Helping the Overwhelmed

[MorningStar]

A sister in my ward has been overwhelmed by one trial after another and no one can supply all the things she feels she needs. In the past, she has been so needy that people avoid her, but now I feel she truly needs some extra attention. She had gall bladder attacks during her pregnancy, had to go on a low/non-fat diet, and a month after delivery she had to have her gall bladder removed followed by another surgery two weeks later for an unfortunate problem that often happens with pregnancy - a rather embarrassing one. Her husband is back at work now, her postpartum depression is pretty bad, her baby is having problems with his formula, and she called her doctor yesterday because she was having suicidal thoughts. This is her 4th child and she said meals would be nice for a while, rides to her doctor appts. so she can keep taking her pain meds (the last surgery didn't work and she is hurting a lot), and she says the most helpful thing would be someone to come over and hold her baby when he's been crying for a long time. We have two people in our ward with cancer and one who is about to have serious brain surgery, so the majority of people's time, resources, and energy are going towards them, which is understandable.

But I am worried about this sister and will do what I can for her, but I'm afraid many people will blow her off. I'm especially nervous because she just started a new medication and sometimes that can backfire.

I'm trying to figure out how best to help her, but I realize sometimes people are on their own. When I was on crutches for 4 months, a lot of things didn't get done that needed to be and there was nothing I could do. For two weeks we had a nasty stomach flu in our house and it was a miserable time because no one could come near us. My kids were 6, 3, and 2 at the time, I couldn't leave the house without help because I couldn't chase my 2-year-old, I couldn't put him in his crib for a nap, so he just fell asleep on the floor somewhere, cleaning was extremely difficult, the kids were going stir crazy, etc., but I'm still alive. But I don't suffer from depression and I'm afraid of what this sister might do.

Any thoughts?

[Truegrits]

Does she have family that know what is going on?

[skalenfehl]

How active is your ward Relief Society and its presidency? Has her situation not been discussed at your ward's PEC meetings? This assuming your bishop is aware.

[Moksha]

(Just to add a parenthetical note, I think the Church and Church members are so wonderful for helping people the way they do. It demonstrates the true spirit of Christ.)

[Hemidakota]

Referring back to Skale comment, the best advice is to approach the RS Presidency, Home teachers, and Visiting Teachers.

[Gwen]

you said this is her 4th child, how old are the other 3?

has anyone talked to her husband about what he thinks can/needs to be done? sometimes when depressed you don't really know what you need, just something to change. he may have a clearer picture of things and what will help.

also could check with other chruches in town, we have one there that has an adopt a grandparents program for their members; most chruches wouldn't object at all to including someone like this. what grandma wouldn't love to hold a new baby for awhile each day or couldn't fix a bit extra at lunch and drop it off. if you explained how your rs' resources were already maxed i bet they would love to help where they could.

[Truegrits]

My thought was, what about the neighbors? Maybe someone could check into that for her. I know that I have had wonderful neighbors that have been there for me. Her neighbors might welcome the chance to help out. Bringing over some meals; helping with the baby/children, etc. Might be an option worth checking out.

[RachelleDrew]

I have to say that i'm very happy about your willingness to help her. It truly is our responsibility to help our brothers and sisters when they are in need. Sometimes when there are so many who need assistance a few can fall through the cracks.

To start I echo others in this thread who have said to go to your RS leaders as well as even your bishop. They wouldn't have these positions if they didn't care about their members. Going straight to the top of your authorities may be the best way to get the ball rolling, as I think members would be more likely to listen to their call for action.

If she has four children and is suffering from PPD then her situation is more dire than it may even appear. That is a LOT of stress and it could begin to negatively affect her children. I hate to be hysterical but sometimes situations like that even leads to abuse. In the case of her depression, sometimes just talking to an adult as opposed to children all day can help. For those who perhaps cannot commit to making meals and driving her to appointments, perhaps they could make an effort to call her often and swing by, even if it's just to chat for a minute. It may not seem like much, but it makes all the difference in the world.

This is something that you could even get the youth involved with. I don't see why the YW couldn't make freezeable meals for her to pop in the oven, or why some of the scouts couldn't mow the lawn or something.

It's important to try and get everyone involved, because if RS was the only group that did service to it's members then nothing would get done. I know ours is always overloaded with projects and sometimes those ladies just can't possibly get to everything and everyone.

Prayers are always helpful. This board can help in that department. Hehe. : )

[MorningStar]

Thanks everyone for the great advice! I was happy to hear that someone took her other kids yesterday, so that's helpful. They are 8, 6ish, and 2. The 6-year-old has some sensory issues and is quite difficult and the 8-year-old is pretty willful and not being especially helpful to his mom.

The RS pres. knows and she has spent a lot of time trying to encourage more independence in this sister, which a lot of people agree with, but we need to recognize the times where she really needs help. It's kind a boy who cried wolf situation. Now that she truly needs help, people aren't that quick to respond. Also, the RS pres. is the type to say "I went through that and I made it, I was depressed and I managed, I had surgery with kids and I did it on my own". Not everyone handles the same trials the same way and if anything happens to her or her baby, I wouldn't want that on my conscience. Next opportunity I get, I will ask her husband what would help the most.

Gwen, that was a great idea to check with other churches. I hope someone has a program like that. We don't have very many elderly ladies in the ward and the ones we do have still work during the day. I asked her about having some young teenagers come and she says she doesn't have the energy to train them on how to deal with her baby and he's been so difficult she hardly knows what to do with him. She's in kind of a negative frame of mind right now. I don't see how someone could come over and hold him the wrong way. The weather is pretty nice now. I think someone could take him for a walk in a stroller and that would give her some peace and quiet and she wouldn't have to know if he's crying.

Last night I got a hold of her visiting teacher and she was surprised by how bad she's doing now because as of Thursday, she said she was doing fine and canceled the help she asked for. Well, the RS pres. had suggested she leave her alone because she is stressed. She told me, "What? I'm not stressed!" I said, "Ohhhhh ... She must've said something that gave her that impression because I know she's trying to get her to be more self-reliant." So, they will be having a little chat about that.

People are also resistant to help because they think she should stop having children due to her postpartum issues, but she said she and her husband felt inspired to have this baby and I can't really judge their decision. But honestly, I hope this is the last child the Lord wants her to have because this has almost broken her mentally and physically.

I appreciate prayers for her too! Thank you so much.

[LegendadryPerc]

Honestly this is my pet peeve, us falible humans judging others on whether they "should" do it on their own, etc. I know the church emphasises self reliance, but there is a difference between encouraging self reliance, and lack of compassion. In reality, this is not about that sister at all. It is about you. I say you, because you are the only one who you can control how this effects you. The Lord could make her well, he could take away all her trials, he could suddenly give her all the help she needs or seems to need. He could tell you that she has all the help she could possibly need, but he hasn't. He perfectly ochestrates our lives to our best benifit. She is in your ward, or you are in hers, for a reason. You are uncomfortable with the situation for a reason. You are given the opportunity to help for a reason.
One time we had very little food, I was preg. with my 3rd, dh was in grad school, student loans had been held up for some reason - anyway, it was very hard for me to accept the fact that we needed help, but we went to the bishops storehouse anyway. This kind old man looked at me, and said, "Thankyou for blessing us with an opportunity to serve." I had been at the bottom of my self esteem, having to face my pride, and here was someone telling me I was a blessing.
Years later, we were barely making it. We live in a small town that gets very cold in the winter, so we hardly ever see a bum. But as I was leaving the grocery store, after making hard decisions on what we needed most, I saw a bum. I took all the change we had, (which was a lot for us - not much for most, lol) and gave it to him. Over and over again he said, "God bless you." Thinking of all of our very real needs at the time, I was thankful for the blessing. Then it dawned on me. The Lord had already blessed me! With so many young kids that it was a miracle every day I made it, I had no time to volunteer to help others. With so little money, that it was a miracle that we made it, I had no money to help others with. I long so much to be able to feel usefull and help others, for the thrill of making one smile. The Lord had already given me the blessing this man evoked from heaven. He was the blessing. The opportunity I had to give him all that we had. That was the blessing itself.
So, the Lord will not let something that isn't for the good of all, happen. His definition of good is eternal, not mortal, though. The Lord has blessed you with this opportunity. Will you take it?