Alcohol

[leigh23]

I grew up in a part member family. My husband is from a long line of Mormons. We recently graduated and are looking for jobs that would bring us close to one of our families. I desperately want to be close to my family, but there is one major obstacle that is standing in the way. Many of my family members including siblings, father, grandparents etc. drink alcohol. For the most part they are social drinkers, but they do like their drinks. My husband is adamant that when we have a house there will be no alcohol brought into our house. I am not sure that my family would accept that should we live near them and think that it would cause a rift between me and them. There is a distant relative in my family who years ago was Mormon for a little while and refused to let anyone drink alcohol in his house, his parents would drink it in their car in the driveway when they came over for dinner. My family (including the relative) now laughs at the story as ridiculous, but I'm not sure as to what they think is the more ridiculous part, the drinking in the car, or the refusal to let them bring it into the house. As it is now, my father will bring a six pack with him when he goes to my grandmothers house (a member) without any problems. My family would not expect us to buy it for them and have it on hand when they visit, but I am sure they would bring it with them. My husbands main point is that he does not want our future children to see alcohol being consumed and that it would send mixed messages. I argue that they will see it anyways when they visit grandpa and family and it is up to us to teach them about the choices we make in life. And there is no way that I am going to not let my children see my family because they drink, they are good people and just don't see anything wrong with drinking a little. After all we live on the east coast, its not like they will never be around it.

I guess my question is: what do other people do regarding alcohol when they have family members who are not members?

[jadams_4040]

Originally Posted by leigh23

I grew up in a part member family. My husband is from a long line of Mormons. We recently graduated and are looking for jobs that would bring us close to one of our families. I desperately want to be close to my family, but there is one major obstacle that is standing in the way. Many of my family members including siblings, father, grandparents etc. drink alcohol. For the most part they are social drinkers, but they do like their drinks. My husband is adamant that when we have a house there will be no alcohol brought into our house. I am not sure that my family would accept that should we live near them and think that it would cause a rift between me and them. There is a distant relative in my family who years ago was Mormon for a little while and refused to let anyone drink alcohol in his house, his parents would drink it in their car in the driveway when they came over for dinner. My family (including the relative) now laughs at the story as ridiculous, but I'm not sure as to what they think is the more ridiculous part, the drinking in the car, or the refusal to let them bring it into the house. As it is now, my father will bring a six pack with him when he goes to my grandmothers house (a member) without any problems. My family would not expect us to buy it for them and have it on hand when they visit, but I am sure they would bring it with them. My husbands main point is that he does not want our future children to see alcohol being consumed and that it would send mixed messages. I argue that they will see it anyways when they visit grandpa and family and it is up to us to teach them about the choices we make in life. And there is no way that I am going to not let my children see my family because they drink, they are good people and just don't see anything wrong with drinking a little. After all we live on the east coast, its not like they will never be around it.

I guess my question is: what do other people do regarding alcohol when they have family members who are not members?

Help your husband set the excample; maybe you cannot see it right now and maybe there will be many tribulations between now and when you do understand; but you must have faith that it "WILL" be worth it all the way. Someday you will see the wonderfull blessings and the lives that have been inspired because of you and your husbands insistance of no alcohol, {or cigarettes, drugs e.t.c} in your home. it is sssooo very important to set an excample.

[mightynancy]

When one of my brothers visits, he smokes outside. When we visit the other brother who also smokes, he just stands downwind. The third brother doesn't smoke, hurrah!

The greater issue for us was teaching our children to be polite about it. I think because the WoW is such a black-and-white rule, and one that's easy for kids to grasp, children tend to get carried away with zeal about it. I guess that goes for some adults, too. I talked to my kids about addictions, agency, and family love. In spite of seeing their much-beloved uncles smoke, neither of them has taken up tobacco.

That said, no notable alteration of behavior/personality comes from smoking, while someone using alcohol may be offputting to a reserved child. In your shoes, I'd lovingly ask my family to be very sparing when in my home. Only if they distress my kids would I demand a ban.

I do wonder, though, if your family members are just "social drinkers," why would there be such a need as to drink in the car before coming in to eat? They're either addicted or terribly immature.

[utcowboy]

I think this goes along with another thread that talks about respect and honoring ones home. I smoked and drank during the 20 yrs that I was away from the church but I had enough respect for my parents home that I didn't do either when I was there. If I had to have a smoke I'd take a walk or drive, go see some friends, whatever. I never even thought to bring alcohol to their house (after I grew up and realized I didn't know everything lol ).
I think that your family should respect your wishes at your house. Family gatherings at parks, pools, etc. are fair game but I would think that they would know enough about respect to keep it out of the hands of children. (tho there are always one or two uncles that think its funny when a kid get a hold of an almost empty bottle.)

[leigh23]

Thanks for the input everyone!
Those were distant relatives who drank in the cars, I don't think my immediate family (basically my father and siblings) would bring alcohol if we asked them not to, I just am worried that it would cause tension between me and them and I am not sure I am ready to deal with it.

Also my brother who was married in the temple is also in the market for a house near my family. He and his wife are ok with my family bringing alcohol, they won't supply it but they will allow it to be brought in. I think it just makes it harder for me to stand against it.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

One thing I would suggest, is to come to an understanding that your husband IS your family. All of your brothers and sisters and whatnot are your parent's family.

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

It's a bigger thing than you might think.

LM

[Jason76]

I don't think it's ridiculous at all to not allow alcohol in your home. It's your home, your rules. My wife's dad's side of the family all like their wine and drink it whenever we get together. The get-togethers are never in our home though, because they all know they can't drink here, so they don't bother asking us to host.

If the family is offended by your decision not to allow alcohol in your home, that's really their problem, not yours. Alcohol drives the Spirit away, and is a few hours with your family really worth not having the Spirit? What else could happen when the Spirit isn't there?

You and your husband need to agree one way or another. My personal belief is that I will not sacrifice my standards ever, no matter the occasion. Family is not exempt.

[deydream]

Being consistant is important. Let your family know from the begining that you do not want alcohol in your home. It may be difficult at first, but they will respect you in the end, and it will be worth it. You and your family will be blessed by being good examples. Don't worry if your brother does things differently, that is between him and his wife, and this is between you and your husband and the Lord.

Also think about how this could affect children, whether or not there are children now. Children are very impressionable by what they see. They notice more than you think.

[fish4kitty]

My Dad was never a member of our Church but he never allowed drinks or smokes on his property. There was no question as to what was allowed. His house his rules. He also was not afraid of standing up for what he thought was the right thing to do. Again his house his rules. If there was a question about right and wrong in his house he'd definitely set you straight. I'm sure many feelings were hurt in the beginning but you didn't have to question him a second time. If your hubby says no go it should be no go. He's the one who will have to answer for it on the other side. 2 cents

[prisonchaplain]

This is such a heartbreaking situation. My church is culturally in line with abstinence, and we practice it in our homes. However, when a family member, a non-member, drinks...especially an elder...it's tough. The counsel to stand firm is easy to give, and perhaps right. But... my heart goes out to you.

Regardless of the alcohol, there will be spiritual tension. Accept that, and be as loving as you can. Lovingly tell your drinking family members that you respect them, have no desire to interfere with their drinking, but that you are raising your children not to drink, and hope they will respect your desire not to expose them to a drinking environment, and so do not want alcohol in your home.

This is painful stuff...I wish you well.