August Ramblings:

So I would say my summer has been a rotten one full of blessings. June was like falling off a building and trying to catch my breath but not being able to.  It was a rollercoaster of emotion.  Numbness set in for July and things beared along fine with the holiday.  I visited with my family and survived with no major fighting.

My daughter stayed with my sister for the first time ever.... and I realized how much I love my little bad sleeper.  I have never pined for someone like I pined for her those days.  It didnt help that she wanted nothing to do with me on the phone....even though I kept trying to call over and over.

It was nice though to have some quality one on one time with Abby.  Abby has such the personality.  She really amazes me.  She is compassionate, funny, gregarious, and faithful (as a 2 yr old can be).  She LOVES nursery and helps the other kids adjust.  She tells me her lessons and seems to "get them".

I went to the Hill Cumorah Pagent again and celebrated my 19th year in the church.  What a transformation I have made in that time.  My understanding of sacred things has increased so much.

August has found the numbness wearing off and now having to deal with some of the things I was able to bottle up or push past before. 

I know I am lucky because for each terrible thing that has happened, the Lord has placed in my path either a great person, kinds words, generous job offers, obviously answered prayers, and good friends.  This tends to make for a bit of up and down though.  But the downs arent as far and the ups are lasting longer :)  Despite a few nights of tears, Im holding things together quite well. Yeah..If I say so myself heheh.

I am so grateful for my girls. I love them with all my heart. I know my Heavenly Father has entrusted me with them. I try to take every chance to tell them about Jesus and Heavenly Father.  I look forward to the day when I can have support in doing this.

Im really unsure of the future. Im switching jobs and my precious ladies will be in an all day preschool/daycare program.  I have struggled and sacraficed so much so that would never happen and yet, here we are.  I feel like I have failed them.  I know its not a divine right to stay home with my kids, but heck, it sure would have been nice.  I pray that they will do well and thrive and that it will strengthen my relationship with them instead of lesson it.  I also hope they dont pick up too many bad habbits.

I could play the what if... should'a, could'a, would'a game - but what will that get me- I mean really? No where.  I am grateful for a few people - online that have been supportive and compassionate during the past few months.  And for those who have not - well I pray for them. I pray they never encounter anyone like themselves when they are struggling.  And I am really grateful for a friend in my ward, who knows all about me and is going through many of the same things.  I learned she is leaving to move back home - where life will be easier.  I wish I had a place like that to retreat to.  But more than anything, my heart aches because I truly needed her closeness and her support.  She's been a great friend and funny - the first time I saw her some 3 yrs ago (when life was good)... the spirit whispered... "she will become your great friend".  2.5 yrs past and I thought - I cant ever be friends with her....  And then low and behold, she bore her testimony and I realized we had something in common.  She had been my VT but (shhh shes not very good at doing that) so I hadnt really gotten to know her... until now.  And we are strikingly the same.  She can make me laugh through my tears.  I find these friends a lot. My problem is they always seem to move away as soon as a strong bond is made.  And while Id love for her to stay here - I know she is right - it will be easier for her there.

And so I am left.. on the eve of my last day of work at my current job.... feeling my Savior's love but feeling the pains of the summer.  I hope these dont linger to winter.... because Im a sun baby - I need sun to be happy... so if winter sets in and we have those grey white clouds for weeks on end... well... it could be bad... I dread winter.  I want my summer back.

Im grateful for the strength the Lord has provided and look forward to standing taller in the near future.

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