Is it too late?

[Liesl]

I've been married for 12yrs now. My husband and I have slowly drifted apart to the point where we live past each other. He has tons of interests and hobbies which have been and sometimes still is over passionate about.... For yrs I have begged and fought for time, help, recognision as more than the maid and for him just be apart of us. Over time I have slowly but surely given up fighting for it all including for us. I have become a 'married, single mom'.
Without getting into details, there are things that have happened that have cause major damage to us as husband and wife as well as on personal levels. Now after alot of heartache I almost walked out and seriously considered divorce, which scared him to the point of panick and major wake up to our situation. He is trying to make a change and I see it and recognise it. My problem is that, I'm so used to doing it all on my own that those changes make no difference to my feels anymore. Now, I don't want what I once fought for, almost like I've given up and just going through the motions.... I've been so numb for so long, I don't know how to feel again. We did separate for a couple of wks and coped better with him gone and less stressed. It seems like I've 'fallen out of love' with him, and I don't know if I can get those feelings back again, I don't know how and I'm not even sure if I want to anymore. What if these changes are too late? I know the saying that it's never too late, but something big has died inside. I don't know what to do anymore.

[StrawberryFields]

Could it be that you are just numb to those feelings. You might consider taking a little vacation with your hubby see if you can remember why you married him in the first place.

I think we sometimes just take each other for granted and the grass is not greener on the other side. Many people I have spoken to about their divorce have thought that they made a mistake a few years later.

Pray for the answers you need.

[ruthiechan]

Divorce is NOT easy. My husband and I were separated for two years. It sucked. You no longer have the financial backing of his job and you have to work your arse off and give your kids off to someone else while you work.

However, we did manage to get back together. So yes, there is hope. There is always hope.

I recommend prayer. That was the major thing that saved my marriage. I prayed every day, and constantly to know what to do for my family and whatever it was I did it. Do the same and I promise you will be answered.

While doing this also read the scriptures. Sometimes God will answer my prayers through scripture.

[MorningStar]

I like Strawberry's suggestion. I say give it more time and let him try to prove himself.

[hethathathears]

I would recommend going to a Family Life Marriage conference. They are offered all over the country at different times and cost about $300.00 dollars for 2 people with a money back guarantee. They are usually held in nice hotels or resorts that cost extra. There have been a lot of doomed marriages that have gone there and were revived through the experience. You are given work books and two sets of excellent motivational speakers that speak on a host of topics such as communication, forgiveness in marriage, and even romance. We also tend to bond with others couples through the experience. It starts on Friday night, all of Saturday, and then ends on Sunday. I think there is a web site with various testimonials.

I took my wife there about a year ago, not so much that our marriage was on the rocks, but because I truly love my wife after 23 years and have decided to keep her. No seriously, we went as a romantic experience and found that it strengthened our marriage. We met a lot of great people and look forward to going back again. A good marriage is worth fighting for.

Divorce is the easy way, however, it majorly effects the kids and in the end destroys lives.

[Palerider]

we just had some friends of ours get a divorce....they were married for 26yrs and they said they grew apart.....

[RainofGold]

My husband and I had similar problems. I wanted a divorce, he didn't. We found a wonderful lds marriage counselor that helped us both get back together. I can tell you that I was convinced that I had no more feelings for him and wanted out. Thinking that my life would be so much better and easier. I resented my husband for many things and couldn't bring myself to forgive him and love him like I used to.
He did promise to change just like your husband is telling you, and he did. He is not the same man that brought all those bad feelings and I'm glad I stayed. We have being married for 18 years now and couldn't be happier.
So don't give him a second chance because he probably doesn't deserved it. Give yourself another chance you have nothing to loose and a lot to gain.
Good Luck

[pam]

Originally Posted by fent

I've heard it said that couples who decide to stick it out tend to end up stronger than ever in a few years. This assumes of course that they are both willing to work at it through the tough times, and there isn't abuse involved.

Why did you get married to him?

That is the key. They BOTH have to want to work at it. Won't work any other way.

[Liesl]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I know divorce is'nt easy, that's why I've stayed when I had good reason to leave. We are going to councilling, in fact we've got an appointment this afternoon. I did decide to give this at least another 6 months to see if we can make this work. I'm supposed to tell him what it is I want from him and for the life of me I can't think of anything.... Like I said, what I once fought for I no longer want... I don't even want intimacy anymore, which is a BIG problem.
Unfortunately I live in a country that does'nt run marriage courses so that is'nt an option, and I've had alot of ppl tell me I need to get out. I've never been a quitter, but this time I've hit rock bottom.
As for why I married him... I knew it was the right choice, he was totally different... we worked in the temple tog and the gosple and I mattered to him. That's what I cling to, but reality is that it's not anymore.

[WANDERER]

My married friends tell me the grass is always greener...they don't get it. From there it looks green. The grass isn't even green...there is NO grass. Very Seinfield of me to say so...but it is like it is. It's okay...but it's not the same thing... living alone and all that. Singledom doesn't change the problems in life and make them any more solveable, they don't get less complex...same problems but not much hope of any more than one person dealing with them.

Sorry, that is a dating reality for most. Not everyone...but a lot. Put kids into the equation and things get even more complex.

My friends tell me they would like to have personal time...to pursue their dreams...like sure...Mr Amazing or even Mr Anyone is a part of every single girl's life...and not having to deal with shared choices is not the freedom one thinks it is...and if you're not pursuing that dream now to any small extent how likely is it that you'll invest in it in the future..and so on. Okay, no arguments. Yes, I understand the heartbreak of infidelity and abuse and whatever that leads people to walk away from marriages...and the deadening of the heart....but I won't tell you that it's rosey on the other side of things...any more than it's rosey working out a marriage.

I'm amused by the idea that it's that much easier to cook or wash dishes for one......what I mean to say...is that feeling like you're going through the motions is not unique to coupledom. That being said...no one should ever tolerate abuse...so that will have to get better. Don't jeopardise your safety, whatever you do.

I'd say if there is a chance..go for it. It's a risk...but what in life is not...either you both can or you can't...the can't is not that desirable. Yes, it's very peaceful. But a decade or two or three or four...roll on....is not for the faint hearted. Some do better at it than others.

If you are asking, perhaps there is more room for another chance?
And..any chance at all...is not quite nothing. From the other side of the fence, that's my perspective on things. It's a limited view...I'm not going through what you're going through....and you are the only person who knows this answer.