Quote:
Originally Posted by LostSheep
To put my faith fully in god and stop the sinning.
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Lostsheep,
Many here on LDS.net have been here for you over the last year. Many have posted encouragement and advice hoping the best for you. I hope you feel the love that has been so freely offered to you.
I hope you know that I am one of those who truly hopes for healing and change in your life. I hope you see that desire in the many posts I have written to you. You seem like a wonderful individual with tremendous desire for righteousness.
Honey, I am gonna be straight with you and I will admit to being a little nervous about speaking my mind. But I don't feel like I would be any kind of friend unless I did. Now I know I don't know you other than our conversations here online. I don't know all the issues that are lying underneath your behaviors. I only know what you share here in your determination to conquer your demons and what I observe with your conversations with others.
It is my belief that you do want to conquer the problems that so easily beset you. I am the first in line to understand how difficult it is to overcome. I see you come to the forums over and over. You want the pain to stop. You want to feel loved and accepted of the Lord. You want the blessings of the temple and I think you even have a desire to serve a mission. But, what I don't see is your commitment to a recovery program. I don't see you talk about the recovery books you read or the group you attended on Thursday night. I think you still believe that you can lick this thing with shear will power and I still feel lots of excuses in your communications. I think you know somewhere in your heart that you can't do it alone.....and I think that is why you are asking for prayers now. But I don't think you are being honest with yourself and I don't think you are attacking this problem from a place of self empowerment. I think rather the discouragement is getting to you and you want to quit. Discouragement is part of the deal with addiction recovery. It is one of the things you can and must learn to deal with in healthier ways. You don't have to be so desperate. You don't have to live in the cycle of failure. But you are choosing to.
I will pray for you. I have in the past because I know what you are fighting. But I am hoping that some day you will come to terms with the fact that your behavior will most likely not change without a supportive recovery program. I believe that unless you do get some kind of professional or church sponsored help (12 steps or therapy) that you will continue in the pattern that you are currently displaying. I would feel much better about adding my prayers to the list if you would commit to attending a free church sponsored 12 step program. I would even feel great if you bought a few books and performed the written work inside them. I would love to support you in those type of efforts. It's hard work, but that is where you conquer your demons. Not on the internet asking for prayers. Are you in a headspace to understand what I am saying?
Who knows.......maybe you already are working a program and if that is true then I retract this entire post in celebration. But if you aren't ready yet or still believe that you want to handle this desperately on your own only seeing the bish every week or so, then I believe you have a long road ahead of you. I can pray that my car gets out of the mud. I can wail to the heavens for hours as I sit next to the mistakes I have made. But unless I walk the hundred miles to a phone or hire a tow truck, I will still be stuck in the mud!! God loves you. He wants you to change. But He won't do your work for you. He loves you too much for that. And He will let you struggle until you learn, even if that means years of suffering.
I hope you know I say this in love and with a little experience under my belt.
Best wishes, Lost Sheep. I am always here. But I will be more help to you after a commitment to recovery.