Help with my Marriage

I have been married to my sweetheart for 3 and half years with a baby due in September. Throughout our marriage I screw up and my wife gets mad. if I don't resolve the problem soon, then the problem becomes worse. The more time that passes the harder it is to resolve as she gets more angry. For example if I don't resolve a problem at night then the next day it's way way worse.
When I don't resolve it before night then that becomes the main reason for her being mad. This has happened the entire marriage. Sometimes it takes a few hours up to 15 hours total time to resolve something. What she is mad at me now the fact that when she came home from work she found me sleeping after doing my home work. The home teachers were due to come over and the house was a mess and I should have cleaned up. I tried for 5 hours that night to resolve it, found some other things she wasn't happy about and fell asleep before it was fully "Resolved". Fully resolved means that she feels "comfortable" which means I need to say things to make her know that I won't do it again. Now it's been 2 days and we are still not resolved. I have put forth all of my time home trying to resolve it.
I talked to her about how I feel that there is nothing I can say. I tell her that I won't do it again and that I will do better. She says that she has heard it before and cannot trust me. I don't know what to do, I feel like I am willing to change but she is not willing to forgive. I told her today that I feel like she needs to be more forgiving. She then said that means that I blame her for it taking so long to resolve.
She told me to leave the room and then she left the house. Don't know where she went. About 9 months on in our marriage marriage we had the same problem and I spoke to our bishop. He said he wanted to talk to her but she wouldn't meet with him. She also is against any marriage counseling. The answer to the problem in her mind is simple, I'm wrong and she is right, I just need to deal with it because that's the way she is. She thinks that it is ALL my fault and I'm the only one that needs to change. She has set guidelines for me and "It shouldn't be hard for me to follow them."
She says she cannot trust me because of how many times I don't resolve it soon enough. I tell her I will do better but she can't buy it and I don't want to lie if I'm going to screw up. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have reached a point where something needs to happen. (She needs to try to be more willing to forgive) Should I continue to follow her rules and just keep trudging along that I have? Or should I stand up to what I told her (last time I stood up to her it lasted a week and we didn't speak the whole time). When we are not like this our marriage freaking amazing! I truly love her with all my soul and I'm am deeply afraid that if I stand up to what I told her I think it might eventually lead to divorce. I know I am not perfect either and I can do better, I just feel like it's her way or the highway because "Your the one that hurt me, I shouldn't have to feel sorry for you". Maybe I'm completely in the wrong and need to not fall a sleep before it is resolved.
I hope this makes sense, I can clarify if you need. Any help would be appreciated!

[Kirajo]

No idea what to tell you as far as advice goes but I do want to mention that I applaud you for your efforts and willingness to try and better your marriage even if it means counseling. That takes a lot for most men to even consider. Good luck!

[checkerboy]

Dude come on man. A marriage is where two people try their best to do whatever they can for each other. She is obviously not concerned about you or your feelings. My ex (notice the ex) wife was the same way. It was her way or the highway. Yeah guys do stupid stuff and we need to be ready to apologize almost daily, but for her to see no fault at all just shows that her maturity level is well below where it needs to be for your marriage to work. If she isn't willing to discuss things with you or with a counselor then you need to let her know that that isn't what is in the best interest of your marriage.

Maybe giving her this little tidbit might snap her out of it. Tell her that should you divorce it will be relatively easy for you to find a good LDS woman that will respect you but the odds of her finding a good LDS man are way against her.

One thing that I learned from my marriage was that it is important to be able to forgive and to do whatever it takes to make things work. Problem is if the two of you are yoked together trying to pull your marriage along and one of you sits down, what can the other one do but go in circles. She isn't being fair to you in the least. Maybe she needs more time to "get over" things but still, come on. You are doing what you need to. I mean take a look at some of the other threads around and see what kind of jerks alot of women are married to. You sound decent and maybe should remind her that you don't have all the problems that alot of us guys have.

Anyway, that is my 2 cents. Yeah I am still a bit bitter about somethings but dude, don't let her walk all over you.

[WANDERER]

These things are rather grevious when you're really in love and they are emotionally devastating. The trust/forgiveness issue seems to be a bit of a battleground at the moment. She wants/needs to trust you...you want/need forgiveness.

[Misshalfway]

Well, it sounds like she has some extreme expectations. You know, you don't have to fix everything. You don't have to "make" her feel better. We each have the responsibility to own our feelings and reactions. Sounds like she is making you responsible for her happiness. It sounds very out of balance and unfair to you.

I think it is sad that she is so against counseling. Perhaps she knows that she is acting inappropriately. Much safer to keep everyone out of it. No one to require more of her. That is my guess.....

Think about detachment. Are you familiar with the concept? I wonder if you could discuss with her, maybe when things are emotionally calm, some healthier ways to deal with conflict. Conflict in marriage is absolutely inevitable. So is individuality and human-ness. You shouldn't have to live your life and make decisions that only she wants you to make. You should be able to fall asleep and be late for HTing or whatever without such emotional punishment. People make mistakes. Students who study long hours and try to provide for a family get tired and slip into cat naps. It is SOOOOO normal. Not punish worthy. She certainly is by holding it over your head with hours of relentless conversation. That just seems so over the top.

I think best thing for you is some boundaries and detachment. She sounds like a controlling personality. I think boundaries -- the firm and loving kind -- could really make a difference for you.

I wanted to address the trust thing. She needs to learn to what trust really is. She needs to learn to trust herself to handle disappointment and conflict and unmet expectations. She needs to realize that she is destroying the very thing she wants. Patience is needed here on her part. Her expectations are unrealistic. She needs to realize that sometimes things resolve themselves on their own or without so much intensive focus. She needs to be patient with you and just let you be who you are and what you are and she needs to learn to love it and be ok with it anyway. Trust will grow in this kind of environment. I think you need to lay some of this out for her. Perhaps your boundaries can help you do that.

[SMG]

May I humbly suggest that your wife start some course of counseling? It sounds like she would benefit greatly from it. She is expecting a heck of a lot from you and not all that much from herself. I may be a single, but that doesn't sound like that is healthy for a marriage AT ALL. Marriage is a partnership, not a master-slave thing.

[MarginOfError]

First, allow me to state some credentials. I have a degree in Communication Theory, in which I've studied interpersonal communication/relationships and conflict management.

The major problem I see is that you and your wife have different styles of managing conflict. You seem to be a somewhere between passive and accomodating and she seems to be between aggressive and dominating. That does not make either you or her right, and it makes neither of you wrong either. Both styles are equally valid and both can be used quite effectively. I'll reiterate, the problem is that your styles are different. This can be a very serious problem, as at least one researcher has found this to be the leading factor in predicting marital failure. However, this problem can be resolved.

You and your wife need to have some serious discussions about how youwill resolve conflict in the future. I'd recommend ignoring any conflicts you have along the way and focus on developing your strategy. The key is perfect agreement on how you will resolve conflict. Consider if you want to have conflicts resolved before going to bed or if it is better to sleep on it. Do you want to talk things over, or will using e-mail work better (my wife and I often argue via e-mail because we can edit out emotional responses and find ourselves doing less to agitate the problem than when we talk face-to-face). How will you avoid interruptions when managing conflict? What will be your rules for bringing up other items that are contributing to the current conflict (these could be previous unresolved conflicts, or unspoken agitations)?

I would like to see you both go for counseling, but that doesn't seem likely right now. Hopefully she'll open up to it in the future, so keep trying.

Some resources you might find useful, if you can find them. These are the best marital references I've ever come across:

"Why Marriages Fail: Affective and physiological patterns in marital interaction" by John Gottman. This is an article, not a book. You may need to use your university library to find it.

You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen. This went out of print a few years ago, so you'll have to look for it on Amazon.

Here are a few additional pointers that may help, especially if you communicate like the average male:

1) never tell a woman she is being irrational when she is being irrational. She is much better suited to that information when she returns to being rational.

2) never tell a woman she's 'just being emotional' when she's being emotional. She usually already knows this and is probably frustrated by it. Besides, the words 'You're just being emotional' tell her thatyou think her emotions are irrelevant. Remember, relationships are nothing without emotions, and successful relationships are those that manage emotions.

3) Try not to interrupt. People actually have very little to say when you let them actually say it. interruptions will only lengthen the conversation and likely take it off course. Each partner should learn to just be quiet until the other has nothing left to say. (this applies only to conflict management and not to conversation).

Good luck. I hope things change for the better.

[BusyMom]

Hormonal shifts in pregnancy and postpartum can really affect some women and how they handle stress and relationships. Some women find a lot of help by taking an Omega-3 supplement, your doctor, midwife, or chiropractor, can help you in correct dosage information. Current research is showing much success in controlling mood swings with Omega-3's. This is a natural oil found in fish, it also helps the baby's intellect ! Consider also that if there is any previous mental health diagnosis (depression, OCD, bi-polar, etc) that pregnacy can exacerbate the condition and that bringing this to the care providers attention can help to get the right assistance (meds, therapy, etc) so your wife can return to full functioning. I don't think she wants to live this way, she just may not know a better way to handle her frustrations or she may be suffering from a chemical imbalance; in both cases, it is fix-able.

I, like other posters, believe that counseling would be an awesome idea but until she is ready that won't happen. I would suggest looking for a high-quality childbirth preparation class. I have active couples communication exercises in my classes that most couples find very beneficial. We talk a lot about things to do to build the relationship during this time and working together. This class is probably not going to be found at the hospital, you will have to look around for it and you will have to cover the cost. If the problem continues to exist, consider hiring a doula to help your wife with labor support. This will take the responsiblity for coaching and outcomes off of you. You will be present and available as your wife wishes but won't have to shoulder the responsibility. This may allow an opportunity for healing to occur.

Good luck to you and your wife!

[Starfish]

Dear Rugby 123,

I sympathize with you and your wife. I suggest you get counseling alone, if she won't go with you. Talk to your Bishop and get recommendations on where to go. Talking to your bishop without her there, is also a resource. He has the right to receive inspiration to advise you.

Your child needs an intact home with two parents, so don't let this go till emotions/feelings become too damaged, before getting help. You cannot change your wife, you can only change yourself. You also cannot always live on eggshells. Home needs to be a "soft place to fall" (Dr. Phil phrase) and not full of land mines. As is, this marriage likely won't last and your child will end up paying the price.

Pray, fast, go to the temple. Do everything in your power to improve your relationship. Seek inspiration for what you can do to change YOURSELF.

You'd be surprised how many marriages that seem healthy, are struggling. Believe me, your Bishop has seen a lot. The majority of marriages, even within the Church, struggle. Most survive the struggles, and the world never knows. It's only in the failed marriages do the rest of us see it. There are likely many strong marriages in your ward that have had to get outside help.

Best wishes.

[cgrantreed]

This is an interesting post as our stake president just said a couple weeks ago that this exact thing is becoming a plague in the church worldwide. He said specifically that there are record numbers of women in the church that are asking for divorces and celestial cancellations because they feel that their husbands are not doing what they need to be doing in their relationships to be the proper priesthood leaders and that the women themselves feel that they are not wrong in anything that they have said and that they refused to go to counseling because they did not feel that it would help because they were not wrong.

I know that I am in the middle of a divorce for that exact same thing so I would have to believe that its a valid problem. I don't have any advice but know that you are not alone in this situation.

Sad commentary to be sure...

grant