|
|
New Journey?
Posted On 10/21/2008 02:43:59 by Aloren
|
Well well I find myself wanting to write about what is going on in my life and why I am choosing this church.
First off I was raised in the Lutheran church (later went to ever church in my town) and thought I was a christian until about the age of 16 or 17 when I had a lot of questions which no one seemed to answer and along with other traumatic life events I just lost any faith in a higher power. I loved church and looked forward since the age of conformation to going every Sunday morning, Monday and Wednesday night. Though once I lost all feelings I had to stop going so as not to feel like a heretic or liar when I was getting all the benifit of church with no feelings for it in my heart.
Life went on though as it tends to do and I graduated high school got engaged to my high school sweetheart and went to college. Well then my fiance choose to go into the military and I was quite upset by that. I had to work two jobs to go to school and keep a place to live and I wore myself out and never slept. I got sick and without support of friends or family because I refused to ask, I just gave up and quit school.
I moved to Ohio to split rent with a friend there and out of disappointment, immaturity and selfishness I broke up with my fiance. I was 18 at the time. While in Ohio I made friends with a guy who lived in Canada. He was from Ireland and I started to go visit him. When he had to leave because of his visa he asked me to go with him and I did. We said we were engaged but we had no rings and we did not get married. I was there in Ireland for 2 years when I got a call saying my grandmother wanted to see me before she died so I moved back to my home town in Texas. She died three days after I got home to Texas.
Later that year I moved to a town not to far from home and attended correctional officer training. I met the man I was to marry and later divorce. I liked him but he was a troubled person. I thought perhaps even troubled as I am I could help him(how silly I was not saved how could I save anyone lol). I never did save either one of us from our personal demons but somehow he convinced me to marry him. I still do not know why I did but in March of 07 I married him and the next month became pregnant with my baby son Landon. The whole time I was pregnant I worked in a Texas state prison and was the only one who could or would hold a job. I also had to do all the work around the place we stayed. I was so unhappy and if I was not working or cleaning up after a husband full of empty promises: I was asleep. Around the time I was 4 or 5 months pregnant my husband was arrested. It was so embarrassing since I was in law enforcement myself. So now I had not only a useless husband now I had a useless and criminal husband. That was it... I left him and he has never seen the baby because he will be in prison till 2014. So I spent 5 months of my pregnancy alone and working a stressful and thankless job because it paid ok and I needed the health insurance. During this time I lived in the out in the middle of nowhere town were the prison unit I worked at was located. So since I had a 12 to 13 hour shift job I had 4 on 4 off schedule and spent my days off sleeping and being alone. At work I hardly ever spoke to either the other officers or the inmates. I had withdrawn so far into myself that I pretty much forgot how to hold a normal human conversation.
I had my baby on Jan 10th and stayed with my ex mother in law till he was two months old and then moved back to my home town got a small place through the low income housing and got a job at a deli. I then had a friend of mine who I had known since college (4 plus years )who lived in Utah all of his life. He was a great guy and a ex Mormon. He has a disability but it never colored my feelings or friendship with him. We thought perhaps we could date and make something work between us. I went out to visit him and found Utah to be a great place and enjoyed spending time with him and his friends. I had been isolating myself from family and had made no new friends so I was quite lonely. That month after my visit to Utah my life took a downward turn and with bills due for my car, rent, and debts from my ex husband I was still responsible for I was finding it very hard to scrape by and began to feel and overwhelming sense of panic about my life and my future. I had no answers at the time. My friend offered for me to live there in Utah with him and I choose to accept because I wanted out of the sad lonely little life I was leading. He and his father traveled to Texas to get me and he rode with me in my car back to Utah. I am not a experienced driver and the drive was long and difficult but more so because at the same time I gave up smoking! =)
The relationship we thought we might develop never turned out but that was ok because we get along as roommates. At this time I don't have much money to move out of here anyway. I am trying to get a job and his sister offered to watch the baby if I can get a evening shift. I need so much right now(car payment and new insurance and a new place to live) and my life is so lost. I feel like I have not always made the most practical choices in life and the only thing that brings me joy is my baby.
I want the best for him and for my life in general but I fear there is something missing in me and I hope that God/Jesus/Mormon Church can fill that part so I can become a whole and successful person. I want Landon to grow strong in body and spirit. I want his life (and mine) to be filled with peace and love and hope for the future. Before I was agnostic but that kind of uncertainty does not foster a attitude of positivity or hope or love. In fact it helps create I life full of fear and uncertainty. Being Mormon seems a far better choice of live and with a a far better reward at the end.
A few weeks ago a mutual friend of me and Abram was talking about the church and why he believed in it. He also mentioned a few things I had never heard of like "Jesus in America" I was shocked and fascinated. He said I should go to church with him sometime. So this last Sunday I did. I went to the family ward his mom goes to since I have the baby and going to the singles ward might be awkward I suppose. It was nice but hard to pay attention with a nine month old in your lap. He feel asleep during the relief society and that was good but it was odd to be around so many women who seemed friendly to each other. I don't usually get along with women since they seem so concerned with things I don't care about and vice versa. I am kind of socially awkward since my self induced seclusion and the fact that I am rather nerdy and have such different interests than them. I can also be very distant and some people agree even cold at times unless you can get close to me. So I don't know if I am capable of making friends there. Though Nick (who brought me to church) has become quite a good friend and in fact when I get baptized I am going to ask him to be the one to officiate it.
I had a couple of missionaries come over today to talk to me. They were surprised to find I had done a lot of my own research and did not have to start from scratch. They also had another church member with them. He was an older man who was very nice and shared some great experiences and out of the three of them I think he influenced me the most. They wanted me to set a goal date for baptism and that was ok with me since this is what I want to do. They say Nov 15th would be a good day since they are having a baptism service. I will see how it goes (I know I can delay if I need to) but I know I will have made my choice and prayed if this is true by then.
So is this my New Journey? I hope so =)
Tags: Convert New Mormon
|
|
 |
[-] |
|
|
|
FairLDS.org
LDS.org
MormonWiki
Mormon Encyclopedia
FARMS
