Technically I should be doing homework right now but I really dont want to. I figure I'll still do something productive and write a blog instead.

Wow... it seems like forever since I've updated. Um... so Tom and I decided to be less serious a few months back. He's written me twice since then. I let his family know what was going on. They love me still the same. His sister is getting married and wants me to be there and his mom still wants to hang out. I haven't hung out with her though because I really just dont see the point in forming family ties when as it stands, there's no hope for anything coming of it. Tom has written me probably twice since things "ended." Both of those were short and platonic. I've written him maybe 3 times and mine are friendly as well. I have no idea what is going to happen. I think he's pretty much given up hope and I think I'm okay with that. He wants to focus on his mission and figure out the romance stuff when he gets home. I think that's fine but I also think there will be no romance when he gets home. Depending on how you look at it, that's unfortunate but my relationship with Tom has been an incredible learning experience. I was able to develop my character and testimony and really learn a few things. We were both inspired to go on missions. We really just opened up a new phase in each others lives for each other. It's unfortunate in that Tom and I really were a good match. I wont dwell but if he isn't the one, then someone else is.

Speaking of that someone else, Daniel got home from his mission January 23rd. After not seeing him for 2 years, I walked up to him and stood in front of him as he was talking on the phone. We embraced and I started crying on his chest. The entire day he held my hand and wanted me by his side. We kissed that very night. It really seemed like we just picked up where we left off. No awkwardness.. no doubt.. nothin. After a rough patch because of the whole Tom and Sister Swensen thing.. yes, he found a sister missionary while he was in the field... (He obeyed all the rules though. Nothing inappropriate or disoedient.)... it was absolute bliss. He wants to get married and even had me strongly tempted to stay home from my mission and get married. Oh gosh, how I love that man. 

I've been sincerely and diligently seeking an answer to what I am supposed to do. I want more than anything to serve my mission but I know of the Brethren's counsel to women concerning which should come first. Despite MY choice to serve a mission, I am trying to keep an open mind and heart to what The Lord wants me to do. As much as I want to serve, I want to do what is RIGHT even more. I know that The Lord has the answer so whatever He says, goes. Until (If) The Lord makes it 110% clear that I am to get married, I am going to prepare and plan on serving my mission.

About a few days before I got my mission call, Daniel and I started fighting a lot. We still kind of are. I dont know what's up. I just know I dont like it. I dont feel the "bliss" and certainty I felt only weeks ago. Of course in my mind, he's always the one at fault. But the responsible and mature part of me can't help but wonder if it really is mine. I was reading some old emails from 2004 (!!!!) from him and I used to make him so happy. I used to make everything in the world alright for him. Now I feel like I just make him unhappy and I'm the CAUSE of his problems rather than the solution. His family certainly aren't helping matters. In fact, they are probably the bulk of our problems. They resent me because I dated Tom. They dont want Daniel and I to be serious because they want him to date other girls. Dating other girls is COMPLETELY acceptable.. I just wish they could understand that I'm leaving in 2 1/2 months and Daniel and I need this time to figure out what's going on with US. He'll have plenty of time when I'm gone/ Anyway, it's also really complicated because they place so many restrictions on us. His life revolves around meeting their every need. He has to make sure he balances his time between his family and me. I dont see why a record needs to be taken at all.. why can't we all just get along? He constantly cancels on me because his sister is sad or because his nephew misses him or because he just spent the day with me the day before. I have a stroooong testimony of service and compassion and even consider myself to be fairly compassionate and long suffering, but he can't live his life based on their needs... especially when their needs are so immature. Maybe I'm sounding like a terrible person right now. I could go on and on with examples but I wont. Ditching me for family duties EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY is one concern... just the fact that his sister hates me is another. Every chance she gets, she talks about how Daniel needs to date when I leave RIGHT infront of me! She throws in tidbits about how I'm not the one for him and how he's not going to marry me and he needs to start going to dances so he can find dates... all right while I'm standing there in the very same conversation. She pouts and refuses to talk to me or participate in anything while I'm there. Ugh. I know we just had out lesson in Relief Society about being a peace maker but I'm just not THAT good. I feel like Daniel excuses her and he NEVER sticks up for me. He just ignores it and then gets mad at me when I'm offended. He expects me to get over it and yeah... that's ideal but how about a little sympathy or something? Ive never said anything mean to her... Ive never done ANYTHING to deserve any of it. All this from someone who has professed to being my friend.

Anyway, the Lord told President Eyring, "I'm not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down." I'm pretty sure it wasn't the bad experiences he was talking about. Now for better things.

I got my mission call! Omgosh... Jackson Mississippi!

More to come.   

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