The lyrics below explain exactly how I was feeling at the time that it all happened. What a perfect way of describing it. I wish I could blame it all on him, but...I can't. I have this song on a large play list that I play as I commute to work, and the other day it began to play, it is not a song I listen to often and not one that I took much note of. Then I heard the words, and I started the song again to hear it all.

Time has passed at this point, and the things I have done have faded, time blurs past actions, but the feelings that were tearing me apart at the time are still clear in my mind and this song nailed it. Satan works so hard when we have chinks, or times of weakness like this song mentions, and when we fall he celebrates.

I am so grateful that I have changed, that I have brought my life back to Christ. The atonement has worked wonders in my life. I have been praying lately to forget, I have been praying that once I am forgiven that I will begin to forget the man I had the affair with, that I will forget the things that I did with him. Every so often those actions will flash through my mind, and every time they do it sickens me. I feel like throwing up, because those actions are so far from the person I am now. It makes me physically ill to remember them, I want to just forget them. Lately things have gotten better in that regard. I have thankfully not remembered them as often as I was. I hope it will continue to get better. In the mean time I am still reading my scriptures on a daily basis and saying my prayers. And I loved conference this weekend, what a wonderful spiritual experience. It always amazes me how the talks always seem to address things I have been worried about.


"The Walk"
by Imogen Heap

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it

Freeze, awake here forever, I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault.

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It's all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It's all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It's all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It's all your fault

Tags: Repentance Regret Forgiveness Attonement Adultry

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