What do you do to turn around your thoughts when you believe in Heavenly Father but not yourself? In my head I cant trust Him and not trust myself, its kinda hand in hand. But i'm seriously doubting myself right now.

Six weeks from now we are moving to Utah. It wasn't a quick and easy decision we made but it was the right one for us at the right time. My prayers confirm it and some good blessings have come as a result of it, but I find that I am doubting my ability to stay there indefinitely. I have given a lot of thought to this, and while my bishop states that I could 'meet the right one' I dont want to go and have that as a back drop, I want to succeed at this because its the right thing for us as a family, not because some guy bails us out. That would be totally immoral and wrong.

I am one of the elite club that has has to fight for every small, basic thing in life and I truly believe its made me who I am and i'm grateful for it. Fighting for something basic is nothing major to me, I just accept it and find my way through with it with a happy smile and a silly sense of humour cos when all is said and done people have to fight for more basic stuff than I do!

I'm a good fighter though, I dont quit, well not for long anyway and when i'm recharged I usually find the answer or way through pretty quickly. I'm a soft touch for the most part of life and yeah I get walked over, I get misunderstood and I get used, but I stand with an element of pride to the fact that my heartfelt intentions were honest and genuine and if Heavenly Father knows that then all will be ok. I've stopped relying on myself for certain things, or trusting myself and that is part of the problem.

For as long as I can remember i've aimed high, reached high, failed and succeeded, life is like that and I dont mind it. I understand the plan of happiness and I respect it enough to not moan about things when its my turn for a challenge. However, along the way it kinda leaves you feeling a little raw, weak or unsettled. Right now i'm struggling to believe that I can make this move work long term. What if I cant get a visa and work permit? That is what scares me more than anything. If I am able to work legally I know i'll always find some kind of work to keep me going, and i'm not afraid to work my fingers to the bone to work upwards to where we want to be. We are leaving a lovely home, secure finances and calm lifestyle to go totally back to less than basics. An apt with just the facilities it comes with. Should I wait and save more money? Should I take this chance while I have it?

I'm confused.

Yes my prayers still confirm to me rather strongly that this is a good move for us. My kids are so excited about going, they wanna go tomorrow even! I know each time i've trusted Heavenly Father He has not let me down so who am I REALLY distrusting here? Him or me? Answers on a postcard please!! **sigh** the brain pressure is not even funny!!!

Tags: Faith

Bookmark: