How to get the spark back?

[RachelleDrew]

From what you've posted, it doesn't seem as though she had the maturity to get married or have children when she did. She doesn't seem interested in being a mother or a wife, and the way I see it she talks about having kids the way a 16 year old glamorizes having children and being a wife without really seeing the big picture, which explains the back and forth decision making. She has no idea what she wants.

However, even if that is true there is nothing that can be done about it now. She is married and a mother and regardless of if she was ready for it or not she has to step up to the plate and act like an adult.

Do yourself a favor and don't have anymore surgeries one way or the other until your marriage is back on track and she KNOWS what she wants. Maybe another guy here can clarify for me, but it doesn't seem like a healthy thing to have that many procedures done to your reproductive system.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with her one on one without children around. Ask her if she thinks there is any hope for you two, if there is anything you can do to help re-direct your relationship and if she still wants to be married to you anymore, period. It may hurt to hear the answer, but I think you really need to find out for certain without her beating around the bush and leading you on.

On another note, there is an equal amount of chance that she DOES want to remain married to you, but just feels too far gone or too overwhelmed etc and feels that giving up would be easier. If that is the case, then counseling may help you guys out.

However, she's got to meet you halfway here, if she does think that there is even a remote chance of reconciliation and wants to try then she has got to put in the work too, not just you. If you are the only one trying to save your marriage then nothing will get accomplished.

From the looks of this message (and it could be a completely different situation than what you are telling us, so this is pure speculation) you seem to be trying very hard and doing everything that you can. Keep in mind, that if it's simply maturity that she lacks then you aren't doing anything wrong and that there IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. I'm sure that your self-esteem is taking a beating here, and making you feel like you are somehow a bad husband otherwise your wife wouldn't do this. I've seen this done by women before, and oft times to a wonderful man. It may very well not be any specific thing that you are doing, so please don't beat yourself up about it.

Just concentrate on what you two can do TOGETHER to help your marriage instead of how you "should have, could have, would have" done something different.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it must be very painful. Just keep your head up and try to be the best man you can be, if not for her then at least for yourself.

PS- The nightclubbing has got to stop, even if worse comes to worse and your marriage doesn't work out. No kid needs to deal with their mother prancing around in glitter with her gal pals eyeing men and neglecting her responsibilities. Especially if their family is split apart on top of it all. You've gotta put your foot down on this. The rest of your post could be based from your personal perspective, but when it comes to the clubbing thing she is absolutely in the wrong no matter what position you view it from.

I hope things work out for you two. Take care of yourself.

[MorningStar]

Hordak, she is walking all over you! Put your foot down. You let her talk you into surgery TWICE??? I say whichever spouse is more insistent on no more children should be the one to undergo surgery. Geez, a vasectomy is not like flipping a light switch. Stand up to her. She is treating you like crap going out clubbing too. There are certain things married women shouldn't do and that's one of them, unless you are going dancing with her. Have you seen the way people dance these days?

Ugh!!!!!

I'd like to talk some sense into her. I don't care if she's depressed or whatever - she needs to grow up and stop taking important things so lightly. You can still be friends? What the heck? You're MARRIED. Having children is kind of a big deal too.

Stand your ground and don't let her get away with this nonsense, even if she threatens to leave. What brought on her, "Let's just be friends" silliness? Was she not getting her way with something?

Ok, I know you love your wife and sorry if I sounded too hard on her, but I don't think it's helping you or her when you let her get away with that.

[Islander]

Originally Posted by hordak

Personally i agree.Unfortunately the Shrink doesn't.She thinks important for her to have a sense of self.And while i agree i wish she would find a better way.

I am quite sad to hear about your situation. it is unclear to me from Your original posting if you are a member of the church or not. It would help, at least me, to grasp the situation a bit better.

I suggest that your marriage has serious foundational issues and that the problems that you currently face are rather symptoms of those issues. It may be expensive, time consuming and quite a commitment to try and unravel these issues with appropriate help. You will never get anywhere with a secular counselor. After all, in today's society the well-being and emotional stability, fulfillment and contentment of "ME" is significantly more important than "US", the theory goes. You would be wasting your money and time there and I think you already been down that route.

I would not speculate about what the issues are. I would suggest, however, that you stop trying to "fix" your wife and trying the "make her see and understand" and try to get yourself together. You seemed to be stock in a pit of learned helplessness and despair that is very unhealthy. Your marriage is in serious peril and you are still thinking about having more children? YOU need help and much sooner than your wife. She seems to be doing whatever she wants to feel the way she wants. You, in the other hand, are drowning. I would seek APPROPRIATE help asap.

[lilered]

In my view JustMiss hit the issue square on the head. Hordaks bride not only has strong feelings, she has taken the next step by acting on them (clubbing etc. ). Assuming for a minute they have been married in the temple, then her actions are not in harmony with the covenants she made. If they haven't then at minimum her actions are not in harmony with LDS teachings. She is headed down a path that is heading to unhappiness. My recommendation be for Hordak to Fast and Pray intently for the Lords help and to hold tightly to the Iron Rod. Then seek counsel by talking privately to the Bishop about the marriage and her actions, professional marriage counseling certaintly may be the answer. She on the other hand may or may not be having hormonial issues but that is for a Doctor to determine. What we do know is that by her actions she definately starting to lead an abnormal life for a married woman living in a God centered family marriage from which only sorrow will be its reward. She must be the one to desire to repent and turn from this path.

[MrsHart]

Hordak, I am very sorry that you are going through this. I did not read all the responses from the other forumers, but I did read your postings in this thread, and here are the impressions that I get of your wife:

1. She's lonely. I know this sounds crazy, considering that she goes clubbing with her friends and such, but I think that she feels lonely within her marriage and family life. Perhaps not physically lonely, but emotionally lonely. You mentioned that you two go out alone only once or twice a year, which doesn't sound enough to me. Can you find someone to watch the kids while you go out on your dates, once a week? I understand that your children are part of the family, but you don't need to take them with you everywhere.

2. She goes out so much because while out, she feels that she is experiencing the fun that she feels no longer exists at home. Also, she could be depressed.

3. Maybe she wasn't ready to handle the responsibility that comes with having a family, and now feels the need to make up for "lost times."

4. She's bored. It's not an excuse, but it could be the reason.

Maybe your wife doesn't know how to talk to you about these things, and when she does talk to you, she is not giving you the whole story because she feels held back somehow.

[Mailis]

Many good suggestions here. I would be so mean that I would get a babysiter and sneak in the club she is in to dans with her..... and see at the same time what is happening with my own eyes. Is she drunk when she comes home?
Then if it is ok, then I would make a good dinner and suprise her one evening.... frie marsmellows with a candle in the living room??? Something crazy.
She is in army? Are any of her friends married, any LDS?

Maybe I just would talk with her about the situation plain and strait. You cant keep on doing ...or letting her do this to you all the time. Find out why she is doing this. Maybe the respect thing is because she is the one working. Maybe you need to find a job, you were studying or how was it? But you take care of the kids at daytime? When do you study?

[checkerboy]

I can tell you the one thing you don't want to do is make her feel like you are trying to control her. That is what did me in. I know you hate the fact that she is doing these things but if you follow her or try to check up on her if she is anything like my ex it will drive you further apart. We just can't make others act like we want them to.

[lilered]

One of the interesting points of this thread I find is that we are really discussing reversal of the traditional roles here. Generally its the man that works all the time, stops off at the bar with his buddies, isn't really happy at home and the dutiful wife is left at home all day long with running the household and raising children.

In this case, of course the genders are switched, but the issues are the same. Hordaks wifes is responsible for her decisions and actions and as such will have to answer for them should she break her marriage convenants and violate Hordaks trust as well as possible failure in her parental duties. Any marriage is worth trying to save and certaintly those steps should be explored. But bottom line, she is still responsible for her own decisions and actions.

[maria1981]

Originally Posted by BenRaines

Let me understand this. You and your wife have been married for five years and she is going out Clubbing with her girlfriends. Clubbing is a singles activity. Have you ever gone out and seen what goes on in these clubs? Maybe married couples might go but a married woman going with her girlfriends or co-workers. This is just asking for trouble.

She is married, a wife, a mother, time for her to decide that family is where it is at not out dancing and drinking with friends while husband is at home.

Ben Raines

i dont wont to upset u to much as u look very big and im a bit scared,

but this is not true for the good women who love thier husbands or partners,

i go out with girlfriends (not that often mind )
i would never dream of doing anything to hurt my partner i go out to have a dance and a giggle with the girls,
and so does my partner he goes out for meals and fishing with his male friends no girls aloud
why cant a young women go out and not be silly seems odd to think that all women will give in to temptation as we dont we can have a girly nite out and be good girls u know!!


this young mans problem is that his wife is very young and already has 2 wonderful children its all a bit much dont u think she is young and thinks she is missing out i felt like that when i had my first babie
i was confussed and shocked too, as becoming a parent is a massive thing and hard work something know one can prepare for
although i never went out all the time or do the things this young lady is doing it never stoped me from feeling that way
i even told my partner i was confussed an i wasnt sure we had made the right choice i was to young and i was 25 when i had my first
we had big fights over all this and nearly split up too,

but the bottom line was i loved him and my babie and that was that
when u give birth ur head and mind are not in the right place women brain fuction changes its a fact people we change and are thought patern is all over the place,
give her time it can last about a year after giving birth

if she truly doesnt love u then u need to be grown ups and sort out whot ur both going to do be posative about this as u cant have a lovless marrige this is not good for anyone even ur children will notice

mybe she just needs to feel as if she has a life too as u lose ur identaity when u have kids all new mums go through this u feel like u dont exsit anymore all ur thier for is the kids and ur life stops and when ur young u reblie against this to feel free

get a baby sitter and go out together let ur down have a bit of fun
let her have a girly nite out once a month
and u go fishing mybe once a month

do stuff as a family unit too on weekends when ur not working as long as ur time togther is fun and not boring go camping for a nite
camping can be romantic as well as a family fun time

let her feel free as a parent and wife its very healthy but also be stronge togther too

hope this helps

talk to her find the real problem and work on it if it realy is that she has fallen out of love then move on gracfuly

no sneaking around on her thats wrong and if u get found out u will just push her away even more
dont behave in a mannor of tryiong to catch her out or always thinking she is lying to u as u wont come across as loving her just controling her
and if u do that u wont have a wife anymore

[changed]

I have a family member who just went through the same thing. Stay at home dad, working mom. The role reversal thing did not work out.

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

I put my husband through school so that he could fullfill his G-d given role.
The best advice I would give would be to go to school get a good job, don't be a stay at home dad. Follow the advice of the prophet, and be the provider. Let your wife fulfill her natural given role, and she won't be so flighty.

Sorry, hope that was not too harsh...