Do I or don't I?

pam · #1 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 01:36 AM

Okay this isn't about me because I'm not married. But I do have a friend that approached me with the question.

So...say I've been married in the temple and am just not happy at all. I've been through counseling but nothing changed.

The man in many ways is a good husband but I'm just not emotionally happy. I don't feel physically attracted to him. In fact I never really did. I fee like I'm staying with him just because of the covenants I made in the Temple and because of my young son.

If I were to go with the decision of divorce...what happens to my eternal salvation?

Iggy · #2 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 02:05 AM

What are you basing your degree of happiness on? List why you feel you are not happy, and be very specific here.

Are you bored? Tired of being the only cook, cleaner, shopper in the family?

Are the expectations that you had when you married not come to fruition? Or have they, but you are not satisfied with them?

Before you met and married your husband, what did you want from a marriage - from your companion? Did you get them? Has your husband lived up to your expectations? Was he even aware of them?

What were your contributions to the marriage? Have you succeeded in presenting your contributions and your goals to the marriage.

List exactly what you think a happy marriage is. List what you feel the husband should bring to the marriage to make it a good and happy marriage. List what you should bring to the marriage to make it a good and happy marriage.

Now make a list of the qualities you want in your eternal companion. Pretend that you are not married or sealed and be very specific.

How does this last list compare to the happy marriage list? How does your Wife list compare to the Husband list? They should be pretty much equal. If they are not- you need to work on being the kind of person you want your husband to be.

Divorce should only be sought if one of the marriage partners is abusive to spouse/children. It is not a Get Out of Jail Card. It also should NEVER be used as a threat towards your spouse.

WANDERER · #3 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 03:59 AM

*happiness*.....ummmmmm.....doesn't she take that with her wherever she goes......if she can't find happiness in the things that she is doing now, how does being single change that?

MorningStar · #4 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 04:19 AM

Why did she marry him if she wasn't attracted to him?

Nappaljarri · #5 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 04:43 AM

Dear oh dear. She will never be happy if she divorces. She should look up statistics on divorcee happniess.... I don't think it is very high. We are taught to be whole without the help of our spouses. She needs to search her own self and find the inner happiness that her husband does not have the power to alter.

Misshalfway · #6 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 08:42 AM

What does she want that he isn't giving her? Does she think that someone else will give her what she is missing?

I think that these are matters to be taken in Faith to Father in Heaven. He knows all the answers to these emotional complexities. I suppose the trick is to really humble herself to listen to the answer.

Kaaskop · #7 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 09:26 AM

"When you see through love's illusions, there lies the danger
And your perfect lover just looks like a perfect fool
So you go running off in search of a perfect stranger
While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
Like a fountain from a pool"

Jackson Browne

BenRaines · #8 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 09:55 AM

I have seen this with so many, it is not like in the movies. Hollywood's idea of love and romance is so over the top. I show my love for my wife by all the things I would do for her. Things I would give up to bring her happiness.

Yes you should stay married due to temple covenants, unless abuse is involved.

People are so self-centered today. We who grew up in the early 70's were accused of being the "Me Generation". I see much more of it today. It is all about me, me, me.

Ben Raines

StrawberryFields · #9 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 10:49 AM

Yes, I agree with Ben.

Sometimes emotional fulfillment is only what we can do for ourselves.

Yesterday I went to lunch with the FooFoo Gals in my ward. We started talking about the things that were important to us and that brought us personal joy. I guess we have been coined The FooFoo Gals (by my husband lol) because we all love to create things and we feed of one another’s talents. One of my friends said that her hubby never commented on her projects even though he knows how much apart of her they are. I asked her if she placed them under his nose and said, "See, Look at what I just created"! She said well no, he knows.... I said maybe he doesn't and you need to make him see. I have recently taken up jewelry making and I look for gratification from my hubby after I have made something. What I do is stand between him and the TV and pose with the jewelry on and say, "Look at what I just made". I have been getting the same response since I started this new craft and her gives me a smile and says "Aww FANCY!". At that point I know I have gotten a touchdown!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

We need to learn to take the people in our lives at the point they are and not try to mold them all at once

countrygirl66 · #10 (**permalink**) 10-03-2008, 10:58 AM

sounds like she may be suffering from depression of some sort. As a product of parents who adopted the "free love" attitude of the 60's (which I have to say was selfish and put us kids through ******) if you have a good husband hang on for all your worth. Satan can get a hold on your heart and make you beleive your not happy, maybe your not spending your free time wisely as in service. Satan wants to break up families and this is how he does it. If he is a good man and supports his family, you have a lot. Maybe she sould talk to some divorced sisters and see what they are looking for the ones I know want someone who is kind, works, is a good father, righteous priesthood holder. Maybe it would help her to be grateful for what she has. I have a friend who has a marriage that was arranged by her parents, she never even met her h until a couple of days before they married. They are happy, she said she had to learn to love him and went into the marriage with that attitude. i have another friend that asked his wife to marry on the second date (his culture they don't date you find someone you like and make arrangements for marriage). They have been married 12 years and have 3 kids and are very happy. I think a lot of it is attitude. Life is hard better to go through it with someone good to help you along the way.