Today was quite the interesting day. I dont even know where to start or how to arrange my thoughts. I'm completely okay with this blog being 100% off the cuff and likely incoherent.

   After 3 weeks of racing home from work to check the mail or staying home just a little longer to check the mailbox, waiting at the sidewalk for the mailman, and staring up and down the street searching for him, I finally got a letter. It wasn't even a page long. No "I love you." No kiss. No "With love and hope, your elder, boyfriend, and best friend, Elder Chiang"... as usual. Nothing. Just a completely platonic and business-like letter. Just a "Let's keep it simple" and nothing more. I got dear janed.

   I wasn't quite sure how to feel or how to respond. I sat in silence, staring blankly as I fought the urge to throw up. I refused to cry. I give so much when I love. Giving your whole self, taking your walls down, and being completely vulnerable is the easiest and quickest way to get hurt. Nonetheless, I endure the roller coaster of the relationship as my love is acknowledged, appreciated, reciprocated, and then forgotten and taken advantage of. Ugh. Soooo... what to feel? How to respond? Talking about it just makes me cry. Crying just gives me a headache. That doesn't get me anywhere. Heartbreak sucks. Being sad sucks. I figure my only option is to not over react, respect his wishes, and move on with life.

    We were best friends much before we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I think in every romance, the very foundation should be friendship. If in two years, we're home and all we have is our friendship.. I'll be okay with that. We could build from there if it's right.

    It wasn't until after Tom left though, that he realized his "unrequited and undying love" for me. His letters were full of promises that he would forever love me the way I deserve to be loved. Lol, he's been gone 2 months and already he has purposefully and willingly strayed from that. That probably means it's just in his personality to NOT love the way I want to be loved. The last two months have been contingent on hope. All the effort and endurance I've put forth have been based on a hope that Tom's promises would be fulfilled and that he even had the capacity to fulfill them. I feel like already he's showing me it isn't possible... or maybe he just doesn't love me. I used to think, and still think, that Daniel and I had the real stuff.. we had the love of dreams-- the kind you only see in the movies. I've always thought that Tom and I COULD have that.. but obviously growth takes time. Tom's love for me has obviously been a very immature love.

   Tom was relunctant and resisted progression in our relationship all summer. He didn't want to be attached while on his mission. We were disobedient from what his immediate priesthood leader was advising and we went against his own desires to be unattached, and moved forward in our relationship. I think now that he's in the field and he loves it, he again, wants to be unattached and unbothered. I can't blame him for that. I dont know what this means though. I fully believe that we make time for those things that are most important to us. Obviously if Tom feels that I'm only a distraction and wants to minimize that, then I'm not really THAT important.

   Tom has said multiple times that he wouldn't have even gotten on his mission if it weren't for me. Maybe the Lord allowed our paths to cross as a blessing even though the end result is "failure." My time with Tom definitely taught me a lot. Maybe I needed those lessons just as Tom needed the lessons I taught him. Maybe Daniel needed some competition to get his head on straight. Maybe I needed the extra relationship experience. I dont know if Tom and I will end up together or not.. but I know the adventure has not been fruitless if we dont.   

   Maybe 6 months just isn't enough to sustain a relationship of separation over the course of two years. Maybe 6 YEARS is.

   I'll admit that I finally had a break-down. However, I just really dont enjoy headaches so I got over it. I took off the ring he gave me (that I've worn on my left ring finger) and I had thoughts of sending him his things. They're very personal and important things. I would send them not to be bitter and immature, but because they are important to him. However, that really IS ending it. I feel like in letting him go, I can't lose COMPLETE hope. Afterall, he was my friend before he was my boyfriend. We should always have at least our friendship. He cant expect me to continue to write him every week and hope and hold on while he distances himself and lets go. He has put me in the lot with the rest of the girls he's writing... which are many. It hurts.

I dont even want to talk about the rest of the day or anything else going on.   

Jan 6, 09

Hey Tom!
   I'll be honest and say I really have no idea quite what to say. Hmmm... lol. So I kinda felt like your last letter was a dear jane. I'm gonna spare you all the details and just say that you're obviously loving the work. I'm proud of you. I'm sorry if I've been a distraction to you. Before you left, you were hesitant to get into a "relationship" because you didn't want any attachments while you're serving. I understand that. I'll keep it simple and save the romance for later. Just tell me if I'm your girlfriend and if you intend to write me each week or not. I need to know how much you expect and what you expect me to do. I cant continue to hold onto you and hold onto all my hope while I write you every week, only to be discouraged when your letters dont come and you let go of me. If you want to distance yourself, I need to be able to move on with my life as well. As much as I love you, it just wouldn't be healthy for me to write you every week and continue to wear your ring and hold your jacket tight when you're way over it. Though I was sad and discouraged at first, I'm okay with it because I know our relationship is based on friendship. If we get home and all we are is friends, I'm okay with that.. I know we'll always be friends. I do love you and we said we'd always be best friends.. I think that's true so I'm not too worried. I just want to support you.   
   I've gone over all the things Ive wanted to say to you in my head a thousand times and now that I'm sitting here.. none of it is coming to me. I talked to Whittney and your mom today. It was SO awesome! I love them! Your mom told me to call her so we can go shopping together. Lol. And Whittney said I'll be seeing her around institute! I'm sooo excited to get to know them! Omgosh.. like SOOO excited! I loved talking to Whittney and your mom today. We all exchanged phone numbers.
   Mmmm.. so I got my physical today. It was a tad awkward.. but went well. Lol.
   Well Tom.. I'll write you more next week. Do you want me to start writing to the mission office?
   As always, you're in my prayers. I know you're working hard and I'm happy that you're losing yourself in the Lords work. I know we'll remain close because if nothing else, we're best friends. Just know that I do love you. I look forward to your next letter.
 
Love, 
Naomi
 
PS- Institute started tonight. It was awesome. D&C 15:6 made me think of you. I smiled when I read it.   

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