Not happy in my marriage

I am not enjoying my marriage anymore. My husband has become a very negative person and I feel like I'm getting dragged down by him. I just don't feel happy anymore, and am wondering if I should leave him for awhile.

Here are the issues I have with him:
1 - He complains constantly about where we live. He is from a different country to me, and he moved to my home country so that I could be close to my family cause I was really struggling living away from them. It upsets me when he says bad things about my country. Have told him this, but he continues to do it.

2 - He doesn't like my family and doesn't get along with any of them. I am very close to them and it makes things very difficult. He is always saying bad things about them too, which highly irritates me. Have also talked to him about this, but he continues to do it.

3 - He says things without thinking and upsets people all the time. So we don't have hardly any friends. Have talked to him about this too, but it will be a hard habit to break when he has been like this his whole life.

4 - He has a terrible time holding down a job and it makes me very insecure.

5 - I just don't like the person he is anymore.

Problem is that there are two children involved and it makes things very difficult. We have been married seven years and sealed in the temple. I don't want to stay in a marriage that is making me miserable, but I know it is a huge thing to break it up too.
We have had some counselling in the past, and he is in counselling by himself right now. We should probably start going together again. I do still care for him, but its just getting so hard, and I am getting worn out. Does anyone have any other advice?

[tubaloth]

Did you talk to him about it.

[utcowboy]

I suggest going to counseling together, that way you can both work at it from the same point instead of against each other.

[Maya]

7 years, around that there is a critical point when ALL marriages have their worst! You arenot alone in that. I answered the other thread about your family and him...

All I can say DONT go from him, it will be better. Right now everything is kind of fallen on its place nothing is new, you know each other pretty well by now. It is always good to think back. WHY this guy why not anyone else? Think of the good times. Do things together. Hold family evenings and look at videos, pics from early days. Tell kids how you met... Try to do something together just the two of you.

Sometimes men are like big kids!

I live in an other country and it is NOT easy! It is much easier to work in your own country. I bet he missies home. There are so many things that are better in my country and I have let him hear about it. Luckily he can see through my fustration and see me here in this foreighn country, foreighn language! I know sometimes I just say wrong things as I dont know all aspects of a word and I can feel how they stare at me as if I was weird, and perhaps I am, to them. Not only because I dontknow the language and all its flavours, I also come from a country where you say things right out, not go aropuns like a cat goes around the hot porrage, trying to figure out what the person really ment with what he/she said... I am never sure where I stand in this country.

He too is very volunable by what he hears someone says about his country or what he reads about his country in magazines .. and if it is bad, quess who is gonna get the fustration...YES YOU. Home is the place where he dares to let his fustrations out. In a way that is good he dares to let it out, but you should be able to see through it, and so should your family too.

Forgiveness is very important. More you forgive more he will forgive. Then there is the pride... HOW MUCH should I forgive? WWJD??

Who do you think whisperes in ears the words... you are not going to tolerate all this are you?? You dont really need to tolerate THIS much! I believe that IF both persons are active in church they are also willing to mend the marrriage from its cracks. It always needs at least one of the partners not to be on right track to be able to destroy a family, and you know WHO will be happy for each family that was destroyed!

Timesaregetting harder. Even the frends in Church are telling those with difficulties they cant live with someone who di this or that. That only means we should wait til the other person is prefect in everythign before we marry...and taht will take a lifetime. In marriage we kind of promise to take the person the way he/she is that day and help that person to become a better person, more perfect. Marriage it to make us more perfect and we cant do that without difficulties, tears and even big dissapointments and heart aces. More you give the more you get!

ETTE!

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Originally Posted by confused2008

5 - I just don't like the person he is anymore.

You liked the person he is enough to marry him, but you'd figure he would change?

Here's my suggestion - read this book: Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships - and focus on the things you are doing. You can get a used copy for less than eight bucks, including shipping.

LM

[Islander]

Confused2008: I am sorry and sadden by the situation you are goig thru.

I am not sure I have much in terms of advise. Some observations however I can share with you and I will start by pointing that how we feel is always a temporary state. No stressful emotional state can last too long or it will overwhelm us and kill us for sure. It will not last. The tension will subside and the conflict will be resolved, so all you have to do is contiue to work on it. Go to counseling, pray, read your scriptures, help others in need.

You as a couple need to settle the issue of residency. Being from two different countries you both have to decide where you are going to leave and raise a family and forget the rest. Nostalgia is not real. It only lives in our heads. Nothing is as pretty and wonderful as we imagine it. So, we have to let go of it and concentrate in the here and now. "What if" does not exist.

Your husband's negativity is a result of his discomfort. He is also troubled by not being able to hold a job, he is also troubled by not having any friends and he feels isolated. Counseling is as good as the effort we are able to put ito it. It supposed to be a place or learning not just venting.

What happens from this point on depends almost entirely on what you both do and how you decide to face these issues together. My prayers are with you.

[MsMagnolia]

I reccomend the book "the care and feeding of husbands" my sister says it saved her marriage.

I also remember hearing this cute story once in general conference, hope it helps

Lola B. Walters, “The Grapefruit Syndrome,” Liahona, Sep 1999, 24
As a young wife, I learned that marriage could be sweeter if I didn’t focus on my husband’s faults.
My husband and I had been married about two years when I read an article recommending that married couples discuss truthfully and candidly the habits or mannerisms they find annoying in each other. The theory was that if partners knew of such annoyances, they could correct them before resentful feelings developed.
It made sense to me. I talked with my husband about the idea. After some hesitation, he agreed to give it a try.
As I recall, we were to name five things we found annoying. I started off. After more than 50 years, I remember only my first complaint: grapefruit. I told him I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. Instead of cutting it open and eating it with a spoon, he peeled it and ate it a section at a time. Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could I be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching my husband eat grapefruit like that? Although I have forgotten them, I’m sure my other complaints were of similar importance.
Then it was his turn. It has been more than half a century, but I still carry a mental image of my husband’s thoughtful, puzzled expression. He looked at me and said, “I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you.”
Gasp. I quickly turned my back, not knowing how to explain my tears. I had found fault with him over such trivial things, while he hadn’t even noticed any of my peculiar and no doubt annoying habits.
I wish I could say this experience completely cured me of faultfinding. It didn’t. But it did teach me early in my marriage that we need to keep in perspective, and usually ignore, the small differences in our spouse’s habits and personalities. Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now call the grapefruit syndrome.

[christmasvalleyfarms]

There are so many myths abounding today about marriage, happiness, etc. One of the biggies is, I am unhappy in the marriage, therefore if I leave, I will be happy. Especially where there are children involved, that is just not true. I encourage you to check out the following link: IAV|Does Divorce Make People Happy?. It cites a landmark study done about the happiness of individuals following divorce. The vast majority of those who do divorce find themselves no happier; and I am a firm believer that it is just so so hard on the kids. I've been divorced once before; no children fortunately, but it still took a toll on me that I feel to this day. I've been in my current marriage for 24 years now, and believe me over those years there have been times I'd have traded him in for a used toaster! But life is like that. We can't just run from the hard and unpleasant bits and expect to find a place where it is all goodness and light. Nothing that is worthwhile is easy. Good luck!

Thank you for your replies. They were very uplifting and helpful. It has been a very difficult 12 months for us. Sometimes it just gets overwhelming. I don't want to break up our family, so I am going to keep at it. Its true that splitting up would bring problems too, and it is better for everyone if we stay together. Sometimes you just need some encouragement, so thanks again.

[ztodd]

Is he willing to pray with you every day? Read scriptures with you every day?