Its like Yesterday, this time im crying sobing,confused, scared, feeling alone oh so alone, for being left alone of the man i really loved, Yesterday, Its his second Year death anniversary..time flies so fast like a lightning grease, its like water, you cant hold the day and let it  stay in your palm...when i look back i realize a lot of things from that experience  testimony becomes more stronger than ever. i've seen how God works in a very mysterious way, how He manifest Himself through the Holy Ghost, and How he gave or send help from all the people who are in need i've learned punctuality, He gave me what I need in the right time, never been late, and i converse with Him like He is just beside me, or infront of me Like my earthly Father, He gave me a hug when i need someone to comfort me, He gave me smile when i cant smile, and He assured me always that everything will be fine. How Lucky I am to have those great experiences...and How lucky i am to experience and be with one of his faithful son here on earth. and be with him eternally i    am so Lucky, He is so righteous and so humble, the spirit is so strong when im with him. and i can see that He is ready when God took him from me, ready for another calling to work with God. after the internment, i was crying so hard, and asking God,  Why? I need him right now...Do you need my husband more than i and my children needs him?I was 3 months pregnant and i need my husband, its a big Why?  can you just give me a clue. just a small clue coz i dont understand...        ..and that night i dreamed, its my husband, he is trying to comfort me, and he is telling me to be submissive, this is the exact word my late husband use " This is the will of the Lord and we must submitt unto it" how humble he is. when i woke  up  in the morning i feel well.im still crying coz i missed him so much but knowing that my husband is so humble to submitt himself with the Lords will..help me to do the same thing....days passed  its hard to cope up with everything....my Sister the youngest are helping me for everything...coz i have nothing, i left everything behind...in our province, knowing that all my in laws are so interested with all the things we had, i left coz i want to be in peace and traumatic experience for me and my kids are enough....i  have nothing, just my kids and my family.....and im 3  months   pregnant...My younger sister help me financially, and i cant help looking at my kids when they are sleeping , thinking how can i raise them, and again i ask God. can you just put us to sleep and never wake up too? so we can be with my husband..? its hard to think about it....my head is about to burst and my heart is broken into pieces. but im still alive and needs to cope up with everything, be the strength of my children coz they need me more than any one in this world. but the answer is How? I prayed so sincerely and ask God again, HOw?  How? coz i really dont know. who can hire a pregnant woman.?then one morning while im crying on my bed. My younger sister running and calling me, and i hurriedly wipe away my tears and ask why?!...she was holding his cellphone telling me excitedly that i have mail....when i open it...its from My Mission President and his wife and some letters from My friend in Mission....it was a comforting message, a message of condolence, and comfort, and My mission President's wife are asking me a lot of things...like where do i stay? where i am? and how i can cope up financially, i was crying again, and prayed, I thanked God for all those letters, it gives me hope, I told them everything, about my life. and my Mission President ask Help to all the people from Mission who knows me, and my late  husband because we serve in the same mission. they start collecting money so i can stand and start again, with my life....its a great blessings. they are online everyday to let me feel that they are always t here, if i need someone to talk, God is on time, I was about to loose hope, But Heavenly Father is on time, He never let me give up. He loves me, for sending people who give things that i  perfectly need....a lot of members in the ward are offering help. visit me in my house do house chores for me, or even wash our dirty clothes, bishop is doing his best to help me feel comfortab le in my new ward, and even primary leaders are doing their best so my children will feel comfortable with all the new people around them. my visiting teacher's are visiting me not just once a month, when they feel the need arise to visit me, they visit me, its real, that the angels will lift you up and   they      are   just there , i am sorrounded by an angels, me and my children can easily enjoy life in there, but everything that they are doing cant heal my wounds, its so deep, but i start smiling and laughing, coz inspite of the pain i feel i know theres a lot of people who loves and care for me, and I am a child of God.  but that knowledge cant erase the pain im feeling inside, i feel like half of my heart died too. i feel like my heart is so dry and its powderized not just broken  into  pieces   i   dont want that feeling anymore, and i want to overcome those feelings. i try to hide it. but its just make my heart frozen, i tried to be numb. not to feel the pain and try to forget memories but trying to ignore it. it affect my attitude, my brain, and i was almost forget who am i...and because i want to forget evrything, everything is affected........and its funny sometimes because a lot of people care about me, i was somtimes confused of what to do and what to follow because they are all suggesting what i need to do and some blame me for not following them, and it reminds me of   my inlaws   of pointing finger on me and blaming me for my husband death...they think they know what i need, and i was thinking too. because im so weak that maybe they are right, i realize that its me all alone who knows what is the best thing to do with my life, its me all alone who knows what is really going on with my life, its me Its just me and God, but im thankful for all those people they made me strong to decide for myself, be tough,and to be me again. but still the loneliness and pain  stay in my heart, at least im a little tough and ready to face challenges of being alone....then first year of being alone past again, and i think from the time he left me, thats the hardest part...im praying i need someone with me, and i need it right now. coz im having a hard time. and i dont know what to do anymore, all the friends are starting to vanished   one  by  one.  Well,  I understand that, they have their own lives to face and live with, and enough for me.thats the real time that im so alone, and no one to share all the feelings i have, im about to give up and chose the things that i know its not right....another dream came and its my husband again, asking if i am decided to do the things in my mind...i never tell anyone what is on my mind...but he knows it. and his face was so sad, he touch my baby's head feeling pity on her. and i was crying on my dream talking with him. asking again. why he left me. althought i know it already....when i woke up. i repented of the decision i was about to make..and i ask God again, i need someone, i need a husband...and i even describe what i really like to a man. not as perfect as my husbnd coz i know everyone has a different personality..all im asking is the one that will understand me and be with me, also help me financially.......its really really hard in the beginning of this year....then answer came, and the answer made me confused, i met a lot of man, and it seems that they are not the one im looking for even they are nice too. and i  feel that they just distract me on my focus...huh! Oh man! asking then complain.....lol. hmmm natural man! then i decided to do things differently, i need a lot of courage to make difference in my life. and i said Heavenly Father. okay its enough. I am thankful for answering my prayer, but if you are preparing someone for me, then give  him to  me now....coz this is the last one, i will try this last man. and  if everything will not work out, i will stop..and accept the reality that my life is being alone till i met my late husband again.......then.......................i always want to write this letter but it scares me a lot, to think that the pain will come back. But now, Wow! im so impressed coz i can do a lot of things, things that scares me, and its so easy...i can say that i am healed..and i owe this to a man. that i really love..........I love him. and I met him, in a day that i want to give up in trying to find a man for me.....who will understand me and help me in everything.....i have a lot of things to write and this last part....   or the continuation will be a happy one. coz thats what i feel right now.. life is a bit hard still but it become more easy kn owing that theres always someone with you.. who always ready to listen. lift me up when i am so down.and give me smile...and inspired me a lot. help me to chose the right. and    gives suggestions..................................

Tags: Remember

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