Not happy in my marriage

[Adeipho]

Dont listen to any of those quacks.... *just kidding everyone*

Look, it seems to me that your husband made a lot of sacrifices for you so that YOU would be happy..ie moved to your country etc....Try this...

Go out of your way to do things that make him happy. Every day little stuff. And perhaps bigger things. What if you moved to his country for a few years? Is that even possible? What about something as simple as a vacation?

Bottom line....put all of your efforts into loving him and you will be amazed at the returns.


*This message of logic and reason has been brought to you by Adeipho and may or may not represent the views or opinions of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints*

[StrawberryFields]

I think Adeipho is onto something.

Marriages take a lot of sacrifice and with a good marriage it happens with TWO people.

[Fiannan]

Concur with the last two posts. Living in another country can be difficult -- which country is it anyway? Ronald Reagan once said that you could become a Japanese citizen but you could never become Japanese if you were not born that way. Same with countries like Sweden. Ethnic Swedes still look down on Finns even though to a non-Scandinavian you would not be able to tell the ethnic difference. Yet in general dimener there is little difference between the two -- except tht Finns are even more shy than Swedes and tend to be depressed if they are not in nature -- they do express opinions though.

Now imagine being an Irish/Italian New York man moving to Sweden because his boyfriend is Swedish. I know this ne guy who constantly gripes about Swedes and Sweden in general. He feels alienated from the culture and so often as a defense mechanism immigrants will act out -- make inappropraíate jokes about the people of the new country, get in arguments with in-laws, try to stand out on purpose or, in the case of young immigrants, commit acts against the new country. It's not easy living in a country that is not your own and will never see you as their own despite all their polite commitments to multi-cultural understanding.

I am not blind to the fact of how difficult it is to live in another country. We started off our marriage living in his country, but I could not handle it for several reasons. I don't want to get into specifics. So I know how incredibly hard it is. I guess I figured that we'd been living here for quite a while now and that things should have settled down, but maybe it hasn't been long enough yet. Perhaps I need to give him more time.

I do like the idea of doing things every day to make him happy though. I do some things already, but could always do more.

[Starfish]

Has your husband been checked for depression? Possibly he needs professional help. Something to think about.

Best wishes.

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by confused2008

I am not enjoying my marriage anymore. My husband has become a very negative person and I feel like I'm getting dragged down by him. I just don't feel happy anymore, and am wondering if I should leave him for awhile.

Here are the issues I have with him:
1 - He complains constantly about where we live. He is from a different country to me, and he moved to my home country so that I could be close to my family cause I was really struggling living away from them. It upsets me when he says bad things about my country. Have told him this, but he continues to do it.

2 - He doesn't like my family and doesn't get along with any of them. I am very close to them and it makes things very difficult. He is always saying bad things about them too, which highly irritates me. Have also talked to him about this, but he continues to do it.

3 - He says things without thinking and upsets people all the time. So we don't have hardly any friends. Have talked to him about this too, but it will be a hard habit to break when he has been like this his whole life.

4 - He has a terrible time holding down a job and it makes me very insecure.

5 - I just don't like the person he is anymore.

Problem is that there are two children involved and it makes things very difficult. We have been married seven years and sealed in the temple. I don't want to stay in a marriage that is making me miserable, but I know it is a huge thing to break it up too.
We have had some counselling in the past, and he is in counselling by himself right now. We should probably start going together again. I do still care for him, but its just getting so hard, and I am getting worn out. Does anyone have any other advice?

A couple of questions here...is he active in the church? Are you both active temple recommend hoiders?

Marriage is difficult. I know I tired to make mine work but after three years of useless counciling, it was over.

I know very little other than what you mentioned, and of course professional help is always best. One of the things that led up to my unhappyness was that my ex-wife always obeyed the council of her mother. Her mother council alot. Right down to my monthly allowance. Mind you, I was the only breadwinner in the family, and to say that she could have a say in what I spend ... well that was hard to take. It made me feel like my wife and I were not a family. No matter what we worked out, it could always be changed by her mother and nearly always was. Thats what started the downward spiral. When trying to work with her, she refused advice from counciling, bishops, and even the spirit. After three years of that, well it was over when other problems occured - serious problems.

The only thing I can offer is my own experience. If that helps, then great. Good luck.

[Misshalfway]

With Satan working so hard against marriage and such variety in family systems and expectations arising from such, I wish there was more in the way of marriage prep in the church. We create MTC's and classes to prepare for missionary service, why not marriage pre-camp or something? We learn languages in a matter of weeks! Why not learn the language of marriage and communication too? If eternal marriage is so important, why isn't there more preparation? I know that program....stay morally clean and temple worthy and all will be well. But for many it doesn't turn out so rosy. Many couples find themselves in such difficult circumstances with money or addiction or lack of healthy communication. I think we need to prepare our youth for the institution of marriage. I think their is so much more to consider than just a temple recommend and RM status and fun personality when choosing a mate. And even though two people are in love they may not have the skills to maintain that love. I know we are told that if we are living the gospel, our marriages will be happy. And that I believe is true. But there is a lot of gospel truth in pre-marriage therapy and I think something like this should be available for everyone who wants to get married.

[Islander]

There is the worldly version/definition of love and then there is the LOVE according to the Gospel. We must be wise enough to make such distinctions. Young, hormonal driven attraction and infatuation is not love. Early marriage tolerance and peaceful endurance of troubling issues is not love.

What we call "problems" in marriage are often symptoms of deep rooted issues. It take s along time for a marriage to hit the rock and start breaking apart. The reef was there but most imes both ignored it for a number of reasons. The other part of the equation is that at timers we lack the humility it takes to recognize our contribution to the conflict. It takes even more courage to do what is required to address the issues and fix the problems. Most couples fall short on that phase and counseling fails to deliver its promise. Both parties contribute to the demise of the marriage and trying to assign blame is just a silly past time designed for self-validation. It is useless otherwise.

LOVE is what we do everyday: support, share, sacrifice, encourage, upheld, compromise, accept, change, defend, endure, pray and praise one another. If that happens everyday there is no room for failure. Now, that is a very tall order to fulfill everyday.

[ruthiechan]

My sisters recommend the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

I having not read that one yet recommend, "Dealing with Differences in Marriage"

How do the inlaws treat him, especially when you are not around?
Do you both go to Church?
Is there a language barrier? a culture barrier?