to grow.
I soon had a breakdown. A three-year depression followed. During the last three years I actually got my wish, unfortunately. I had no desire or drive to do my crafts. I no longer had the energy or ability to micromanage my life. I no longer was able to juggle all the many talents and abilities that I had. It was as if the depression had stripped me of everything. I had no energy, no drive, no passion, and I no longer had the ability to do very much more than survive.
I am now free from my severe depression. I am no longer on medication. But as my illness of the past three years abates, I find myself emerging back into the hectic juggling act that my life was before the breakdown/depression. But can I handle it this time around?
I work full-time. I go to college full-time (four classes, four nights a week). I am married and I have two children (7 and 5). I am active in my church. I do all the yard work. I do all the finances. I do most of the chores in the home. Blah, blah, blah.
I have the abilities and talent to juggle so many things, but my Achilles heel is having to do all that I do AND deal with other people. Every facet of my life has rude, mean people. My family, work, Church, and even my cyber life.
Why?
I know that there is a lesson for me to learn. I know this. But it is so painful. I have had the WORST two weeks. Work has really just brought me so low. The people are mean, unfriendly, and they care nothing for helping others. But I can't wallow in self-pity, because when I leave work I have to go to college. When I get home from college I have children who need me to bathe them, feed them, and get them in bed. I have a house waiting for me to clean and organize it. I have a husband that does not deserve to have me dump all my troubles and frustrations upon him. So, I end up swallowing all my frustrations at work, and my general feelings of being over-whelmed.
I am trying hard to recognize my blessings and to show appreciation and gratitude to Heavenly Father for my talents and abilities, and for my very life. I am also trying to understand my challenges and my burdens. If I can find the purpose in having so many challenges, then it makes it slightly easier to endure.
Still, it would be nice to not be surrounded by mean people all the time. This site used to be my one place where I could come for some "me" time. But there has been a chill here lately too. I have no earthly idea why.
Maybe just one more obstacle to overcome?
I just wonder why I can't have just one tiny little corner where there are no obstacles, no challenges, and no trials.
*SIGH*
Luckily, I do have brightness of hope. The gospel gives me that. Even in this terrible mire of burdens and obstacles that I find myself in, I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can still feel God's love for me. Even if I don't feel it coming from very many other people, I DO feel it from my children, my husband, my mom, and maybe a tiny handful of other people in my life. But most importantly, I feel it from Heavenly Father.
I feel that if I can just endure all these trials, there will be blessings in store...either for me or for those around me.
In the meantime, I am going to keep praying for my life to be filled with nicer people. I am going to keep praying for the strength to endure. I am going to keep praying to have a constant appreciation and gratitude for my talents, abilities, blessings, and even for my trials.
~TG
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