[skippy740]

Here's some good ones for recent market turmoil:

Subject: Stock Market Advice

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse
of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of
America this might be some good advice. For all of you with
any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so
that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG
bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary,
Fuller, Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Bros ., and Zesta Crackers join
forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Com puters will
become: Fairwell Honeychild.

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become: Knott NOW!

Here is some new stock market terminology:


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.