Should we take in a friend of mine?

[RachelleDrew]

A friend of mine is in serious trouble, and my husband and I are considering taking her in. Forgive me, this post is extremely long.

I have a close friend who is 25 and has four children. Her husband, has been physically abusing her for some time now. He's a severe alcoholic and drug addict, and also suffers from a mental disorder. I've tried to reason with her for the past year now, but she's so dependent on him financially that she feels she cannot leave. She married him only months after graduating high school, and started having children soon after. She has no secondary education, and is a stay at home mother. She has literally no work history. Her husband is fairly wealthy, and there has never been a reason for her to work. Most of her family has passed on, the ones who are alive are very far away.

All things considered, she has very few options. She always put up with the abuse she endured, which ranged from slaps to most recently a broken leg from being pushed off their front porch. I tried and tried to get her to leave, but she always used her lack of money and family support as an excuse. But recently he's started abusing their children. She's become very secretive of this, so I don't know how far it's gone. But I have witnessed one incident myself. About two months ago, I was at their house helping her paint a room. Long story short, the husband came home from a "meeting" tweaking out of his mind and smacked his four year old across the face with a paint stick for accidentally dribbling paint on the floor.

I reported him, and gave a statement that very same day. He was arrested, bailed out then the case never went anywhere. He forbid his wife from talking to me, which we obviously did anyway. Now yesterday she calls me and without divulging many details tells me that he's been hitting another child and she wants to leave.

As I said, she doesn't really have family to run to. I looked, and there aren't any women's shelters for hours and hour away. My husband and I talked about taking her and the kids in ourself, we've got the room. The issue is my husband is concerned with the safety of my son and I. He works all week and is a state away. Her husband knows where I live.

She can get a protective order, but as someone who grew up around police officers, I know that it doesn't mean squat. On top of everything, her oldest child is 15 and doesn't think his father is doing anything wrong. He refuses to leave.

We've been thinking about this, and i'm more inclined to take her in. My husband agrees with me, but has reservations since he cannot be around to help watch out.

On another note, she doesn't want to get a divorce. To be fair, he is not abusive when he isn't high or drunk. I understand her desire to work things out, but I told her that until he seeks and successfully completes treatment that she should stay away from him. They are very strict Catholics so divorce is simply not an option for her, no matter what the situation. I understand this, but right now that's just not important. What's important is keeping her and the kids safe.

Is it too dangerous for us to take her in? Are we meddling? I don't know how involved to get here, but as someone who has witnessed the child abuse I feel like i'm obligated to step in.

[BenRaines]

Sounds to me like a shelter hours and hours away is just what this lady needs. Unless you have a firearm and are prepared to use it on a drunk or tweeked out enraged husband I would not take her in to your house but would drive her all the way to the nearest shelter.

Ben Raines

[RachelleDrew]

Originally Posted by BenRaines

Sounds to me like a shelter hours and hours away is just what this lady needs. Unless you have a firearm and are prepared to use it on a drunk or tweeked out enraged husband I would not take her in to your house but would drive her all the way to the nearest shelter.

Ben Raines

That's kind of what I thought, but she doesn't think a shelter is safe for some reason? I don't know why she would think that, but a shelter was my first guess. I personally think that it's just because the closest one is so far away. She knows her son won't leave, and wants to be close to him. I don't think this is the smartest move personally, a shelter can provide a lot more safety than I can. But at this point i'll do anything just to get her out of there.


On another note, I most certainly can shoot a gun. Better than most people in fact. But that's not the point, I can't carry a gun in my pocket 24/7 while they are at our house. Especially not with children there.

[MorningStar]

I don't want to make you feel worse, but if she goes to a shelter, will he still suspect that she went to your house? I think you will still have to be very careful and tell your neighbors to please be on the look-out. Do you have a picture of him to show them?

[MorningStar]

An idea: She could leave a note saying she went to a shelter, naming a state far away and then go to your house. There's a good chance he'll believe it and leave your family alone. Will he really want to drive all the way there not knowing if she's there? She could even get a cell phone with an area code the same as where she says she's going and if she were to call him, he would see it on Caller ID and believe she's where she said she was going to be. Even better, she should press charges. My friend's husband was recently looking at three years for abusing her - one year for each incident that was documented.

[Honor]

While wanting to take her in is a very generous and loving gesture, I'd hope that it's the means to an end, not just an open ended rescue. While you are sympathetic to her situation, something like this could have a huge impact on your life for years to come , be it a situation with her husband, or having her and her children as a permanent fixture in your home longer than you'd like. If you decide to do this, I’d first lay out what you will be ok with and explain to her exactly what you're offering. Personally I'm the type of person that finds it really hard to be blunt, and I spare others feelings above my own, but in the long run it could have saved me a lot of trouble and a few friendships. Whatever you do, I hope it's in the best interest of your family as well as helping your friend. Good luck! You're a great friend for wanting to help her.

[Truegrits]

On top of everything, her oldest child is 15 and doesn't think his father is doing anything wrong. He refuses to leave.

This child is going to need help/counseling. Having grown up in an abusive atmosphere, and seeing nothing wrong in his fathers behavior...it is another generation of (possible) abuse, unless the cycle is broken.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Originally Posted by RachelleDrew

I've tried to reason with her for the past year now,

She always put up with the abuse she endured, which ranged from slaps to most recently a broken leg from being pushed off their front porch.

I tried and tried to get her to leave, but she always used her lack of money and family support as an excuse.

But recently he's started abusing their children. She's become very secretive of this, so I don't know how far it's gone. But I have witnessed one incident myself.

He was arrested, bailed out then the case never went anywhere. He forbid his wife from talking to me

yesterday she calls me and without divulging many details tells me that he's been hitting another child and she wants to leave.

On another note, she doesn't want to get a divorce.

Time for a harsh reality:
By permitting the abuse, she is as bad as he is. She is as much to blame for the abuse as the actual abuser.

Now, this is a harsh reality. What is the Christlike thing to do with such a state of affairs? Do whatever you can to protect the children. This is supposed to be the parent's job, but unfortunately, one parent is the abuser and the other parent is sitting there allowing it to happen. Does the wife have any family? Try to get them involved. If you hear something, report it. Help build a case.

There are no easy answers here - it's time to look for the answer that does the best at protecting the kids. IMO, that involves taking them away from both of their evildoer parents. This lady shouldn't get sympathy - she should get her children taken away and put into foster care until she is able to be their parent. She shouldn't be rescued, she should be jailed. Right now, she's just the lady who refuses to lock the door at night even though the house gets robbed once a week.

I can't press this home enough - she is part of the problem. She is as bad/sick/wrong/evil as he is. Pick whatever term you wish - if it applies to him, it applies to her as well.

LM

[ruthiechan]

I disagree LoudMouth. She had no issue putting up with abuse towards herself. She learned to be helpless, but now it's her kids, and now she's willing to leave, that makes her part of the solution.

The goal of CPS is to keep families together if at all possible.

If I had room, I would be inclined to take her in, however, I would only do so if directed to by the Spirit. Have you prayed about this? Morning Star's suggestion is a good one, though he may see her and the kids around the neighborhood.

I would talk to the police about it. I would get a restraining order, that way if he violates it BOOM jail time yo. I would get the neighbors involved. That way if something happens you'll have back up.

My daughter is five years old, she asked me what I was doing and why I'm making her wait for a minute. So I told her.

My daughter says, I think this man thinks that drugs are fun, we need to take the drugs away and he needs to go to the brain doctor and he needs to knock it off and repent. Bad Daddy, no biscuit.

EDIT: If she lives with you, and she goes to the police about all this with you, she can obtain court ordered rehab and psychiatry for him. You say he has mental problems, the drugs are his way of self-medicating.

[Misshalfway]

Wow LM. Your post is definitely harsh, but I am not sure in includes all of the reality. I do agree that this woman has responsibility; to herself and to her children and that for whatever reason is not embracing that responsibility right now.

I don't know how effective it is to force someone to leave when they don't want to. But it is so very difficult to stand by and watch something like this happen and not take steps. If I were stuck in that situation, I would hope someone would love me and my kids enough to help me see some sense AND some options.

I don't know off hand what the right thing to do is. But perhaps calling a shelter or reading on the subject might be helpful to obtain correct wisdom on which strategy to employ. It might be good to understand her state of mind and what things you could say to empower her.

I would be very cautious in bringing her to your home. The teenaged son alone gives me cause for concern. You don't know what this man will do and I would guess that the leaving would in and of itself be a huge disruption and trigger and something that could put you both in increased danger. These shelters understand these dynamics and will be able to protect her. She is giving you an excuse when she says they are not safe. She is most likely gripped with the fear of being on her own. I would think that she could obtain money from him thru legal means.

The most important thing is that she create a plan for leaving. And I think there are resources out there to guide such an effort.