Need some advice, hope you can help!

unsteadyrock21 · #1 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 02:33 AM

Hi there, I don't know if you can help, but any advice would be wonderful. I feel a little weird because i've never done this before, but I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about the situation. I have been married for almost four years, and i am deeply in love with my husband. Unfortunately, I have some trust issues that come from bad childhood experiences. I don't know what I should do. I married my husband knowing he wasn't strong in the church, but he has come a long way. He is serving in the Elders Quorum, and we are going to be sealed when we can get all the arrangements worked out. Now for the situation.....I had my daughter with me and we were cleaning out our car. I noticed a piece of paper that was cumbled up. I opened it and found a receit for alcohol. I noticed that it wasn't used by our bank account debit card, but that doesn't mean anything right. I asked him about it and he said that a guy he car pools to work with bought it. Unfortunately that night that it was bought my husband came home late from work, and I don't know it doesn't seem like things are adding up and I dont' know what to do. I don't know if I should press it further, because I highly doubt he will say anything different, or if I should not worry about it. I feel like my trust issues are always getting in the way, but I know that I can't keep letting things go. I really have no idea what I should do or think. It is two in the morning, my stomach is upset and I can't sleep becasue the issue has me all worked up. I don't want to risk my family but I don't want to keep making excuses if there is a problem. What would you do? Please anyone with any advice please feel free.

Gwen · #2 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 03:01 AM

has he ever had a drinking problem before? is that something you would logically be looking for with him?

meet him at the door and give him a big 'ol kiss before he can do anything else. i can't imagine much my hubby could do that i wouldn't be able to taste the alcohol if he had just consumed it. and if he's innocent he might enjoy the new form of reception rather than being upset about your personal insecurities.

on a more serious note. i suggest you pray about it. ask the lord to put you at peace if it's nothing.....to help lead you to the pieces you need to make since of it all if it's not.

unsteadyrock21 · #3 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 03:36 AM

actually yes there has been a problem before, in which I told him that it stopped or we broke up. And as soon as I said that he stopped and had been clean for a year, but went with a friend and drank one other time but it's been a year since then. I don't know what to do, he would know how to cover up alcohol on his breath that's one thing I know for sure, he had to hide it from his mom when he was drinking before he met me.

Gwen · #4 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 03:44 AM

personally i can taste a lot more than i can smell. but fair enough.

he went and drank one time? is he an alcoholic or just likes to drink on occasion? what was the trigger a yr ago that he went out for a drink? maybe the issue isn't the drinking but what is triggering it.

Misshalfway · #5 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 09:25 AM

Hi Unsteady Rock.

I can relate a little to the struggle to trust others AND have struggled with learning to trust myself. That, I think, is the primary thing I would like to talk about is your trust of yourself. It is as if you observe your past trust issues and then somehow discount or second guess your instincts. If you have had people in your life who have failed you and perhaps failed you in predictable patterns, why wouldn't you know better than others the warning signs??? What I am saying is trust your instincts and those warning feelings within you. And also trust yourself to handle the situation with grace before and after you get more information. Banish the fear! Trust God to help you understand and see the truth about the situation and stand firm in that trust.

Now....to your H. I am with Gwen on this one. I really would like to know more about his history. Is he an alcoholic? Has he been in recovery? Are you worried that this is a relapse? Or are you simply worried about his testimony and commitment to covenants?

If he is indeed an addict, then it wouldn't surprise me at all that you feel the way you do. Why should you trust something that has been out of control in the past and may show its ugly head at any time?

It seems to me that any marriage that has had addiction issues in the past should establish safe,open and honest lines of communication so that if and when the temptations or triggers come....and they do.....that there is a safety net in place to deal with it. There is no sense in living in denial and fear. Facing it head on and dealing with it in kindness out in the open is more effective.

Hemidakota · #6 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unsteadyrock21

actually yes there has been a problem before, in which I told him that it stopped or we broke up. And as soon as I said that he stopped and had been clean for a year, but went with a friend and drank one other time but it's been a year since then. I don't know what to do, he would know how to cover up alcohol on his breath that's one thing I know for sure, he had to hide it from his mom when he was drinking before he met me.

Yes! It could be his bottle or case but again, without proof, I would not even speculate in these matters without the Holy Ghost for a confirmation. Go to the Lord for help in providing a solution. Depend upon the Holy Ghost for guidance and truths. Speculation causes to much negative emotional energies being wasted and turns away the Spirit.

countrygirl66 · #7 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 11:09 AM

hi unsteady,
I am the all time winner of trust issues. Something that is very slow to change so here is my advice for what it is worth. Talk to him about your goal to go to the temple and your and his tesitmonys. Try reading scriptures together if he is open to that. See if he is open to talking about his feeling for the gospel. I find this helps me to be in a place to know where to go next. You will have to trust him eventually, and boy is that hard. Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have but so worth it. My h and I are so different where i struggle he shines and where he struggles it seems easy for me.

RainofGold · #8 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 12:06 PM

My husband is not active in the church and he drinks once in a while. For a long time a resented him for not going to church with me and for drinking. But I knew that I couldn't force him to do the things that I wanted and at the same time I couldn't stay with him with all this bad feelings because I wasn't happy. So I had to make a decision and I prayed to my HF . I talked to my husband and I told him that I loved him and that even though I want him to go to church and not to drink I wasn't going to give him an ultimatum. I have being married to him for almost 19 years and even though there has being hard times in our marriage he is a loving father and a good husband. I don't regret making the decision to stay with him.

All I can say to you is to pray and to let your husband know that you love him and that he can trust you and come to you with anything

Rain

momof5 · #9 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 01:14 PM

I was in that same situation. You really need to go to him on a good day, let him know that you need to talk and that you have questions that may be hard, but that you aren't judging or looking down in anyway, and that you would like to let him know your feelings, and you'd like to know his. It is VERY important that you have this conversation when you are alone and ONLY if you are not fighting n anyway. Also, remember that you should be prepared for the worst possible case. That way when you hear what you've been dreading (if that's the case) it won't be a shock to you. Keep in mind also that no one is perfect and you are there to love him, support him, and help him. If he is having a drinking problem (Mine was) the one thing he needs from you is love. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. It was in years 2-5 that he was an alcholic. I know from experience that it is a long and hard road. Yelling and screaming, and trying to change him will only push him away. When I gave all of that up and just supported him and loved him UNCONDITIONALLY, that's when everything fell into place. We were sealed in August. It is possible to have a happy ending. Don't give up!

Mailis · #10 (**permalink**) 09-23-2008, 02:29 PM

You have got a lot of good advice here. I have met too much problems so I have decided that what ever an otehr person does is that persons problem not mine. I ahve told where I stand, that I love my family and I want them all with me all eternity ... and they know it and if they choose to cheat or what ever, it is their problem. I will help them if they need help but I wont go around worrying if... and if.... cause I know at the end IF.... so they will be so sorry!
Kynic? maybe but I have learned that I can not change an other person ... only God can do that all I can do is to be a good example, love them and tolerate them. Only way they can really change is to understand their "sinn" thoroughly, understand the pain it gives to the person that dont watn that to hapen and will to change! And above all understand eternity..... heh not even I do that... so lets say understand eternity a bit better!
And at the end there is Jesus Christ who suffered for us who tok our sins on his shoulders so we could enherit the eternal life with Him and Father.
Once I was very worried of my oldest daughter... she even resighned the Church... one morning as I woke up a very calm voice told me that I do not need to worry about her, she is her husbands worry.... she is not actually married, but her man is jewish....
Pray for him and your family!