when is it a date?

[kmoore]

All,

OK, on the surface this seems like a pretty easy question. In my day a date consisted of a guy picking up a girl and going to a movie .... guy pays, etc. I lived out in the country, not many mormon's around and we pretty much stayed on the farm.

But the reality of today is pretty different. Kids often just hang out together. They'll go to a friends for video's, off to the mall, or whatever the idea de'jour is. Older kids sometimes drive, otherwise parents are usually shuffling.

Today, my son asked about going to homecoming. He's newly 15 and knows we don't date at this age. But he seemed to have it worked out. A girl chum is somekind of royalty in this dance. He's not into her (I totally believe him, he likes a girl on the other side of town). He's helping this girl by being her escort, they are covering thier own expenses.

So, I'm torn. Feels harmless enough. I really feel that the spirit of dating isn't here. But I don't want to establish a bad precedent, for my other children or for other parents (don't you just hate it when others have radically different standards that your kids want to copy )

It got me thinking about what constitutes a date. I feel sure that it is in the hearts of the participants, but that doesn't help me as their parent.

I've got some ideas .. but I'll stop now and see what others think.

[deydream]

Homecoming is a date, even if they are just friends. Once you say yes to something, it will be hard to say no later, even if it is for good intentions.

You may feel guilty now for saying no, but down the road you will be glad you did. Kids who start early in dating situations, often marry earlier or have premarital relations. Better safe than sorry.

[Soulsearcher]

I honestly think it depends on the child. You as a parent know your child better than anyone here. you can get a text book answer, but that being said, you in the end know better than any of us.

I myself would allow it, for more than one reason. first off he's trying to be a friend, and in a way trying to do an act of service. Second i think it's a good thing for the girl in question, he seems to be a better choice of escort than some of the other choices and he'll be likely to behave if he embraces the teachings of the church, and he can set an example.

I see it as an exercise in trust myself, though i would also set rules. You take them there, you pick them up, ect ect ect....

As for early daters marrying earlier.....i know far more lds people who followed the rules to the T who married at 18-19 than others who married much later, and i could debate the premarital relations statistic as well...

[kmoore]

got a little more info from him. She was elected royalty but hadn't really run and wasn't planning on going.

He swears that no one (i.e. in his circle of friends) considers homecoming a date. I know for me it would have been considered a date, but certainly plenty has changed since those ancient times

But this is why my question really is: What is dating. I think the lines have blurred quite a bit since my last date ... oops, I mean since I was married

Thanks for the advice.

BTW, his older brother has never really been interested in "dating" and mostly just hangs out, and not just with one, which I thought was way cool. But alas, my children are different who'd have thunk it.

[BenRaines]

If he goes you have opened Pandora's box for the rest of the kids. Good luck with your decision.

Ben Raines

[littlemisschatterbox]

Homecoming isn't really a date. People say they are "going together" but at my school, everyone just goes to the football game and hangs out.

[deydream]

Hanging out can be a date, homecoming is a date. It doesn't matter if kids say they don't consider it a date, it still is. My parents had certain rules for hanging out with friends, before I turned 16. And I had rules for dating.

You also have to think about the example you are setting for your kids if you decide to keep some of the prophets commandments but not others. Be careful that it doesn't appear that you are keeping only the ones that are convenient for you.

You are the parent, you will have to decide. Sure, some who keep all the rules still marry early while others don't. If you are unsure as to what to do, read "For the Strenght of Youth" pamphlet and talk to your Bishop about dating rules. I'm sure he can give you some help.

[abqfriend]

I am a Catholic and I would agree. Dating today has changed-years ago--I am in my 50's, a date was a date!-the guy picked up the girl, met the parents, etc, etc.
Today-it is less clear-unfortunately.
Some teens use the term "hooking up." Unfortunately-this term sometimes mean a physical "hooking up." Which would go against my definition of correct behavior and yours.
As parents-we can give our children examples-hopefully good examples that they will follow as the grow and mature in life, values and their faith tradition.
A focus on a strong family environment helps much in this world of casual dating and other casual behaviors.
-Carol

Originally Posted by deydream

Hanging out can be a date, homecoming is a date. It doesn't matter if kids say they don't consider it a date, it still is. My parents had certain rules for hanging out with friends, before I turned 16. And I had rules for dating.

You also have to think about the example you are setting for your kids if you decide to keep some of the prophets commandments but not others. Be careful that it doesn't appear that you are keeping only the ones that are convenient for you.

You are the parent, you will have to decide. Sure, some who keep all the rules still marry early while others don't. If you are unsure as to what to do, read "For the Strenght of Youth" pamphlet and talk to your Bishop about dating rules. I'm sure he can give you some help.

[piper]

What I've taught my children is that dating shouldn't begin until age 16 and then it should be group dating with several young men and young women that aren't pairing up if that makes sense. Going with someone to homecoming in my day involved dinner beforehand and then a dance after the game , yes, it was a long time ago. So to me, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably some kind of duck. I wish you the best on working through this with your son. Either way, if you tell him no, or if you decide to let him go, I would hope you do it in concert with him exploring all of your concerns, and his concerns so that you keep the path of communication open.
mark

[Jbs2763]

I ain't gonna touch this one... I'm in the YSA world and have no clue what a date is, when its hanging out, when it is a group hang, or a group date....i have no freakin idea, I have no idea when a girl is flirting or being freindly, i can sit and have a 20 min conversation with a girl that I thought was no way interested in me, may not be, Or i can and do get "HEY ASK ME OUT SILLY" vibes from a gal who is attached to a dude who is way above my class (lower-middle/blue collar) and he's working on his PhD,



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