Caught my Father-in-law with Porn

[ignoranceWASbliss]

I walked in on my Father-in-law on a porn site. When I walked in the room he jumped & closed his laptop. I played it off like I didn’t see it, although I was freaking out inside. This man is a VERY prominent member of the stake & our community. He is a high counselman & former bishop at our ward & others. I’ve been married to his son for 3 yrs & have known him for about 11 yrs. He has always been one of the highest people on my list as far as who I admired spiritually & otherwise, so this was a HUGE shock & punch in the gut to me.

The thing is, we are pretty close. I have gone to him for advice & counsel before my own bishop or father. So I decided to talk to him about it, to tell him that I did see what he was doing. The reason for that being to reach out to him to help him get through this. I prayed about it & felt like it was the right thing to do. So I did the very next day after catching him. He was of course completely embarrassed. I tried to make him feel comfortable by telling him I wasn’t judging him, that I wouldn’t share this with absolutely anyone, that he shouldn’t feel bad because it is so common, etc. He’s 58 yrs old & told me this habit was only about 6 months old. I honestly don’t believe that for a minute. I don’t think indiscretions like this happen out of the blue. He said he was getting counseling for it with a stake support group, which I do know does exist. He has yet to talk to his wife or the bishop about it. I feel that he should have already done these things & expressed that it should be done. I also expressed that I was concerned about his calling & his reputation. He knows he will be let go from his high counsel calling eventually. I feel he should gracefully step down now before any of that is forced upon him. I don’t feel it right in the sight of God to be in such a leadership role with such demons that he is fighting, let alone taking the sacrament. I’m not sure if I believe he is as ok as he says he is. He says he’s been going to the support group for 2 months out of the 6. I’m just shocked & confused about this entire thing and I have no one to talk to because everyone that I would confide in knows him, by best friend, my family, the bishop or stake president. Even the church members I know out of state know him because they served missions here. I have absolutely no one but the Lord on this one, which is new for me. I always ask someone’s opinion.

My feelings are that I was deeply hurt. He is like a father to me & I love him dearly. I had such high regard for him & his strength in the gospel. I feel sad for him, ashamed, disgusted, and angry although I do have deep compassion and love for him. I want to help him in any way I can, but I doubt he will let me or come to me at all. I don’t want our close open relationship to be awkward & tarnished. I want what we had to stay the same, but I’m afraid it is already gone. Time may ease the pain I feel & it may ease the awkwardness of us both knowing what we & having it always in the back of our minds.

So I guess my questions would be:

1) Should I keep the subject alive every now & then to check on him & see how he’s doing? (at the end of our conversation he did state that he would keep me posted on his progress & that he was glad to have someone else he could discuss this with other than the support group counselors)

2) Should I give him church related material that I think may be helpful or encouraging?

3) Should I keep expressing my love & support for his progress?

4) OR – should I just let him bring up the subject when he feels comfortable & not mention it ever again?

Any thoughts, advice or opinions are welcome!! Thank you so much!

[Stampede]

Originally Posted by ignoranceWASbliss

I walked in on my Father-in-law on a porn site. When I walked in the room he jumped & closed his laptop. I played it off like I didn’t see it, although I was freaking out inside. This man is a VERY prominent member of the stake & our community. He is a high counselman & former bishop at our ward & others. I’ve been married to his son for 3 yrs & have known him for about 11 yrs. He has always been one of the highest people on my list as far as who I admired spiritually & otherwise, so this was a HUGE shock & punch in the gut to me.

The thing is, we are pretty close. I have gone to him for advice & counsel before my own bishop or father. So I decided to talk to him about it, to tell him that I did see what he was doing. The reason for that being to reach out to him to help him get through this. I prayed about it & felt like it was the right thing to do. So I did the very next day after catching him. He was of course completely embarrassed. I tried to make him feel comfortable by telling him I wasn’t judging him, that I wouldn’t share this with absolutely anyone, that he shouldn’t feel bad because it is so common, etc. He’s 58 yrs old & told me this habit was only about 6 months old. I honestly don’t believe that for a minute. I don’t think indiscretions like this happen out of the blue. He said he was getting counseling for it with a stake support group, which I do know does exist. He has yet to talk to his wife or the bishop about it. I feel that he should have already done these things & expressed that it should be done. I also expressed that I was concerned about his calling & his reputation. He knows he will be let go from his high counsel calling eventually. I feel he should gracefully step down now before any of that is forced upon him. I don’t feel it right in the sight of God to be in such a leadership role with such demons that he is fighting, let alone taking the sacrament. I’m not sure if I believe he is as ok as he says he is. He says he’s been going to the support group for 2 months out of the 6. I’m just shocked & confused about this entire thing and I have no one to talk to because everyone that I would confide in knows him, by best friend, my family, the bishop or stake president. Even the church members I know out of state know him because they served missions here. I have absolutely no one but the Lord on this one, which is new for me. I always ask someone’s opinion.

My feelings are that I was deeply hurt. He is like a father to me & I love him dearly. I had such high regard for him & his strength in the gospel. I feel sad for him, ashamed, disgusted, and angry although I do have deep compassion and love for him. I want to help him in any way I can, but I doubt he will let me or come to me at all. I don’t want our close open relationship to be awkward & tarnished. I want what we had to stay the same, but I’m afraid it is already gone. Time may ease the pain I feel & it may ease the awkwardness of us both knowing what we & having it always in the back of our minds.

So I guess my questions would be:

1) Should I keep the subject alive every now & then to check on him & see how he’s doing? (at the end of our conversation he did state that he would keep me posted on his progress & that he was glad to have someone else he could discuss this with other than the support group counselors)

2) Should I give him church related material that I think may be helpful or encouraging?

3) Should I keep expressing my love & support for his progress?

4) OR – should I just let him bring up the subject when he feels comfortable & not mention it ever again?

Any thoughts, advice or opinions are welcome!! Thank you so much!

It;s not anyone's place to start people on the repentance process. That is the bishop's Duty. This man needs to talk to his own bishop. and If youa re both in the same ward i would definitely bring it up to the Bishop and let him take it from there. Whatever the bishop decides to do with it is up to him.

[tubaloth]

Wow.

1) Should I keep the subject alive every now & then to check on him & see how he’s doing? (at the end of our conversation he did state that he would keep me posted on his progress & that he was glad to have someone else he could discuss this with other than the support group counselors)

Yes. Offer support. Let him know that you are there and are willing to help him, because you don’t want him to go down this path.

2) Should I give him church related material that I think may be helpful or encouraging?

You can bring this up, but this is something he should be seeking out himself. You can offer that You can get some material to help him, if he seems receptive then go for it. If not, not push it. He well have to change on his own time, and pushing things two quickly can hurt the relationship with him, and also get him frustrated with the process.

3) Should I keep expressing my love & support for his progress?

I think you probably well already do this, So the answer is yes.

4) OR – should I just let him bring up the subject when he feels comfortable & not mention it ever again?

I wouldn’t bring it up EVERY time you see him. But bring it up now and then to get an update on his progress, see if he needs help, what can you offer. Let him pick the timeline, let you do what you can when he lets you.



1. He needs to get a blocker installed on his computer. It actually would be best if YOU install on it for him.
http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

This is free. It works really well. I have it installed on my computer. It is password protected, so you need to set up a password. Something he won’t every figure out (1nephi37 is to easy)

2. He does need to talk to his priesthood leader sooner then later. This is what you need to get (encourage) him to do. Admitting you have a problem is the hardest step!

3. I don’t know what his home page is for his Web Browser but you need to change it to lds.org, could put a temple picture as his wallpaper. (You can see my profile for a couple of pictures).

[xXTekXx]

Were I in your position, I'd encourage him to discuss it with his wife, better she hears about the issue from him, than some one else. From there they could go to the bishop together. You did the right thing by talking to him, I admire your courage.

[prisonchaplain]

Kudos for your compassion and concern. I would not go to anyone he has not talked to about this. You did right to bring it out in the open and ask. Eventually, he will have to tell his wife.

My movement has a rehabilitation process for leaders who succumb to any type of sexual sin, including pornography. The minimum removal time from leadership is one year, and it can extend up to two years. Intensive counseling, accountability, and brutal honesty with self, spouse, and church authorities is essential. But...all this must come from the one who has fallen. For every leader rehabilitated, there is one who refuses it, and simply resigns, and another who starts, but does not complete the effort.

This is a tough and sad situation. I'm sure your FIL appreciates your fervent prayers, as well.

[Moksha]

So I guess my questions would be:

1) Should I keep the subject alive every now & then to check on him & see how he’s doing? (at the end of our conversation he did state that he would keep me posted on his progress & that he was glad to have someone else he could discuss this with other than the support group counselors)

This has the potential to break up his family and drive him from the Church, so a good question should be, "how naughty do I feel"?

Discretion would be wise in this case.

[Kirajo]

" I tried to make him feel comfortable by telling him I wasn’t judging him, that I wouldn’t share this with absolutely anyone"

Woops, I think you just told thousands of people. Oh boy, I can't imagine how awkward that must have been. Good job for dealing with it so well though!

[Misshalfway]

I am not sure your involvement is helpful at this point. Jumping in to help an addict is admirable, but must be done without taking on improper responsibility. The truth is you walked in on his personal business. Involving yourself any further feels like a violation of boundaries to me. Isn't it so easy to list all the things he "should or shouldn't " do? But IMHO, it is not for you to say or decide or time. It sounds like he is seeking help to some degree. It is not for you to know about his recovery process or what stage he may have been at when you caught him. Catching him IMO is a helpful thing in and of itself. It perhaps was a good reminder that his behavior isn't hidden anymore. You see, you have already been helpful. Talking to him was good but should be as far as you go in involving yourself. I would not mention it again or feel any responsibility to do so either. It is NOT your business to start someone on the road to repentance or recovery. Stampede was absolutely right.

I heard a lot of "addict speak" coming from him. He sounds like he does need help, but he is a grown man and should be allowed to deal with this in privacy and to own completely the responsibility. It is not for you to tell his wife. Maybe tell your H/his son. But then I would take your hands completely off. If he approaches you, listen and maybe conservatively encourage, but that is all. No monitoring or following up at all. It is not your place or your role. And I would not tell anyone else. Telling your H is your right, but beyond no. You could do so much damage to his recovery by involving yourself or sharing this information inappropriately.

Of course you can care for him and pray for him. But hand the matter to God and let it go. You can lean on Father and your H for support as you grieve the loss of who you thought this man was. Hopefully you will find peace in your heart concerning the matter itself, and concerning your need to take on responsibility for what has happened here.

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by ignoranceWASbliss

I walked in on my Father-in-law on a porn site. When I walked in the room he jumped & closed his laptop. I played it off like I didn’t see it, although I was freaking out inside. This man is a VERY prominent member of the stake & our community. He is a high counselman & former bishop at our ward & others. I’ve been married to his son for 3 yrs & have known him for about 11 yrs. He has always been one of the highest people on my list as far as who I admired spiritually & otherwise, so this was a HUGE shock & punch in the gut to me.

The thing is, we are pretty close. I have gone to him for advice & counsel before my own bishop or father. So I decided to talk to him about it, to tell him that I did see what he was doing. The reason for that being to reach out to him to help him get through this. I prayed about it & felt like it was the right thing to do. So I did the very next day after catching him. He was of course completely embarrassed. I tried to make him feel comfortable by telling him I wasn’t judging him, that I wouldn’t share this with absolutely anyone, that he shouldn’t feel bad because it is so common, etc. He’s 58 yrs old & told me this habit was only about 6 months old. I honestly don’t believe that for a minute. I don’t think indiscretions like this happen out of the blue. He said he was getting counseling for it with a stake support group, which I do know does exist. He has yet to talk to his wife or the bishop about it. I feel that he should have already done these things & expressed that it should be done. I also expressed that I was concerned about his calling & his reputation. He knows he will be let go from his high counsel calling eventually. I feel he should gracefully step down now before any of that is forced upon him. I don’t feel it right in the sight of God to be in such a leadership role with such demons that he is fighting, let alone taking the sacrament. I’m not sure if I believe he is as ok as he says he is. He says he’s been going to the support group for 2 months out of the 6. I’m just shocked & confused about this entire thing and I have no one to talk to because everyone that I would confide in knows him, by best friend, my family, the bishop or stake president. Even the church members I know out of state know him because they served missions here. I have absolutely no one but the Lord on this one, which is new for me. I always ask someone’s opinion.

My feelings are that I was deeply hurt. He is like a father to me & I love him dearly. I had such high regard for him & his strength in the gospel. I feel sad for him, ashamed, disgusted, and angry although I do have deep compassion and love for him. I want to help him in any way I can, but I doubt he will let me or come to me at all. I don’t want our close open relationship to be awkward & tarnished. I want what we had to stay the same, but I’m afraid it is already gone. Time may ease the pain I feel & it may ease the awkwardness of us both knowing what we & having it always in the back of our minds.

So I guess my questions would be:

1) Should I keep the subject alive every now & then to check on him & see how he’s doing? (at the end of our conversation he did state that he would keep me posted on his progress & that he was glad to have someone else he could discuss this with other than the support group counselors)

2) Should I give him church related material that I think may be helpful or encouraging?

3) Should I keep expressing my love & support for his progress?

4) OR – should I just let him bring up the subject when he feels comfortable & not mention it ever again?

Any thoughts, advice or opinions are welcome!! Thank you so much!

First, welcome to the forum. As others already stated, kudos in seeking advice before approaching your FIL.

At this time, I would offer this instead, what did the Spirit prompting tell you to do in this precarious situation?

[Islander]

This is quite painful for all involved, I imagine. It does have the potential to create a significant disturbance within the family.

If you told your husband it also complicates things because as a member of the priesthood he (your husband) is commanded to ensure that none take the sacrament or participate in the ordinances unworthily. Your husband should have a long but loving talk with his father to help him address this issue with priesthood authority and get on its way to recovery. If he was inactive, for example and distant from the church he could have hidden his addiction longer, perhaps, and trust me he wants to hide it.

It is a very difficult situation and my prayers go out to you.