Dealing with overly friendly people

[Heavenguard]

There's an older brother from my church who's been ... let's say giving me more attention than I appreciate. I know he doesn't mean it in a way that should make me feel uncomfortable, he just doesn't really get social norms. I also know he has problems with acceptance, as he left his former fellowship because he said he didn't fit in with them. (They also had problems trying to deal with his personality; I'm friends with 2 guys from his former fellowship and so I know it's not something that he's particularly doing to me.)

How do I tell someone that I don't welcome their attention without making feel like I'm rejecting him/his friendship? And despite the context stated below, I know with certainty that it's just his way of being friendly without other motive.

He constantly IMs me througout the day asking me what I'm doing, and asks about things that, to put it bluntly, are absolutely none of his business. I've started to ignore him sometimes (not every time) and pretend I'm not there because it's just too much. When I do ignore him, however, he just continues messaging me with "Say something!" or "Answer me!", which ... I don't. He's taken to sending me text messages on my phone when I don't answer him. Even if I did welcome the messages, I don't have texting as part of my plan, so of course I'm not going to reply to those. So now he says he's just going to call me instead.

Iunno how to tell him to back off without insulting him or hurting his feelings.

[raulrosalez22]

I had a experience like that not long ago. some guy from one of the clubs I used to be at the university always tried so hard to make friends. and I dont know how he got my yahoo messenger ID so he added me. I didnt have a problem with that. then he added me on MSN, then on myspace, and then on facebook. I was a little concerned about how fas he found me on each thing. anyways he would talk to me about one thing we both had interest, Jets and airplanes. I always have enjoyed talking about those for a while, but for some reason he made me dislike the subject a little. I dont remember why, but it go annoying at times. he would IM me on either Yahoo or MSN asking me what I was doing. and depending on what I was doing really needed my attention I would reply or not. sometimes when I didnt reply he sent me messages on myspace. He has never sent me anything through facebook though. Sometimes out of nowhere he would tell me how much he like a friend of mine and that he was going to make a move soon. it kind of felt like a random comment so I told him to go for it.
he kept sending me messages but I go a little busy with church stuff. and we lost communication. I still have him on my friend's list but he no longer sends me anything.
so that is my advice! hahaha
get as busy as possible!!! =P
well not really but it works =S

[rampion]

Hi. You really need to be straight with this guy and set limits. It does sound like he may genuinely lack understanding of social norms, but that doesn't make it your responsibility to let him keep invading your life in ways that you don't want him to. In fact, ignoring this problem isn't doing him a favor either. The best thing to do would be to, first, decide what you want the limits to be. How much contact with him is okay with you? If you want to limit it to saying hello one time per week when he sees you at church, that's fine. It is your choice. You can say something like, "Hey, I'm flattered that you want to talk to me so much, but you are pushing for a relationship that doesn't really exist. I'm not up for getting messages and calls from you." Tell him what kind of contact is okay and under what circumstances. If he keeps messaging and calling you after you ask him not to, that's sounding like harrassment. It's unfortunate, but you might need to change your usernames and phone number, and not give him the new ones, if he won't honor your limit after you ask him to. Is there a church leader who might be able to help him get some help for his acceptance issues? You are not obligated to help him with that, but since you do sound concered for his well-being, maybe you could ask someone to check on him. If you keep ignoring the problem, it's only going to get worse, and he gets the message that it's okay to act the way he is, and he will keep having the same problem over and over with other people.

[FunkyTown]

I'm going to disagree with the majority of people here:

I think we don't have enough information to make a decision. It's interesting that you had said that he lacks social norms - Would you say that he has an actual developmental disability to that effect? If not, then you definitely have to be blunt. However, if he's the type of person to be developmentally disabled, he'll most likely never learn and being blunt will only be a catharsis for you.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, just phase him out of your life if he is developmentally disabled. Otherwise, be straight and honest. Few people do. It'll hurt him, but it's best he know.

[Misshalfway]

Is there kind way of deflecting the uncomfortable questions...like simply saying that the question is too personal or "I'm sorry I can't answer, I am quite busy at work, but perhaps I will see you at Mike's party next week." Maybe you could still offer the acceptance that this soul is looking for without compromising your personal space.

If this person struggles with an undiagnosed disorder or not, I think you can handle the situation with grace and love while you are maintaining your level of comfortable interaction with him.

It is difficult for me to see a person trying so hard to find a place where they fit in and then to watch the group move farther and farther away. Such a situation could have created some of these undesirable behaviors in him. If the dog is barking....give him a bone, kwim??? I think a little love goes a long way. Sounds like you are the sort of person that would love to give that kind of love. You just need to find a way to do without compromising your boundaries.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Heavenguard

I dunno how to tell him to back off without insulting him or hurting his feelings.

I always thought women were quite adept at brushing guys off. Tell him you will be shampooing your hair on-line for the next several years.

[Heavenguard]

Yeah, so he called me on my cellphone twice today. I ignored both calls, but my friend told me that if I don't eventually get back to him, he'll just keep calling me. So I called him and he said he was wondering if we (church friends and I) were doing anything. I said I was out with friends, and left it at that (though I actually was out with church friends). But, as my friend asked aloud after that, "Why didn't he call the rest of (them)?"

Seriously ... I feel like he's really infringing on my personal space now.

I don't think he has developmental issues, he's a very (book) smart man. But as it often goes, people who are book smart don't have a lot of common sense. (I know a good several people like that.)

I can't really phase him out of my life, he's in my congregation and on the same (church) softball team as I am.

While I was with my friends this afternoon, they were telling me that I could just give the generic "Uh huhs" and "Yeahs" as though not really interested, and then give the "I have another call"/"I have to go" until he finally gets that I'm not available for his every beck and call. Or if he doesn't get the picture then just to tell him to stop. My brother has now offered to talk to him for me if he continues to make me feel uncomfortable. I think I'll try the "not at your beck and call" approach, followed by the protection of my brother after that if needed.

But seriously, in the last 2 weeks or so, this and another 2 guys have come seemingly out of nowhere to just come and make me feel all sorts of uncomfortable. (This particular guy started in the last two weeks or so, though I knew him prior to that.) I'm so exasperated by it all, but this one I feel like I have to handle especially carefully because he's from my church, on my team, and is a little sensitive about acceptance/fitting in.

[funkymonkey]

Um, this isn't always the best idea but...
Can you find a friend that can act like your boyfriend for a while? Do nothing but gush about this wonderful new man in your life...next time you know he'll be somewhere have your friend come and flirt with him and smile real big. Every time he asks what you're doing...I'm out with my man. It might break the poor guy's heart but atleast he might move on to someone else.

[Rico]

Find the man a girlfriend. Tell him that you think he's a nice guy and you know he is interested in you, but you have someone very special in your life that you need to be devoted to and he is interering in it. Tell him that you and your friends will try to find him someone special in his life. Ask your friends to help you find him someone who would appreciate the attention.

It sounds like you are dealing with a man who has problems with being lonely. I am sure there are women you or your friends might know who are dealing with problems of being lonely as well. Instead of seeing this as a negative in your life, see it as an opportunity that Heavenly Father has given you to help out this man.

[skalenfehl]

Is it possible that your friend may have Asperger's Syndrome? He may not know his social boundaries around people, especially someone he might like.

What is Asperger's Syndrome? Learn the Signs.
Asperger's Syndrome-Symptoms