Going back to a college I left?

[vegasbay]

Okay so this is a little bit of a saga...

Right out of high school, I did one year of community college to make my parents happy - at the time I didn't want to go to college in favor of pursuing a career training horses. While I was there I got a little more exposure to the veterinary medical field and began to explore that avenue. I also wanted to get some space from my parents. So I decided to attend a college where I could get a very good pre-vet education as well as a very good education in classical riding theory and modern competition so I could further pursue my goals of becoming an international-level eventer (google it - eventing). This college was Wilson College - I don't care if you look it up. So after a year at community college, applications, and much, much, much planning, I packed up my truck, put my horse in the trailer, and drove all the way from Oregon to Pennsylvania.

The first week was sheer bliss. I loved it all - the town, the people, the college of 700, the barns on campus, all the friends I was making...then out of nowhere, as I called home one day about a week after I had been there, I heard my dad's voice and I realized how much I missed him. The gravity of it sunk in - I was 3,000 miles from home and from everyone I knew. I only had my horse there with me and these people I'd known for so short a time. I got really homesick for about two weeks - I came close to leaving right then, but I chose to stick it out a semester and see how I felt about it then. Well, come October of that year I was not thrilled with the college and how much money I was spending there. I was not thrilled with the way the barns were caring for my horse, the education I was getting, and the fact that I was spending $17,000 a term there.

So I decided to transfer to Oregon State, where I could live at home and commute for $6,000 a year. I left Wilson in December and headed for home.

The only thing is I didn't realize how much I would miss it. Not only did I make some pretty darn good friends there, but I also fell in love with the area. These eight months that I've been home have felt like a limbo. I know that this is home, but I feel like I don't belong here. I've moved out, I spent time in Canada, I tried everything to make new friends, but the overwhelming feelings of loneliness are still here.

Now I don't know what to do - I hated Oregon State, I feel so lonely, and everyday I think about the life I had at Wilson. It's harder and harder for me to remember why I left. Yet things here seem to be going so well for me - I just got a fantastic job at a vet clinic, my horses live here at home with me where I control everything, one of the best vet schools in the country is only a half-hour away, I have a very good riding instructor, good horse shows in my area, a good Singles Branch...yet none of it seems to be what I want. I still feel like a piece of me is missing. The loneliness and the lack of friendship eat at my insides every waking minute.

A large part of me wants to go back, but it seems that I felt this same way when I was there, only longing for home. I feel like I let the fact that I was going home at the end of the term block me from overcoming that homesickness and really embracing the place. A part of me feels like I made a huge mistake in leaving.

But I'm afraid to go back - afraid that I'll just want to leave again, that I won't like it there. I'm afraid that I won't have the same friends when I go back...it's them I miss the most.

I could change some things about it - I didn't really like living in residence...I could get an apartment. I didn't like having my horse at the school stables...I could keep her somewhere else. The education, well I didn't exactly put in my best effort - you reap what you sow.

Could I actually do it? Tell my parents again that I want to move far away for a third time, that this time will be different, that I won't fail, I won't want to come home. Could I ask them to sacrifice for me again what they have already done so many times before? I'm 20 years old...will I ever be able to leave home?

Is this what I'm supposed to do? Where can I find the answers?

[WANDERER]

Home: the place you love to miss and miss to love.

I wish I could help you out...but there's pros and cons to everything. If you are worried about never leaving home...what stops you from staying where you are and flatting out...close to home...but still having home? Just a thought.

[Truegrits]

Hi, vegasbaby; it seems there are a lot of advantages to staying where you are. It seems the thing you are missing most, is friends. Are you going places, doing things that would lead you to making new ones? Why not give it more time, seeing as you have a "fantastic job" and so many positive things in your life at this point.
Remember to take your problems/concerns to Heavenly Father.

Good luck in whatever your decision is...

[rameumptom]

I think the solution is to decide what you wish to do with life and follow that course. The reality of life is we always give up something when we pursue something. The person who pursues an Olympic gold medal must give up dating, friends, and lots of personal time. The person who seeks a specialized field, must go to where that field is available.
You have to realize that you do not have to live forever away from your family, unless you choose to do so. Select a course, and stay on it until you fulfill it. If your course is 3000 miles from family, then suck it up, and go to school. You can visit your family during Christmas break, and when school is completed.
I spent 20 years in the Air Force, which meant deciding to live over half my life away from my family. I missed them, and sometimes wonder what life would now be like had I chosen a path that would have kept me near them. But I don't look back, as I cannot change past decisions. Instead, I select new courses and follow them to where they lead me. At times, that has included being a parent. The time will come when all my kids will be grown up, and then it will allow me to choose other directions: such as a mission for my spouse and me.

Don't be afraid of a little home-sickness, if that is the path you know you should take. Otherwise, suck it up and choose another path closer to home. There are decent vet schools in Oregon, where you can learn to work with animals, and use your love of eventing as a side hobby; as do millions of us every day.

[Islander]

I was wondering about the fact that you have visualized so far ahead into the future that you forgot to plan for tomorrow. Planning is great but execution is king. You tend to ignore the realities and the complexities of everyday life and immerse yourself in the fantasies of the future. It is obvious that you have not reached a level of maturity that allows you to see things clearly that far ahead. You seemed to be longing for home and the familiar while craving adventure and the thrill of the unknown. I suggest you do a cost-benefit analysis of your situation and pay very close attention to the emotional (and financial) cost of being alone, away from home and family.

You should slow down a bit. I am not sure (you do not seem so sure either) you know what you REALLY want to do. Stick to the essentials/basics and craft your life around them. Otherwise you may later regret it.

[HiJolly]

Originally Posted by Islander

I was wondering about the fact that you have visualized so far ahead into the future that you forgot to plan for tomorrow. Planning is great but execution is king. You tend to ignore the realities and the complexities of everyday life and immerse yourself in the fantasies of the future. It is obvious that you have not reached a level of maturity that allows you to see things clearly that far ahead. You seemed to be longing for home and the familiar while craving adventure and the thrill of the unknown. I suggest you do a cost-benefit analysis of your situation and pay very close attention to the emotional (and financial) cost of being alone, away from home and family.

You should slow down a bit. I am not sure (you do not seem so sure either) you know what you REALLY want to do. Stick to the essentials/basics and craft your life around them. Otherwise you may later regret it.

True, true words. Especially "Planning is great but execution is king."

Listen to Islander. The man *knows*.


HiJolly