clashes with my husband and my family

I have always been very close to my family, and I have had a problem over several years with my husband clashing with them. He doesn't like any of them, and is always saying negative things about them to me, which upsets me greatly. And I can tell by the way my family act around him that deep down they really don't like him either, but they try to make an effort because of me. I have gotten to the point where I am tired of it. I just can't take it anymore. I feel uncomfortable and can't really enjoy myself when we go to family functions, cause I know that they really don't want to be around each other. Also I worry about what my husband is going to say next to upset my family, cause he has done this several times in the past. I have talked to him about how when he says negative things about my family it upsets me, but he keeps doing it. And I've asked him to try and control his comments around them a little, but it is a hard thing for him to learn when that is just the way he has been his whole life. I feel very sad that he does not get along with my family, and that my family does not get along with him. But I don't know what to do about it. Has anybody else had this problem? Does anyone have advice?

[Palerider]

I will throw this our for discussion ....makes me wonder if he is jealous of the attention they give you....would he admit that.....nope....he would be in denial.....I really believe if he tried he could get along with them.....he needs to grow up a bit and stop being judgemental....he is not perfect either.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

When I got married, "my family" stopped being my mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters, and started being my wife. And our kids when they came.

I think there's a scripture about that somewhere...

LM

[Dr T]

Gen. 2:24 says, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." I don't know if it relates to man only or if it's follows that woman would do the same, LM. Maybe an expert can help us understand that verse.

[Maya]

These things are so difficult, as there is really nothing to do with it but wait that th person finally sees himself how redicculosly he acts. you can try to talk, but nothing will happen before he himself "humbles" and acnoliges the problem. I think all you can do is to try to talk to him, dont nagg, that makes him shut down his understanding and willingness to co-operate, then wait. Then ETTE!

You may be a bit sneeky and try to find out things to talk with him that are not DIRECTLY what you think he is doing wrong, but that can help him to work this problem inside him better. Like maybe pride/humbleness, and how that affects every mans doings. I see a lot of pride connected issues in behaviors like this.

An other is acceptance of ... fex people with other ideas, other ways to do things.. what ever differances. Differances even the differances of opinion enrichen our world. Think if everyone had been alike! That would have been dull and therer had not been any progress.

Also take a look in to yourself. Dont take personally what he says and disagrees. He is here to learn! Think what you say and how you say it.. dont give him a chance to go on defence. Maybe to give in and admitt that he or her of your family said something stupid or something like that opens a new door to the discusition as he feels you are listening and not taking just defence.

A funny thing of men, this has happened so many times in our life! An exsample: We were to rearamnge our kitchen. I told him it would be nice to have a breakfast bar in the kitchen...he said NO WAY there is no place to it.... Months went past then one day while I wasatpresent, he takes his brother to the kitchen and explains a good idea that had just hit him: I been thinking what if I make here a breakfastbar here.. I smiled and bit my tongueand got what I wanted!! He honestly thought it was HIS idea! After a year or so I corrected him telling him it was actually my idea, and I loved the kitchen. He looked atme very surprised but acccepted what I said with a smile and " oh you did?". Then we laughed at "his" good idea! There is something about beeing able bite your tongue and later beeing able to LAUGH at things like that not just to try to hold your ground!!

Things go much easier if you give the credit to the man and if you sneek the idesa in so they think the idea was theirs. You`ll get your chanse one day anyway...

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by confused2008

I have always been very close to my family, and I have had a problem over several years with my husband clashing with them. He doesn't like any of them, and is always saying negative things about them to me, which upsets me greatly. And I can tell by the way my family act around him that deep down they really don't like him either, but they try to make an effort because of me. I have gotten to the point where I am tired of it. I just can't take it anymore. I feel uncomfortable and can't really enjoy myself when we go to family functions, cause I know that they really don't want to be around each other. Also I worry about what my husband is going to say next to upset my family, cause he has done this several times in the past. I have talked to him about how when he says negative things about my family it upsets me, but he keeps doing it. And I've asked him to try and control his comments around them a little, but it is a hard thing for him to learn when that is just the way he has been his whole life. I feel very sad that he does not get along with my family, and that my family does not get along with him. But I don't know what to do about it. Has anybody else had this problem? Does anyone have advice?

Adding to everyone elses comment, I would point our that would a prophet speak negative about anyone? Simple answer is no. Then nor should a priesthood holder of GOD. This advice is what my wife would state to those who do this.

We are called to be priesthood holders of GOD and act in its offical capacity at all times.

[LegendadryPerc]

I hate conflict, so find myself in the inbetween place a lot, where I'm trying to make everybody happy and keep them from hurting each others feelings. Ultimately realize that you can't change your husbands attitude or your family's. These are changes they must choose to make. Support them in their desires lovingly. Don't nag or coerce. Does your H even want to go to family things? Is it practical for you to go without him? If it's just going to cause misery on both sides, why should he go? Righteous actions only make us happy if we are doing them for righteous reasons.
good luck!

[ruthiechan]

My husband does not like being around my family either.

So, when I go visit my Mom, it's just me and the little one. I am making plans to see my sisters in Utah, and it'll just be me and the little one.

If my sister comes over to my house, or on the rare occasions my mother, he spends most of his time in his room on the computer. I also work to make sure that my sister and I get together while he is at work.

I do not force him to interact with people he does not particularly like, including my family. Because he is not forced to endure their presence on a regular basis during special times such as birthday parties and things he is able to deal with it. But when we are not actively eating or opening presents or whatnot he is either talking to our daughter, or reading.

Could it be your husband does not like the way your family treats you? Could it be some of your family treats him badly when he's alone with them such as when you go to the bathroom? Could all of his complaining about your family be his way of saying, "please we do not get along I do not want to see them?"

All this marital stress can not possibly be worth making him see your family.
Also, when you are with your family, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT say anything negative about your husband to any of your family members. That is a subtle betrayal and will make it harder for your family to like him and treat him genuinely well when he does see him.

[RachelleDrew]

If your family is making an effort to remain cordial, and you've expressed your concerns to your husband then there is really nothing you can do at this point.

I'm not sure if you have children, but this will especially be hard on them. Your husband cannot avoid your family forever, there are birthdays and school functions that your family will be invited to, and he won't be able to avoid them then.

I severely dislike a few of my husband's family members. But he and the people in question certainly aren't aware of it. It's very important to me to be civil and kind to all of his family members no matter what, because that's his family and I wouldn't dare be hateful to them or in front of him. It's simply not fair to that person.

My husband follows this too. If there are family members of mine he doesn't like, then I don't know about it because he knows to keep sweet in order to spare my feelings and the feelings of my family.

What is it about them your husband doesn't like? That would greatly affect how you deal with this. If it's simply a personality clash then he needs to get over it. But if they are doing something wrong then you need to find out what it is.

Good luck with this.

[Islander]

We often find it particularly difficult to express "less than altruistic" feelings and thoughts. The husband may not know how to express what the real issue is out of concern for his wife, appearing to be difficult or insensitive or perhaps even not knowing how to deal with them in a certain aspect of the relationship. A third party may be able to help. If you do not do anything about it it will become a red herring in the marriage and bring much anguish and heart ache.

I feel so lucky. My mother in-law is a sweetheart. She keeps looking over my head every time she visits. "I keep hoping to see the halo over your head some day" she says. She is not a member but she said I am onto something. I love her too and I am greatful she brought my wife into this world just for me..