Most Stress in 35 years of marriage...

[Kaaskop]

I appreciate the chance to get some objective input here - I'm wondering if anyone is experiencing the same thing....

I love my wife dearly - we've raised 3 wonderful children, are both now in our late 50's living at home with our oldest son as we look to put away enough money for some sort of retirement. We are both professionals - I work from home - my wife is a public employee.

My oldest son is 26, served a very honorable mission, lived independently for a while and started 2 different careers before recognizing he disliked the direction his path was taking and returned home to go back to school. This was 2 1/2 years ago.

My wife and I didn't live 35 years together in this marriage without learning commitment. We've had many ups and downs, but always managed to work through the low points, rejoice in the high points and have ended stronger for all of our experiences. Until now.

We've hit a roadblock that seems to have shut down our ability to communicate on the same page. It's an emotionally charged issue: our son.

When "Bill" came back home to live with us, it was with the understanding that it was to assist in getting through his education. So far, he's done extremely well on that score - now getting ready to transfer away to a 4 year school.

At the time he returned home to go to school, I discussed with him the difference between living in our house as a "child" as opposed to living with us essentially as a "room mate." This was based on less-than-optimum results we had experienced during his high school years. I even went so far as to write down the important issues to which he signed on.

He said he would be unable to take on a job because he wanted to focus on his GPA and studies. His mom agreed - I did not. One of the issues Bill had in high school was too much online internet gaming, hours on end, which decimated his GPA and required him to redo quite a bit of his high school work in Junior college. He has a car (for which we co-signed while he was working) and insurance payment, which I felt was his responsibility to take care of. So far he's been using grant money for those obligations, not exactly as I envisioned for him, but it covers his payments, tuition and books. Mostly.

Bottom line, although he started out OK, within a few months he regressed into living like he was still a teen-ager. The room is a demolition zone, World of Warcraft is on the computer 5 hours a day or more, he's not employed even part time - we are paying for his gas, dates with his girlfriend, other expenses, etc., with a bank card that his mother gave him. Every time I try to discuss these issues with my son, my wife intervenes and says she can't live with "all the discord." She's fully vested in our kids, and her maternal instincts have always been dead-on when they were little, but I feel it's doing him no favor at this point in his life. Attempts to discuss this alone with my wife invariably end with "Why do you hate him so much?"

That cuts me to the quick. I love my son dearly, but also feel a responsibility to see that he stands on his own as much as possible and learns to honor his commitments.

(Example: He did take a summer sales job last year. Instead of saving the money for car payments, or school expenses, or money for dates, etc., he spent it all on sports equipment.... my wife's credit card purchased his books the next semester.)

I'm proud of his academic accomplishments, but not of his progress from child to adult. I struggle to keep my cool when he asks "when's dinner?" each day. (I do much of the cooking since I'm home most of the day..) Now, as it turns out, instead of going away for the last 2 years of his undergraduate work, he's looking to stay at home to save the costs.

I realize it's mostly a problem of communication between my wife and myself - but so far the topic always ends badly when approached - accusations, blame, etc. etc.

We need to diffuse the emotion somehow, and get on the same page for all of our sakes.... especially in light of the fact we might end up extending this situation for another two years....

[Misshalfway]

Well, I agree with you regarding your son. I would definitely want to see more responsible actions on his part. If it were my son, there would definitely be a contract in place with certain stipulations and consequences if expectations are not met. And if I were to be really honest, I don't know if I would let him live at home without a job. I think it is outrageous that you all are paying for his entertainment and his girlfriend. And I wonder if he is indeed taking all he can get from you.

With regards to your wife's behavior, it makes me wonder why she insists on taking such care of him. Is she afraid of losing him? Or losing the feeling she gets by taking care of him? Is she afraid to offend him by setting some rules or afraid that he will fail if she doesn't help?

I really believe that such parenting is sending all the wrong messages and in the end will weaken your son.

I don't know how you diffuse the situation. It appears to me that your needs and wishes aren't being listened to at all. And as long as your wife gives into him, it puts you in a terrible position. Something does need to be done. I couldn't go on this way.

[BenRaines]

As someone who has been married for 33 years I have a little experience in this area. We four children. Each as they went away to college were told that they were being given a one year scholarship that was renewable based on grades. The three oldest, all girls, decided to play while they were out of the house away at college. One is now a single mother working and supporting her daughter and herself, her ex husband sends 40 dollars a month in child support. She is great at sales and makes a good living.

Third daughter is a home mom.

Second daughter served a mission and has returned to school on her own and just received her associates degree while working full time and living with her sister. She is now moving home, at 29, to work on her bachelors. She has a car, we cosigned, car insurance, goes out with friends, goes to California to the beach, buys clothes. Returned to her mission for a visit in South Africa. She does all that with her own money. All this while maintaining a B average.

When she moves in with us she will need money to do the things that she wants to do. We will provide housing, food and that is it. She will need to take care of the rest.

As long as the two of you see it differently it will be impossible to resolve.

More than anything I am wondering what kind of husband he will eventually be.

Oh we have a son too. He just turned 25. Served a mission, worked for a year before his mission, worked since he was 13 each summer.

While he is in school I pay his tuition, books and living expense. He pays for his dating and snowboarding, etc. He just married and now he is paying all his own expenses. This semester he is working 12-17 hours a day so that he can go to BYU Hawaii in January to finish up his International Business degree. He also maintains a B+ average at BYU.

At 25 I think it is going to be very hard to change his habits and even more so by yourself.

Ben Raines

[JHM-in-Bountiful]

My story is a bit different than of your son. I did not leave home until the age of 32. That was in 2002. I graduated from high school in 1989 and attempted to go to a junior college. I basicly dropped out towards the end of the fist year. I have social anxiety disorder and depression which prevents me from working. I did work off and on between 1989 and 1999. My highest paying job was only $6.50 an hour. That was only a part-time job. I did help pay for rent and a couple small bills during this time. There was great friction between my mother and step-father. My mother wanted to "care" for me while my step-father was ready to kick me out of the house. They knew I'd never leave home. I would not let them purchase gifts for me. Why let a parent buy me a birthday gift when they are spending money to support me? They still bought them because they loved me. I felt so awful that I was creating the tension in the household. I will admit there were other factors in their marriage that were a problem, aside from me staying at home. I applied for social security disability. After several denials and a court hearing, I was awarded a favorable decision. A couple months after the hearing I moved to another state and now live a single life. Six years into being "independant from my parents", I have become a much better person in almost every aspect of my life. I did have to ask for a 200 dollar loan from them, but promptly paid it back 2 months later. I've not needed thier assistance for any other reasons. Your son is going to college to better his life. That is different from my disability status. I do understand your point of view and also how your wife feels as well. I saw it from both ends for many years. Unfortunatly I'm unable to much advice. I think all 3 of you need to sit down and have a family meeting and review or set-up new rules, ect. I've been in conseling for most of my life. Some type of counseling service may be an avenue you might want to look into. If not, maybe talking to your Bishop. He may have other suggestions. I hope things will work out for all of you.

John

[brother01]

Why not talk to the wife and try to do a joint call to Dr. Laura?

[countrygirl66]

hi just a thought
I am just starting out with my oldest son being almost 19 and moving out in two weeks. He has chosen to pursue other options than school right now. As I read your post I wondered if maybe your son is playing two ends against the middle. I ask because my son tries to do it to me, (ex he will say mom talk to dad, i know you will help me with xxx but dad won't unless you talk to him). I did this to my mom and dad to, (although I moved out when I was 18). He may be kind of stuck himself and not happy but not ready to move on. My oldest gets mad and stomps his feet and says we don't care about him when we say no to money and then gets really mad when we say we are giving you the blessing of independence. Maybe the three of you could sit down and make some goals and decisions and you and your wife could agree not to do anything for him without discussing it first. Take care and I realize I am not in your shoes but I was a minipulative teen/young adult once upon a time.

[mightynancy]

LOL Brother01 - you know what Dr. Laura would say!

Barring disability, that boy needs to get out. Seriously. For his own good.

My DS is only 12 (13 tomorrow!) and he's already on notice. Really, DH and I got into the parenting game late. Being that the kids can work and borrow their way through university, and we can't borrow our way through retirement, he's on notice that he's on the YOYO plan. That would be the You're On Your Own plan. He will be a 21-year-old man when he hits the books in earnest after his mission.

Okay, back to you. Is it possible that your wife is a little worried about what she'll do with you when there are no "kids" around? I hear the empty nest brings pretty big changes to a relationship...even happy changes can be daunting. Does she need to be needed? Is she secretly worried that your son really can't/won't make it out in the world? I pray you can find a way to talk together that won't make her feel defensive nor make you feel frustrated. All the best.

[Kirajo]

Hey if he signed something agreeing to the conditions of living with you....he's got some rules to follow unless he wants a kick in the pants by Judge Judy eh?

[rameumptom]

I have a son at home that is 29 years old. He has social skills issues that I don't think he'll ever overcome. However, we do not coddle him. He "rents" a room from us, so he pays his own way. When he came back home after some severe struggles in his life, we gave him 6 months free while he put his life back in order and to get into a decent job. He's done his part.

You and your wife need to discuss this together, with the advice of your bishop, trusted 3d party, or a counselor, if necessary. Both of you share your views, and seek to find a compromise. So, your kid is still at home. Okay. But it can't be a freebee. Either he's your kid and will do chores, have limits on play time, etc., or he's a renter.

The bishop or adviser will help your wife understand that to coddle him is to prevent him from moving forth in life. He has to have responsibility. Many people have worked and gone to school at the same time. I worked full time in the USAF, held callings in bishoprics, raised three step-kids and went to college all at the same time. You aren't asking him to do all of this, just some of it.

Of course, each child has strengths and weaknesses. We need to ensure we are helping them grow, without coddling them in their weaknesses.

[checkerboy]

Yeah I was with my parents for 8 months while my wife and I were seperated. I was severely depressed as well but I still bought most of my own food. They didn't charge me rent but I expect that if I wasn't working or making the effort to better myself they would have sat down and talked to me. My mom fell into the same camp as your wife. She loved having her oldest home again and treated me like I was still dependent on her. It is a serious issue I think. Maybe you and your wife should see a counselor if you can't get communication going on your own.