I got an email from Tom today. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to vomit even now. I want to write him back immediately and pour my heart to him. I know this is the wrong thing to do. I'm going to suck it up and hold it in until next week. I cant take this. Why do I continually give so much of myself when others give me so little? I went to my room to hug my pillow and cry. I soon tired of that so I tried to sleep the overwhelmingly gross feeling in my stomach away. I was lucky enough to lose consciousness for 15 minutes or so. Now I'm awake again and I just hate how my body responds physiologically to what I'm feeling. I know I need to give it time... time heals... but knowing I'll feel better in a week or a few days.. or even tomorrow... does nothing for how I feel right now. I feel like I should get out and be with friends. Being busy and stimulated will help me forget and feel better. I'm so tired of listening to everyone else and dealing with everyone else when I have my own things to deal with though. Putting on my smile and excitement and enthusiasm gets tiring. Sometimes I just need to close my listening ear and NOT provide a shoulder to cry on. I feel terrible as I think these things. We lose ourselves and forget ourselves in service, right? I know this is true. I've reaped the blessings of service. It would just be nice to have a break... and have someone comfort ME for a change. I say this but then again, I hate talking about whats going on in my life. None of my friends know any of the details of whats going on because I dont talk about it. If I talk, I cry. If I cry, I get a headache. Headaches suck. And so does being sad. I completely believe we control how we feel and I also believe what we think and say contribute to how we feel. Ugh. Booooo! Lame.

Bookmark: