How to get the spark back? - Page 2

BenRaines · #11 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 11:37 AM

It was a problem in our church in the area of Las Vegas. Younger married guys were going out having their "gambling night" then on another night the wives were going out and having their "clubbing night".

You want to see what it is like at those clubs there are numerous websites that show how people dress and dance at those places.

For married people unless they are going with each other and dancing with each other then clubbing should not be for them.

If there is anything virtuous, lovely,of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

Ben Raines

Misshalfway · #12 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 11:39 AM

It is really hard to know the source of the problems poor Hordak here is going thru. Is his wife dealing with some kind of post pregnancy hormones? (I am not aware of many women who haven't been surprised by these changes that often come after pregnancy....and she sounds young and perhaps a bit unaware of her chemistry) OR, is she immature and not yet ready to fully embrace the responsibility and devotion that her choices now require of her.

It does sound as if she is very self absorbed. Perhaps she may see valid weaknesses in you, Hordak, I couldn't possible know if her assessments are honest or just part of her need to discredit you. But, I do know that when we see weakness in our partners, there are definitely ways to support and encourage as we apply patience and understanding and love to our problem solving efforts. It doesn't appear that she has developed such capability yet.

What it sounds like is that she is young. And she started a marriage and a family before she was ready. I wonder if she is still looking to everyone and everything else to MAKE her happy, instead of applying the principles of happiness to her choices and her thinking. Maybe she thought marriage would do it. And when it didn't, maybe she thought a baby would. And when that didn't work, she stopped the baby process, but then reopened it when she was "needing" something again. I can't really know.....just supposing out loud.

I do think that some kind of third party intervention is the only way to get an objective and accurate opinion about what is really going on here, and then an effective strategy. I do think that this problem is a lot deeper and more wide spread than just needing to re-ignite the 'spark'.

Hordak, my heart goes out to you. I have struggled in my own marriage relationship. I know what it is like to get hit by the bus, and to be the one making my spouse feel the same. I don't suppose any of us is immune these days. Satan does seem h*** bent on breaking up any marriage he can, using any wedge he can get his hands on. My best wishes to you. I know there is hope. There are wonderful therapists and the gospel and the Savior really can re-establish love between any two willing people. Me and my sweetie are proof!

checkerboy · #13 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 11:52 AM

Hordak my experience is somewhat similar to yours. My wife "fell" out of love with me too. Now we are divorced. If you want the specifics and what I did and didn't do, drop me a line and we can chat.

ceeboo · #14 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BenRaines

You want to see what it is like at those clubs there are numerous websites that show how people dress and dance at those places.

For married people unless they are going with each other and dancing with each other then clubbing should not be for them.

Ben Raines

Looks like it might be my " BenRaines day "

AGAIN, I could not agree more.

IMHO, There is NOTHING that " clubbing without your spouse " can possibly do the strengthen, solidify, grow, nurture, or protect the very union that it should treasure in our society.

I would also suggest that " clubbing solo " indeed has the exact opposite effect on the thing we should be openly displaying the most respect and value to. ( eachother ).
This act can and often does lead to hurt, anger, sadness, mistrust, wonder, pain, and can only weaken the very foundation of marriage. Not to mention the examples of behavior we set for our children, Who BTW learn by example.

God bless,
Carl

hordak · #15 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gwen

lol ok so maybe it's how men and women hear things or the need of a man to use as few words as possible but i don't think those two posts say the same thing. lol

i can almost agree with the second post....... i would be more agreeable to this.....

first, having babies does a number on her hormones. have you considered issues there? sometimes things get blown way over the top due to it. hormones don't invalidate her feelings or concerns but may explain how they are expressed.

She's not pregnant. She wants to have more kids but isn't hormonal

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gwen

second, her going out may be expressing a need to be social again. have the two of you been dating? though the logistics may be difficult you both need to get out and socialize with each other.

No, we get out together about once or twice a year without the kids.I know we need it.Need to find a way to get it back and keep it alive with the kids around.Since they are around 99.9% of the time

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gwen

third, though the internet may be helpful in find advise or having "outside" contact from just the kids. i would caution you to not over do it and make sure you are there for her when she is home or it will just push her further away. the same is true for any other activities that keep you apart when she is home (tv, hobbies, etc)

No problems there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gwen

yes a-train i give you permission to say i'm splitting hairs and blame it on me being a hormonal woman

i need to remember hordak is a stay at home dad, not a stay at home mom. though i can relate somewhat, he's sill a guy.

sorry for the digression hordak.

accepted

Hemidakota · #16 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 12:36 PM

Hordak, I have some questions. If I am reading this correctly, you have two children? What are the ages and gender? Are you both endowed and temple sealed? Are you both active in the church and have callings? What does your wife do for a living and what is your undergrad major?

hordak · #17 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Misshalfway

It is really hard to know the source of the problems poor Hordak here is going thru. Is his wife dealing with some kind of post pregnancy hormones? (I am not aware of many women who haven't been surprised by these changes that often come after pregnancy....and she sounds young and perhaps a bit unaware of her chemistry) OR, is she immature and not yet ready to fully embrace the responsibility and devotion that her choices now require of her.

It does sound as if she is very self absorbed. Perhaps she may see valid weaknesses in you, Hordak, I couldn't possible know if her assessments are honest or just part of her need to discredit you. But, I do know that when we see weakness in our partners, there are definitely ways to support and encourage as we apply patience and understanding and love to our problem solving efforts. It doesn't appear that she has developed such capability yet.

What it sounds like is that she is young. And she started a marriage and a family before she was ready. I wonder if she is still looking to everyone and everything else to MAKE her happy, instead of applying the principles of happiness to her choices and her thinking. Maybe she thought marriage would do it. And when it didn't, maybe she thought a baby would. And when that didn't work, she stopped the baby process, but then reopened it when she was "needing" something again. I can't really know.....just supposing out loud.

I do think that some kind of third party intervention is the only way to get an objective and accurate opinion about what is really going on here, and then an effective strategy. I do think that this problem is a lot deeper and more wide spread than just needing to re-ignite the 'spark'.

Hordak, my heart goes out to you. I have struggled in my own marriage relationship. I know what it is like to get hit by the bus, and to be the one making my spouse feel the same. I don't suppose any of us is immune these days. Satan does seem h*** bent on breaking up any marriage he can, using any wedge he can get his hands on. My best wishes to you. I know there is hope. There are wonderful therapists and the gospel and the Savior really can re-establish love between any two willing people. Me and my sweetie are proof!

She's not pregnant and our youngest is 3 so it isn't hormones.I do think the family was started too soon but we did everything(well almost) everything to prevent it from happening.We were that . 1% twice. I guess we are "young" but i certainly don't feel like it.Becoming a father completely changed my life.I learned what was really important.I discovered that a Saturday morning and the floor with blocks and a 2 year old beats a Friday night out at the club hands down. She used to be there with me.On the same page.

hordak · #18 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hemidakota

Hordak, I have some questions. If I am reading this correctly, you have two children? What are the ages and gender? Are you both endowed and temple sealed? Are you both active in the church and have callings? What does your wife do for a living and what is your undergrad major?

2 kids. 1 of each 3 and 4 years old. Not temple endowed. Half active in the church. I introduced it to her so she could meet some friends with different hobbies/standards but it's hard for her being a working mom.The ladies get together for lunches while shes at work.Allot of the activities are geared to being a mommy and it's not really her role.(work wise) Plus her job, being in the military is completely opposite from the church.Don't get me wrong there are good people in the service but things are very different.I will be going for Respiratory Therapy provided i get in.It's a small school.I will graduate in 27 months, 8 months after her enlistment is over.The plan is to get out but i don't know if it can/will last that long.

Tough Grits · #19 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 02:49 PM

Personally, I do not believe in perfect marriages.

My husband and I have a very strong marriage, but we have to work really hard at it.

I am a woman. I understand that I DO get hormonal. It does not embarrass me or upset me. My husband knows that every month he is going to get a call on his cell phone from me, and he is told to go by the store and pick up a 12-pack of coke on his way home.

He knows what that means. It means that he and the children had better be on their P's and and Q's.

At any rate, that one week a month does not define me. I am a strong woman who works, goes to college, does the yard work, all the finances and bills, reads to my children, helps them with homework, washes the laundry, organizes Family Home Evening, says prayers with the children, and reads scriptures with the children.

I am not a weenie by any means, but sometimes I think that might be the source of the occasional hiccups that my husband and I may have.

Has society trained me to think of "man" as the stronger one, the one who should bear most of the burdens in the family?

The fact of the matter is that my husband has wonderful talents and skills, but he cannot do things in a timely manner, or do most things at all unless I tell him to do them. I don't have the time or energy to go behind my husband and keep reminding him of what I want him to do. So I do it.

His only job in the house is the dishes. And even when the sink is over-flowing, I have to tell him to do them.

*SIGH*

Most of the time this does not bother me. But I have learned that when it does bother me, oh boy. He and I have had many talks about this. I DO get frustrated, but I am not sure if it is with him, or with this stupid ideal I have in my head of who and what he "should" be as a man, husband, and father.

I am sure I am not his ideal either, even if I do everything and he wants or worries for nothing. I do not have grace or eloquence, I do not speak with the ever soft, lilting voice of an angel (give me a break, my father was a loud Cuban...I will never speak in soft tones), and I am not this radiant, charming little wife who is always the gentle breeze and brightest ray. Whatever. I am so not the stuff of fluffy poetry.

So, my point is, do we damage ourselves be trying to expect our spouses to live up to unrealistic ideals?

I have to remind myself every day to accept my husband for who he is, not who I wish for him to be, and I pray that he is doing the same towards me...that he is reminding himself every day to accept me for who I am, and not who he wishes for me to be.

Most of the time our marriage is smooth sailing, because we like each other and we are good friends. We are compatible in other areas as well, but for privacy and modesty reasons I will not spell it out.

I have to remind myself that when I feel over-whelmed, that those are just my feelings, and they are not a result of anything my husband has done TO ME. But for some reason, when I get overwhelmed that is when I begin to critically assess what he is and is not doing around the house and in our relationship. That is MY issue, not his. Poor guy has no idea that I am even starting to get overwhelmed or that I am thinking negative about him.

So, I have to re-direct my thoughts before it explodes on him. I have to remind myself of all that he DOES do, all that I absolutely adore about him, all that we have been through, and how much I really do want to be with him throughout the eternities.

Most of the time I can pull myself out of it. Every once-in-awhile I can't and he and I have a "discussion".

I do know this: there are no perfect men or women, thus there are no perfect marriages. If I left Michael and went looking for the perfect man/husband/father...then I would die a lonely, old woman.

I know this. And maybe this one truth keeps me sane and keeps me balanced on those very rare moments when I do want to give up.

I am not sure this helped, but just wanted to give you one woman's perspective on her marriage that IS a good one...but not a perfect one.

Also, it is not a good sign when a woman goes out clubbing. Not a good sign at all.

When one spouse stays at home and the other spouse is the sole source of income, it is not good that the spouse who has been out in the world all day, then turns around and wants to be out in the world at night too.

Yes, her psychiatrist may have told her it was okay...but he is her doctor...not yours, not your family's.

Have you considered family counseling? The Church offers these services. They are real counselors with degrees, but they are also members of the Church and work for the Church, therefore they incorporate LDS standards into the counseling. Family counseling really sounds necessary at this point, regardless of whether the doctor is LDS or not.

I wish you the best.

Much Love,
Tough Grits

countrygirl66 · #20 (**permalink**) 10-10-2008, 06:52 PM

hi hordak,
Sorry you are struggling so much. I had a couple of thoughts for what they are worth. I quit my day job about 13 years ago, prior to that I was working in the corporate world. It is was a very difficult time for me. There are so many men/women that I ran across that cheat on their wives/husbands. It starts with saying simple things like you work hard can't you meet us and such and such and have a little fun. Surely your husband doesn't expect you to never have any fun. If me and my h had an argument and I was upset it went something like this. You shouldn't have to be treated that way, noone should have to put up with that. If I was alone at lunch it would go something like this, You want to have lunch, your h will let you have friends that are guys won't he. Little by little they create contention in a marriage and can make you think you are missing out on something. I was lucky that I was able to say no to the traps laid all about, but I saw many who walked right into them. The reality is that life is difficult and I myself beleive that you don't go clubbing, unless you go together. You don't go to lunch with someone of the opposite sex unless there is more than two of you. It is a slippery slope and your wife may be confused about what she wants. She may be getting one kind of life at work and something else at home. See if she would be willing to lay down some ground rules. Also find a kind way to help her see what she could be giving up. She may not be seeing the value in what she has. I hope you can work things out. Good luck.