Should I be concerned? Or am I overreacting?

[RachelleDrew]

Hello all!

Most of you know that my situation with my fiance is a little odd. We have a newborn child together, but we are living separately until our wedding date in a month because we are trying to avoid further sexual sin. He is a GREAT man, and grew up in the church, but unfortunately fell away for a year which is when he and I conceived our child. Now he's back in the church and trying very hard to live to the standards which he was raised. I became involved with the church about a year and a half ago, and i'm waiting for my baptism this summer. So our situation is a delicate one anyway.

So today he was on his way to work and remembered that he needed to send all his contacts a note with his new phone number. So he called me and asked me to do it for him. So I asked for his password and he gave it to me. It was a combination of a word and numerals.

Now, I don't think he knows that I recognized the word, but it's the last name of an ex-girlfriend of his from a couple of years ago. The relationship ended with no closure at all (she moved away), and he cheated on a girlfriend prior to myself with this girl. The situation is terrifying to me, because while he says he hasn't spoken to her in a year why would he make that his password?

A few months ago his password was something else, but spambots hacked into his account so he had to change his password. So this password is as recent as a couple of months ago.

Before I confront him or ask him about this, should I even be worried in the first place? He's always been so good to me, and i've never worried about him being unfaithful before. This is the first time i've ever worried about something like this with him. Am I overreacting?

[skalenfehl]

Well, the fact that he didn't seem to have a problem sharing that particular password with you shows that he is being honest and possibly opening up an opportunity to discuss it if you had a concern. Perhaps addressing it sensitively by assuring him of your feelings and appreciation for him and begin a dialog, if necessary on the subject. When the conversation is over and everything is smooth, reassure each other and move on. My two cents.

[Flyonthewall]

Well, I don't know your boyfreind at all, but if he is anything like me if may be a practical thing. I keep a set of a few different passwords that I will modify with a number or capitalization, and they have served me for the last 10-15 years. So instead of having to memorize a bunch of different passwords, I have a set few.
As was mentioned before, if he had no problem sharing it with you, then it probably means nothing more than a password to him.
If you have doubts or need to set your mind at rest, the bring it up in a non-accusatory way, because you don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, so to speak.

[RachelleDrew]

I did think of that. If he didn't have a problem sharing it with me, then obviously he didn't think much of it.

I don't think he's actually doing anything with this girl. She's states and states away, and if I remember right she's actually married now. So it's not infidelity i'm worried about.

What i'm worried about is that perhaps he's got an unhealthy emotional attachment to this girl. As I mentioned previously, the relationship ended in a very unresolved manner. Come to think of it, he's still got all of the old letters between the two of them and all of the presents she's ever given him. His most prized possession is a leatherbound set of scriptures that she had customized for him. I just never thought anything of it, especially the scriptures for obvious reasons (it's a really nice set, who wouldn't love them? Lol) But after this came up, I began to question everything.

I'm just wondering if he's just not let go of this girl emotionally. I wonder if he's got "what if" feelings for her more than anything.

I appreciate the suggestions and opinions so far. Keep 'em coming,.

[tomk]

I'm going to reveal something here.

I've been married for 13 years now. I have a beautiful wife and 3 children. I would never change the way things have turned-out.

But I do, on occassion, think about some of the women I dated before I met my wife. To be honest, I fell in love with a few of them. I don't think you ever give your heart in quite the same way as when you first fall in love with someone. Although the love I have for my wife is far deeper and richer than any woman I've known...you still don't love anyone else like your first love. And yes, I do wonder sometimes what my life might have been like. I don't dwell on it, but I do think about it. My wife and I have talked about this topic (past loves) so I don't feel weird talking about it.

Men are great at compartmentalizing. It's possible that the password really does mean nothing to him. Maybe he thought using your name for his password might be too obvious for a potential hacker. A hacker might know who his current girlfriend is, but may not know about past girlfriends, or wouldn't expect that he would use a past girlfriend's name.

Obviously this is something that bothers you enough to use this forum as a sounding board.

I would just ask him about it, in the most non-confrontational, loving way you can. I can't think of many other things that would enhance and extend his trust in you than knowing that he can talk about a past love with you which he has not been able to have closure with.

Men don't talk about it, but we do have feelings, lol. For me, past loves have been one of the few things I've not been able to say "the past is past". I think I will remember them until the day I die. For good or bad, they were a part of my life for a season. I just can't pretend they were never in my life or that I never cared for them, or wouldn't be happy to see them. So much time has passed that I honestly would have no idea how to get a hold of any of them anymore.

I would also make this a matter of prayer. Ask your Heavenly Father for guidance, compassion and wisdom. In my mind I see this a situation having great potential for building trust and love with your fiance.


Good luck,


Tom

[Elgama]

Like the others I wouldn't be worried my passwords are all a variation on a theme I have had since High School so they do contain names of boys I fancied then lol

However like Tom I have a previous attachment actually a couple - both of whom I could happily marry but for various reasons instead I married Richard. I love Stephen and Adrian very much one is still a huge part of my life and the other I haven't seen for ten years. Richard even refers to Stephen as my other husband when he phones up.

However I am married to Richard I have 2 children with him and no intention of cheating - when I first went round to Stephen's on my own I asked my husbands permission his reaction was I would have slept with him years ago if I had been going to.

Similarly my husband has another wife lol - its not a big problem and personally I really appreciate my husband and I can be honest that yes there are feelings for other people its not that easy to switch off but we also know we adore each other and harming each other is an awful idea.

I think its nice he loves and trusts you enough to share it with you without even thinking you would worry for me thats a sign of a healthy relationship between yourself and him, so he is very unlikely to be cheating.

-Charley

[RachelleDrew]

Tom- I never thought about it that way before. Thank you for your wonderful insight on the matter.

He and I are very different people, so sometimes I don't always understand his thought process. All of my relationships before this one were with men who treated me very badly. So I rarely think about them to begin with, much less in a positive manner. I more or less ignore the existence of my ex boyfriends.

He on the other hand has very different relationships with his exes. With the exception of this one, he's still friends with all of his ex girlfriends. Which I always considered a positive thing, as it takes a very special type of person to end a relationship on a good note instead of a sour one.

I'm sure it means nothing. A little bit hurtful yes, but I don't think he intended to be.

[Jbs2763]

i use an ex-chicks name as a password on the gaming site she got me hooked on...no biggie i think

[Moksha]

What i'm worried about is that perhaps he's got an unhealthy emotional attachment to this girl.

You worry too much. Have a Pepsi, then go for a walk and look for spring flowers.

[Gwen]

i think part of your concern could be a male / female thing. and maybe i'm wrong. lol but i know to be able to remember a password (i have a bad memory) all of mine have some meaning so if i were to use an old boyfriends name that would be a big deal. yet the guys (and some others) seem to be saying it's just a memory clue, sounds like more conveninance. someone mentioned haveing a set list they rotate through, i know my husband does that. for security purposes his work makes him change things every so often. so he goes down the list. i know a handfull of the ones he uses and i can tell they are more something that was going on at the time (he could have come up with it yrs ago) and now it's just habbit to make it easy. his passwords aren't near as personal as mine are. maybe it's more personality and necessity than male / female. but either way i'd say ask yourself who he is and which it's most likely to be. if it's nothing don't make it into something. if it really bothers you even knowing it's nothing talk to him, let him know this is your problem, he might be willing to take that one out of his list of passwords just for you. just my off the cuff thoughts anyway.