Suspicions A Family Member Is Gay

[superkid]

I have a brother-in-law who recently returned from a mission and I have some suspicions about his sexual preferences.

Before his mission I found evidence on my in-laws computer of not only porn but gay porn. My BIL is sort of the favorite (as the only son) and my wife's family basically just ignored the whole thing. I told my wife there was porn but I don't think I mentioned that there was also gay porn. So I let it drop and it never came up again. His freshman year at BYU, his best friend from high school comes out of the closet but my BIL is getting ready for a mission and decides he doesn't want to have anything to do with the guy now. I think, "hmmm, maybe I was too quick to assume," and don't give it another thought.

I'll describe my brother-in-law. He's very into music, acting, and pop-culture. He's basically an ameteur paparazzi. His mannerisms would be interpreted by many as "gay". He is not at all into sports but does go to BYU f-ball games for the social aspect I assume. Whenever anyone asks him about girls he gets annoyed and acts as if every girl anyone has ever asked him about is totally nasty - many are faaaaar from nasty.

Anyway, he just moved into an off-campus apartment to start fall semester at BYU and wanted me to come over to help him configure the Internet. While I was doing stuff with his laptop I noticed a search entry in the Google dropdown. It had the name of an ex-MTV VG (male) and the word naked. The entry was Simon Rex naked. He was there so I didn't look into anything else. I did some research at home and aparently this VG once appeared in some gay porn.

Now I've been trying to decide what to do. Should I find a time to check his computer for more evidence? Tell my wife what I found in the first place? Let it go cause it's none of my business? Write a letter to his bishop?

This situation is just eating at me and has put me in a hard place. My wife doesn't like it if I even mention his name and the word gay at all, let alone place accusations. Although if I did mention to her I found something she would take me seriously. This would totally tear my in-laws apart though.

ANY advice is appreciated.

[Franken]

Let him make his own decisions, he is an adult, and has been on a mission, he can fix his own life. If there is anything you want to do about it, the most I'd say to do, is to directly confront him about it, see if he wants your help at all, and if not, don't bother with it anymore. Anything you do after that is just going to make his and your life more stressful. Just be careful that's all.

[kroboz]

As hard as it'll be, you can't really do anything except encourage him to make right choices. Don't talk to him about the porn or even homosexuality. It'll be awkward and make things a lot harder for you, him, and those around you. Just be a good friend and again, encourage him to make good decisions. Also, don't snoop his computer anymore. It's not your place, and it'll make your life harder if you do.

I know that when my friends are having problems (not the same as your's) I just have to be there for them and help them along. If I pry, I'll drive them away, and since this guy's practically your family, you can't afford that,

[superkid]

I definately don't think I should even mention anything to him because it would be awkward and I'm not close enough with him to do that. I never intentionally went looking for anything but since I'm the computer guy of the family people are always asking me for help. My biggest concern is that my wife and I have a toddler who my brother-in-law is very fond of. Knowing what I know makes it very hard for me to trust him if he's ever alone with our son as he gets older.

[kroboz]

Knowing what I know makes it very hard for me to trust him if he's ever alone with our son as he gets older.

A common misconception about gays is that they are all sexual deviants and perverts.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I promote homosexuality.

But we, as Christians, need to remember that they are still people, and that we have to love them and be good to them.

As far as your son goes, find out if your BiL has been molested or sexually abused. If he hasn't, there probably won't be a problem. Unless he is looking at child porn, I wouldn't worry about it. Again, gays are people and are still as disgusted as the rest of us by child abuse.

Pray about it too. Talk to your bishop for council.

[superkid]

You can call it a misconception all you want but if there is already one sexual perversion there (yes homosexuality is a sexual perversion), how am I to know there aren't more? One can definately lead to the other also.

How am I supposed to go about finding out if he was molested or abused? Nice day isn't it, oh by the way, were you ever molested because I have a sneaking suspicion that you're gay and I'm afraid you might like young boys too?

It's just not something I want to try to find out because it would be offensive to him and he'd deny it anyway I'm sure.

[kroboz]

You can call it a misconception all you want but if there is already one sexual perversion there (yes homosexuality is a sexual perversion), how am I to know there aren't more? One can definately lead to the other also.

It's different than molestation. Gays don't go around gaying up other people. Molesters do go around molesting others, though.

I understand it's hard to see the difference. I'm in LA, and I had a gay teacher my senior year of HS that really taught me a lot. It's kind of like crime: Theft and murder are different, but still crimes. Being gay isn't the right way to go, but just because you are gay you aren't going to go around molesting.

As to finding out if he had been molested, ask your wife (who I'm assuming is his sister.) She should know.

[helgaboy]

You are putting your nose where it does not belong. You need to let your bro in law live his own life (he hasn't gone snooping into your personel effects has he?) and the fact that you do not trust him with your babay boy cause you suspect he is gay??? does this mean if he is straight you will not trust him with a baby daughter???? To me you sound far to judgemental about something that is still a BIG maybe. And with his reaction to girls I have that same reaction to perfectly attractive girls for the simple fact of personality clashes. I have a girl that my family still thinks I should marry but I will not due to personality conflict. Perhaps you should tell him what you saw on his computer then he can know to go to someone else for help in the future.

[Dravin]

His freshman year at BYU, his best friend from high school comes out of the closet

I'd like to point out that in context with the rest of the post this is pretty much irrelevant.

He's very into music, acting, and pop-culture. He's basically an ameteur paparazzi. His mannerisms would be interpreted by many as "gay". He is not at all into sports but does go to BYU f-ball games for the social aspect I assume

Being effeminate(what most people classify as gay mannerisms and the like) is not significantly correlated to homosexuality.

The pornography is the more reliable indicator of the things mentioned in your post.

Now I've been trying to decide what to do. Should I find a time to check his computer for more evidence? Tell my wife what I found in the first place? Let it go cause it's none of my business? Write a letter to his bishop?

Not really your buisness.

My biggest concern is that my wife and I have a toddler who my brother-in-law is very fond of. Knowing what I know makes it very hard for me to trust him if he's ever alone with our son as he gets older.

Most pedophiles are heterosexual IIRC (I'll do some research and get back with you), if I was you I wouldn't worry unless you are afraid he's gonna come out in force at some point and teach your son things you don't want him taught.

You can call it a misconception all you want but if there is already one sexual perversion there (yes homosexuality is a sexual perversion), how am I to know there aren't more? One can definately lead to the other also.

This is a slippery slope fallacy, this however has already been addressed by somebody other than me, you are being silly.

[superkid]

Holy crap, is this an LDS forum? Yes, homosexuality IS a sexual perversion. It would be ludicrous as a member to think it otherwise.

No, I didn't "snoop", I haven't gone looking for any trouble - it found me.

My concern is valid because how am I supposed to know that he isn't into child pornography? I've seen evidence of pornography on his computer and I know that people tend to look at more and more vile porn as time goes on - just like a drug.

I am definately stereotyping when it comes to the way my BIL acts as a correlation with the possibility of his being gay. How can I not. Most people do the same and it's usually a strong indicator, hense it's called a stereotype. Stereotypes are based on truth.