A few of you know that I was ecstatic when my daughter's boyfriend proposed last Christmas. The ring was stunning, and she was glowing. But more importantly, he was a GOOD man! I honestly never expected that to happen. I expected her to fall for an irresponsible, insensitive, self-centered jerk, because that's what I always had done and it hurt me deeply.
But not my daughter. She found a responsible man who wasn't afraid to show her his sensitive side. They fell in love three years ago, and have been inseparable ever since. He has a very good job, he's going to school with the goal of getting a master's, he owns a house, and even seems to like me.
So when he proposed last Christmas, I was ecstatic for my daughter. She loved him deeply and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with him. It was like magic to me--I kept telling myself: "Everything's going to be okay! He's a good man! I'm so happy!"
I'd even got caught up in the fun of planning the wedding. Heather told me her theme, and we went shopping and found things that could not have been more perfect. She trusted me with the decorating, and I was happy to oblige. In fact, one of the whimsical aspects I finally convinced her would be fun was to use paper flowers instead of real ones for some of the decorations. I know that sounds risky as no one considers "paper" to be that attractive--well, I do. I LOVE PAPER. But paper flowers soiunds like something cheap. But they're not, and I've made close to 100 flowers. I haven't felt so creative for more than a decade. So, when I had a few put together and showed them to her, with trepidation, I was excited to hear SHE was excited about them. She loved them, and so, from then on, I spent almost every waking hour making flowers, and having a blast.
Now I want to burn them.
I have to say, as much as I respected this man, there was always a little bell ringing off in the distance every once in a while insisting "This is just too good to be true." And, of course, it was.
Night before last he told her he didn't want to marry her, and that he never would. She is shattered, and I am devastated, and the magic is long gone. The curse that I have lived with all of my life, and have passed on to my children, is real, and it is back with a vengeance. I don't mean it in any supernatural sense--just that I never had any idea how to have a relationship with a good man, so had lots of them with bad men, and my children have, and continue, to suffer because of it. I believe there are still good men out there, but the "curse" is that they don't end up in my family.
On top of this, she has to have surgery next week. She is one stage away from cancer, and needs to have this taken care of immediately. He literally dumped her when she was ill.
However, I am working very hard on realizing that, as long as she's healthy, all of this will go away. THAT is what is really important. But it's so hard admist all the pain of his abandonment and betrayal.
I HAVE got to pull myself together because she needs me. She sobs and sobs and sobs. I know this is going to scar her deeply and permanently, because I've been there. It's part of my curse in her life. She'll never trust again, especially given she had a hard time doing so at first as it was. She'll always think she's not lovable, and that men will always abandon her.
People really do die of a broken heart. It may not be a physical death, but part of the psyche nevertheless. I love her sooooo much, and am in shock myself, knowing how traumatized she is right now.
I'm sure this is rambling, and I'm sorry, because I'm too tired to go back and edit it. So, it's pretty much just flowing out of me onto the screen.
I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my ecstatic daughter back.