I haven't blogged in a while, since my daughter started coming here.  I didn't want to be worrying her with my issues.  But she's not online at home, and isn't hanging around any longer... so I once again feel that this is a safe place to spill my guts.

So... I went to Arizona in Oct-Nov.  Came back November 7th.  When I came back, I was weighing 149, and felt more energetic than a long long time.  When I first went, I was seeing stars all the time because of my anemia.  But getting in the sunlight there somehow helped.  I don't know what vitamin D does for you exactly, but within a few days of arriving, I quit seeing stars and my health just got better and better.  Mind you, I didn't take any blood tests to prove what was going on inside, but the evidence was in how I was feeling.  I went to Mexico three times, the third time I didn't take my wheelchair, and was able to walk everywhere I needed to go.  It was amazing.

So I come back to WA and decide to go back to work.  First, we were dying financially.  My costs for prescriptions was almost all of my husband's income. We needed my income.  We lived 5 months on just his income, and each month got a little further behind and it was to the point where I couldn't afford my medicine.  No insurance.  Plus the people at SS had told me that I must work and earn $1100 in 2009 in order to qualify for my disability.  So I worked through December and my body just fell apart.  I have proved my doctor right....he said that my job was to take care of myself and that I shouldn't be working.  Well, I have put on 30 pounds since coming home from  Arizona.  It's all water... my kidneys are failing.  My creatinine level is up to a 3.  My doctor said next time I come in, we're going to discuss getting a fistula...a site where the dialysis will go in.  Evidently it takes a few months of prep time before dialysis can start.  I've been looking online at dialysis types and they all bum me out.  One calls for a bag to be inserted in your stomach and every 6 hours you have to drain it and refill it. I have a stinking hard time being structured with anything. So this six hour schedule doesn't sound so good.  But the other dialysis you have to go to an office and have the dialysis 3 times a week.  Travel is next to impossible, cuz you can't get away from the dialysis center.

I'm back to being scared of dying again... oh, I hate that!  I hate that my house is a mess, because I have no energy to clean.  Just walking up my stairs in the morning is a task.  I'm having a hard time breathing because of the excess liquid.

I turned my heaters way up... gonna cook everyone else.  But my hope is that if I am really warm, I'll crave raw foods.  Raw foods always improve my health.  I have eaten mostly cooked foods lately.  The snow and the dreary cold rain does not imspire me to cold foods.

Today I had a mixed breakfast.... a couple of eggs with enchilada sauce on them, no added sodium.... and a glass of blended veggies with nettle leaves blended in. Nettle is supposed to be a good diuretic.

I have been fighting off going to the hospital.... drinking lots of cayenne and taking ion drops.  I think next time I have the severe can't breathe at night problem, I just go to the ER and let them give me some IV lacex.  The IV stuff works better.  I gotta get rid of this water!

I have a lovely family, a great husband.  I have so much to live for, and I am very scared that I won't live to see my grandbabies get old. How does one conquer fear?

I somehow need to learn to pray and turn this over to God, and belief that I am safe with whatever He chooses.  So hard to do!

I feel kinda like the girl in the play "Our Town."  She thought her life was so boring, so ordinary.  It wasn't until she lost it that she understood how precious it was.  I used to be able to run, to jump, to dance.  I would get up in the morning and stretch, feeling invigorated.  Today I get up and grab something to keep from falling down. Running, jumpng, dancing...memories from the past.  I took it all for granted, thought it was just ordinary and nothing special.  Today I know how priceless it was.  What a miracle the human body is, the things it can do.  I want them back. I want to run and not be weary, to walk and not faint.  I want to bound up and down my stairs, to breathe in and feel my lungs nourishing my body. I want to hear normally out of both ears.... which I can't right now... and I all the itching from the kidney failure to go away. I want to joyfully throw myself into the wedding plans for my youngest daughter, without the total financial crisis my health has caused, and with energy and ethusiasm, which I find it hard to feel.  I feel like I am robbing her by not being able to do more.

In other words, I want an ordinary day, the kind I used to take for granted.  Only let's be truthful.... I don't want an ordinary day, I want lots of ordinary days. LOL.

Favorite quote by Benjamin Franklin:  Doth thou love life?  Then do not squander time, for such is the stuff life is made of."

Can't get it back.  So many minutes and hours and days unappreciated.  I would love to have them now.

Sister of Jared

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