Afraid to go to church

[tefor]

I've had a problem for many, many years. It involves going to church and feeling like I don't belong. It's gotten to the point where I can't bring myself to go any more. I walk into a room where there are people, or else people start going into a room where I am, and I feel like all the air is being sucked out of me. Not only the air, but my personality and my very soul. It's almost like I don't even exist, I feel so overpowered by everybody. I freeze so that I can't look at anybody or even manage a "Hello" to them. I feel entirely isolated and cut off from them, and I don't feel like I have a single friend in the ward. It's been like this in every ward I've lived in.

I can hardly bring myself to say my prayers either. How could I think that God, who is perfect, loves me when nobody else can? I look at all of the people at church and see that I have nothing to offer anybody. I'm not very smart, I really don't have any talents, and I have nothing in common with anybody. I don't play sports, so I don't fit in with the guys, but I don't fit in with the sisters either. I'm dealing with the double whammy of autism (Asperger's Syndrome) and PTSD from childhood abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual). We also have autistic twins, which has led to uncomfortable confrontations with ward members and bishops, as well as some anonymous letters from people complaining that our kids are ruining church for them with their noise. I feel like we are a burden on the ward and shouldn't even be there. I'm on the verge of leaving the church--not because I don't believe in it, but simply because I don't know if there will ever be a place for me in a church where I don't measure up to the ideal LDS image.

Sorry for going on so long, but I just needed to vent.

[MorningStar]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Do you have similar problems in other social situations? My sister-in-law has panic attacks when she tries to go to church, but it's like that with work too. She feels extra pressure at church because that's where she expects to find a husband.

[Gwen]

i wish i had something that would help, i can hear the frustration. keep raising your kids the best you know how. do your wife and kids feel the same about church?

[hordak]

My mother used to go to church in sweaters covered in sequins and snow boots. She too didn't "fit in" and got some strange looks but she was the most Christ like person i have ever known.
Remember who you go to church for, and it isn't the peanut gallery.

[Truegrits]

I don't measure up to the ideal LDS image.

I'm not sure what the "IDEAL" LDS image is, but I'm sure I fall short also. All of us do, for we are not perfect. We are all striving, learning, and making mistakes along the way.

I freeze so that I can't look at anybody or even manage a "Hello" to them. I feel entirely isolated and cut off from them, and I don't feel like I have a single friend in the ward.

Are you a shy person? Do you feel this way everywhere, or just when you are in Church?

How could I think that God, who is perfect, loves me when nobody else can?

That is exactly WHY He can love us, all of us, because He IS perfect.

I feel like we are a burden on the ward and shouldn't even be there.

I am so sorry if the members of the Ward have made you feel that way. But you should be there. It is Heavenly Fathers house, and He surely wants you there. Have you spoken with your Bishop about your feelings/concerns? He may have some suggestions that would help you to feel more welcome...as if you and your family belonged.

[Hemidakota]

It seems Truegrit provided the right response....

Hordak, I concur. [Remember who you go to church for, and it isn't the peanut gallery.]

[Misshalfway]

Well Tefor, You are not alone in feeling the pressure of the LDS ideal. I grew up in mormon central and felt the pressure since I was small. I have always felt that such pressures were the traditions and well meaning misdirections of the Children of men. I hated the conventions of the generations before me and bucked against all of them....and all the while savoring the truths I loved in the gospel and the scriptures.

I also grew up believing that God couldn't possibly love me. The woundedness I felt from my childhood trauman clouded and interferred with my ability to feel the love of Father. I want to dissect your statement....."How could I think that God, who is perfect, loves me when nobody else can?" Well, you my friend are believing lies. Isn't that good news??? Since when do imperfect and selfish and rebellious children of men get to be the measuring stick for the Love of God the Father????? And if God is perfect, what kind of perfect do you believe he is?? Perfect in scorn, exclusion, judgementalness, hatred???? NO! He is perfect in kindness, and gentleness, and meekness, and fairness. His tender mercies are infinite! Look at that word...tender... now, isn't that a soft place to fall???? He is your Father. He loves you more that you love your kids! That word "perfect" is a word I have had to redefine in the depths of my thinking because I thought it meant becoming the image of the ideal mormorn. Now I know differently. The image of the ideal mormon is a lie and fabrication and a flattering of Satan. So I prefer to call Satan's bluff on this one and commit myself to see truth about what makes me good and what makes everybody else good too.


I have moved a lot and been in lots of different wards. Some were soft places to fall. Others struggled with love and inclusion. It sounds like perhaps you are facing some of those insecurities and weaknesses of the people around you. And if you are struggling with PTSD, the perception in your mind may be exaggerated or maybe you are exactly right and this group doesn't deal well with those who are different.

So, what can you do. Well, I think a good conversation with the bishop would help. Tell him your needs. I think this ward needs an education about Autism and what it means. I think you need to prayfully work together to make sure that your HTers can also be an opportunity for friendship. I think that even some members could get involved in coming to your home to help with the autistic schedule you must follow.

There shouldn't be any place in our churches that don't welcome every single soul and whatever circumstances they bring with them. I have autism in my family too. And it is a struggle to deal with adverse reactions from people. I think though, that the more exposure people get to different/difficult circumstances, the better and more relaxed they become over time. And then you can learn ways to deal with it too. You see, this unloving response from people is a lot like autism. They don't react the loving way we think they should, just like your children don't always follow social norms. Perhaps you can look at their weakness the same way you hope they will look at yours -- with compassion and understanding and patience. If they could do better, they would. It is a reflection of who they are -- NOT who you are! OK? And perhaps you and your sweet family are just the salt they need to restore their savor!

Belonging at church is a choice. You know, people at church "act" a certain way. It is human nature. But some of them are just as afraid as you are only they use the persona to hide behind instead of staying home. You can love yourself and your experiences and your weakness. None of those things can touch your goodness and your valueableness and your potential for blessing the lives of the people who meet you! God loves you and values you deeply and broadly. YOu can love yourself deeply and broadly. You have gifts that not many of us have!!!! And so what if you have a deficit or too. Which one of us doesn't?? Everybody has a handicap. Some are just more visable than others.

My invitation for you is go to church.....but when you go think about the whole experience differently than you now do. Your thoughts now trigger fear. So anything that triggers fear isn't allowed to stay on your brain. Spit it out of your brain just like you would rotten food. Go for different reasons as well. First off, we go for the sacrament. So go just to get that.....even if you leave right after. Then start small. Make one friend. Just one. And if you don't have one.....make yourself your best friend. It is an awesome thing. When we are our own best friends we are NEVER alone!

You and your family are in my prayers. I have come to believe that my autistic relatives are super heros in disguise! Be well, Tefor. Be well in your heart and with Father and within your circumstances. Remember......God CAN move mountains! All kinds of mountains. And he can turn water to wine and death into life. He can change the landscape of your circumstance and the hearts of the people you know. Hand these problems to HIM and have faith.....and then wait to see the hand of the Lord to be revealed.

[Hemidakota]

My last councilor had a special daughter who had Autism. There family in his local ward was welcome by all.

[Jbs2763]

my adopted lil' bro and my nephew, as well as a couple other kids in my family branch have deveopmental issues, no one seems to be offended by them, and thier primary teachers have great patience....

[HEthePrimate]

Tefor, I'm really sorry it's so difficult for you.

I can hardly bring myself to say my prayers either. How could I think that God, who is perfect, loves me when nobody else can?

It's precisely because God is perfect that you can trust that he loves you. God loves you no matter what, and is happy to hear from you any time, whether you are struggling or things are going well.

I don't know if there will ever be a place for me in a church where I don't measure up to the ideal LDS image.

You hit the nail on the head, there. The "ideal LDS image" is just that, an image. The other people at Church don't measure up, either, it just looks like it to us. I have a friend at church who has four kids, and I remarked to him once how quiet they are. He told me that they are relatively quiet at church, but at home they're a lot noisier (which is ok--that's what kids do). I've talked to other people who, from what I see at church, look like they have perfect lives, but really have serious problems that I otherwise wouldn't have known about had I not gotten to know them.

Hang in there, my friend. Whether you choose to continue going to church or not, please do keep praying--God really does love you.

HEP