I realise it is rather a long time since I wrote. It would seem that the adversary has been doing his level best to distract me with other things these last few months.
As I may have said, a close family member has been banned from driving for DUI and as his earning power is far greater than mine could ever hope to be, as well as some other rather complex circumstances, it has lead to me being the sole driver for my immediate family which has in turn lead to be not being in Church as often or for as long as I indeed should have been. In fact this previous Sunday was my first full day in Church since before Christmas.
Just before Christmas things reached fever pitch with Bishop, literally. I felt that he had ignored me completely, even when I had directed questions to him, even though he had been clear that as results of the council I was still entitled and should be receiving help from the Bishopric. Pish! It has not happened.
Prior to Christmas I very much felt that the Bishop and perhaps even Heavenly Father did not want me in Church anymore. Things reached boiling point. I spoke with the 1st counsellor, in confidence, his response to me was useful, to a degree. To cut a long story short it prompted me to making a meeting with Bishop, which I did between Christmas and New Year.
During the meeting he asked me to write some goals for the New Year, not resolutions, but simply goals. He also said he wished to meet with in me every 2/3 weeks until this all came to an end.
The meeting went reasonably well in that I feel we both understood we had misjudged the other and drawn unfair conclusions without knowing the extent of the circumstances involved.
After the meeting I did message him about the need for a blessing, something which has been nagging at me now since March last year. Again I have heard nothing.
Last week I received a special email bulletin from Bishop, in which he thanked people for taking part in a special additional fast day. I couldn't resist responding and emailed him back saying, that was exactly what I meant, that I knew nothing about it once again. Again no response to this email, although we have all subsequently received an email saying that he intends to use electronic communication methods much more this year. (He is an IT guy in his secular life!). I only hope this is as a result of my discussions and email.
This situation was further compounded by the reading schedule for Sunday School last week, about the Parable of the Wheat and the Tares. I am having to work extra hard at keeping my thoughts away from the idea that I am a tare and should uproot myself. It is not easy.
I came to a startling conclusion yesterday, and while some would be grateful for it, I see myself as no better than Satan. You see I know in my heart and mind that the Church is true. I know it as sure as I know my own face. That the boy Joseph Smith trully saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and that through him the fulness and truth of the Gospel was restored to the earth. I know that Thomas S Monson is a prophet of God, I can even tell you the moment I knew that I knew, Elder Joseph B Wirthlin's funeral service.
So what in the name of all that is good is wrong with me? Why do I compare myself to Satan? Well he knows all that too right? I realise that I don't have a relationship with Heavenly Father.
I have been doing some digging around on www.lds.org and something in particular struck me:
"There are some things in which it is very difficult to be perfect, but I hope that every man and woman and boy and girl will get on his or her knees night and morning and thank the Lord for His blessings, thank the Lord for His kindness, thank the Lord for every gift that He has given, and pray for strength to do the right thing and remember before the Lord all who are in need and distress. We can be perfect in our prayers"
President Gordon B Hinckley, New Era, October 2000
The same article also quotes Doctrine and Covenants 90:24
"Search diligently, pray always and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good"
I guess I've got the first bit, the search diligently, and I've got the third bit a plenty, be believing, but the prayer bit I think is where I fail.
And so I am going to tackle this head on, all the other goals I wrote, well they're gravy in comparison with this.
So tonight I plan to fast, from dinner today until dinner tomorrow. I'm going to do it properly, although I feel that as I have not fasted properly in quite a while I must concede to the possiblity of being able to drink water.
I need to be able to feel again the love of Heavenly Father, the companionship of the Holy Ghost. It is not enough to simply know the truth of these things. Perhaps that is why I have been prompted so often this year to seek a blessing? I do not know.
Do I love Heavenly Father? Yes. Do I want a relationship with Him? Yes. Do I want to sit on the fence? No. I want to give all that I have, to do all that I can, in whatever He wants from me.
I am reminded of 1 Peter 1:7
"That the trial of yoru faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth though it be tried with fire might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ"
I can only hope that Heavenly Father sees into my heart and grants me the object of my prayers.