I don't think you are the same person you were a year ago. I think you know more. I think you are more self aware. I think your mind is open to more truth than you were able to see a year ago.
You just have yet to experience the joy of self mastery yet.
Yes...you have the pictures and the reminders, but you are right it isn't enough. I have said this before. You have to know your patterns so well and your enemy so well that you go to that five minutes and completely shake it up. You interrupt every trigger. You replace one way of dealing with a better way. You don't put 100% trust in Christ to do your work for you. You are expecting him to come in and make those 5 min. different. He won't. And if he did, where is the test in that? Where is the growth? He wants more from you. He knows you need the muscle that you will build by restructuring your life. He WILL increase your strength. He will support your efforts. Sometimes he moves mountains by lots and lots of digging. You can't make this cake by staring at a the picture on the box! You can't make it by wishing the Lord would turn on the oven and mix the batter for you.
I think, LS, that you have done some impressive work on yourself. But I still think you need to sacrifice some patterns that you still hold on to. You want the Savior to ungrip your fingers. But the reality is that the Savior is there inviting you to let go.
In the most simplistic terms, I think you need to restructure your patterns, and your thinking with regards to your patterns. Even in the most primary detailed ways. Practice the NEW structuring over and over and over. If your attempts aren't working, don't repractice the same faulty practice again. And don't get discouraged cause the thing you are trying isn't working. Just move forward to the next thing. ANd if you have any thinking that says "I'm different. I can overcome without doing that....." then think again and rehumble yourself. You probably are avoiding the very things that will help you.
Banish self pity. That only excuses you. Banish shame. That only makes you fall again. Get creative. Use the strategies you are learning about in your reading. You will see success.
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