Caught my Father-in-law with Porn

[Heavenguard]

If you google "porn addiction" (esp. together with "Christian") there are a large number of websites that come up that might be helpful in understanding the different options in your situation.

[ruthiechan]

It is possible that this addiction is only 6 months old.

It could be that he had an issue in his youth, resolved it, and then serious stress brought him back to it. It was probably not conscious. I doubt he thought, I'm stressed as all get out I must watch porn to feel better. It was probably a lot more subtle than that.

I feel it was not your place to tell him to step down from his calling. Every person has a their own sins and challenges to deal with while serving in a calling. I would encourage him to talk to his Bishop. Do not encourage him to tell his wife or anyone else. Telling the Bishop is what matters most in this case methinks. But, I would not bother him about it right away. Give him time to work on it himself.

I would not install anything on his laptop. That is a violation of privacy. I would be livid if someone did that to me. Though, hopefully your FIL is smart enough to have it password protected so no one can do such things. . .

The Spirit told you to talk to him. Did the Spirit instruct you to do anything else? If not, then do nothing else.

[Islander]

Originally Posted by ignoranceWASbliss

I really don't think I would be able to tell my husband. He also looks up to his father & to know this would just devestate him. I don't feel it my place to reveal this to anyone especially his family or our bishop. I feel that should be his place & if I did tell my husband it would be a betrayal to him & the confidentiality I promised him. I think I may have already done all I should do.

Painful as it may be, you should share the event with your husband or you also become a participant in his sin and transgression (by omission). This is not advocating judgment but responsibility because of the impact on innocent parties. I am speaking here about the clear impact on priesthood responsibilities.

Difficult as it may be to your husband it is a clear example that none are immune from sin. No need for accusations or judgment. A quiet conversation between father and son should be sufficient. Imagine he just found out he had prostate cancer. A difficult but necessary conversation. But I believe your husband needs to know so that it gets addressed NOW. His (your FIL's) eternal salvation is more important than his pride. Keep it simple; share with your husband and stand aside and just pretend it did not happen for the sake of family harmony. Love him the same way and treat him the same as the day before you walked on him watching the explicit material. Nothing has changed other than you found out he has a problem. Imagine, like I said, that it is cancer

[Vanilla]

Originally Posted by ignoranceWASbliss

I really don't feel I should go to the bishop on my own. It would be like tattling or a total betrayal to the trust I may have established. I promised him I would tell no one.

Originally Posted by ignoranceWASbliss

I really don't think I would be able to tell my husband. He also looks up to his father & to know this would just devestate him. I don't feel it my place to reveal this to anyone especially his family or our bishop. I feel that should be his place & if I did tell my husband it would be a betrayal to him & the confidentiality I promised him. I think I may have already done all I should do.

Originally Posted by ignoranceWASbliss

I am 1000% discretion on this one! There is no doubt that I will tell NO ONE! It is HIS responsibility to tell his wife & the bishop.

I think you are doing the right thing on all three of the above quoted choices. It is his job to go to his Bishop and although it might be a really hard thing to do, I think you are correct in keeping this between you and him. I think telling your MIL and husband would betray his trust. Maybe your "catching" him was a wake up call for him and maybe now he will take the appropriate steps.
Just my opinion...

[ruthiechan]

Originally Posted by Islander

Painful as it may be, you should share the event with your husband or you also become a participant in his sin and transgression (by omission). This is not advocating judgment but responsibility because of the impact on innocent parties. I am speaking here about the clear impact on priesthood responsibilities.

Difficult as it may be to your husband it is a clear example that none are immune from sin. No need for accusations or judgment. A quiet conversation between father and son should be sufficient. Imagine he just found out he had prostate cancer. A difficult but necessary conversation. But I believe your husband needs to know so that it gets addressed NOW. His (your FIL's) eternal salvation is more important than his pride. Keep it simple; share with your husband and stand aside and just pretend it did not happen for the sake of family harmony. Love him the same way and treat him the same as the day before you walked on him watching the explicit material. Nothing has changed other than you found out he has a problem. Imagine, like I said, that it is cancer

I disagree. She will then be betraying her FIL's trust, and thusly he will not confide in her any longer. When it comes up again, she needs to encourage him to speak with his Bishop. It's no one elses business, but it was made ignoranceWASbliss's business because she caught him in the act. Other than showing him love, encouraging him to speak with his Bishop is her only job right now when directed to do so by the Spirit. Only the Bishop can consult him on what to do regarding callings and family.

I agree with Vanilla 110%.

[Islander]

Hummm...Imagine he is called to offer the opening prayer in Sacrament on Sunday? Imagine he is call to officiate a priesthood ordinance at church, perhaps even a blessing? in fact, as it stands today on account of this issue his priesthood responsibilities would have been withdrawn should it be known.

I understand the need for discretion and the emotions involved. I am more concerned with my stewardship in the priesthood, my responsibility to watch for the correct order of the ordinance and the damage he can actually do to third parties by not being worthy and pretend he is. This is not judgment on him. Hiding the truth is in fact lying before the eyes of God.

See Mor 9:29, D&C 46:4, Alm 39:6-10

You will find objection to a surgeon being drunk before he operates on a loved one and you would not care much about how he/she feels or the impact/consequences (including legal) he may have to face for his decision to drink before getting to work. I am asking you to consider the consequences of his desire for secrecy and the fact that not only him but now you (since you know) would have to account for your knowledge of the sin and allow him to potentially break the covenant, stain the ordinance and mock God.

What we think and feel here is emotionally quite charged and intense. But, it should not supersede our desire to obey the commandments and preserve the integrity of the ordinance. Again, I do not underestimate your pain and struggle. I can appreciate the delicacy of the situation and your desire to avoid appearing judgmental. It is also about being truthful and having your hands and conscience clean before God. What I wrote above on a previous post still applies. It should be approached as a family crisis rather than judgment.

[candyprpl]

It's obvious that this issue has you terribly upset and concerned. Very understandable. Have you fasted and prayed on this issue? All of us here can and have given some great advice but it is only you and the great Comforter that can really be of any help. If you have a LDS counselor in your stake I would seek out that person. It will stay confidential. You need help with your feelings, otherwise this could become a problem in your family. The Church leaders are well aware that these problems with this particular addiction exist. Elder Oaks: "Here, brethren, I must tell you that our bishops and our professional counselors are seeing an increasing number of men involved with pornography, and many of those are active members. Some involved in pornography apparently minimize its seriousness and continue to exercise the priesthood of God because they think no one will know of their involvement. But the user knows, brethren, and so does the Lord." (Elder Oaks goes onto say)"Those who seek out and use pornography forfeit the power of their priesthood. The Lord declares: When we undertake to cover our sins, ... behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man" (D&C 121:37) Pornography also inflicts mortal wounds on our most precious personal relationships." (Dallin H. Oaks, "Pornography," Liahona, May 2005, 87-90)

Elder Oak's talk is a wonderful talk but I ended with the quote of what pornography can do to "precious personal relationships." Look what it has done to you. I know you love your father-in-law and I feel the most loving thing you can do for him is to let him know how this has affected you and what it is doing to him spiritually. We have so many examples in the scriptures of people needing to be brought to repentance and that is because our loving Father in Heaven wants them to repent and come back. He's lost the priesthood even if he thinks he has not. How sad is that? Love him by telling him that he needs to bring this out and start the repentance process. It's obvious that the so-called counseling sessions aren't working. I can't emagine that he's not being told to go to his bishop and Stake President with this. Maybe you 'caught' him because he needed more shame felt and if this doesn't work what will need to happen next before he is truly humbled?

But I'm very concerned for you and the load you're carrying. Again I say, this board is great but maybe you need more of a face to face help. I personally know how damaging addictions (no matter what kind) can be. It can destroy a whole family.

Sincerely and prayerfully, Candace

[Hemidakota]

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction

[MorningStar]

I'm impressed by the way you handled it. I think I would've reacted in one of two ways. Either I would've left the room completely mortified, never wanting to look at him in the face again or I would've yelled out, "OH MY GOSH WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!!!!!!!"

I think you've probably done enough. He knows you know and he's going to be sweating it even though you told him you wouldn't tell anyone else. Maybe that will be motivation for him to tell his wife and bishop before someone else does.

[rena_goldmoon]

On the telling your husband thing If I were in your situation I would. I dont keep anything from my husband. I think you should be open and honest with him. He is your other half and was sent to help support you in these situations. I think you owe more honesty to your husband then his father and part of life is realising no one is perfect but loving and helping them anyway. I know you love him but think if he finds out later that you were keeping something from him. I know that if I found out later that my husband knew something about my parents as big as this and didnt tell me I would feel more then a little hurt. We work through everything together. I believe that marriage deserves complete honesty and openness. We've worked through his sister being in a serious domestic violence situation together and currently are working through his sister having morality issues and both I found out about first and went to him for advise concerning his family. Families are here to help eachother. I would prey about it but definately tell your husband.