How to get the spark back?

[hordak]

I feel weird posting this on a public forum but i have come to the realization i don't have any friends to talk to about it.They are either single or aren't friends of Hordak but friends of Mr AND Mrs Hordak. I would talk with family about it but i don't want it to affect their opinion of my wife.

After 5 years of wedded bliss my wife comes to me and tells me she is no longer in love with me.She still loves me but isn't IN love with me and that she thinks we shouldn't be together.She say we could still be friends,I have heard that exprestion with highschool relationships but it has never hurt so much as it has now.
It was like being thrown from a moving bus.I always thought we were the perfect couple.The biggest "arguments" we have had are who's going to change that dirty diaper and where should we go for dinner. We have been through so many challenges together, 2 children conceived on birth control in our 1st 2 years of marriage, buying then selling a house as the market started to go bad, 5 moves 2 of which were all the way across the country,the death of my mother and the death of her great grandmother,her dead beat dad coming back into her life, and 8 surgeries. I feel that if we can weather all that in 5 years we can get through anything.

It really came as such a shock.2 Months ago i had a surgery to regain my reproductive powers because she want's to have more kids. I think a big part of the problem lays with her.(Of course you would expect me to say that) but it seems she doesn't know what she wants. After our second child was born she asked me to get "fixed". I told her it was to early, chossing to not have anymore kids at 21 seemed a little premature but eventually i folded and got the surgery.A year latter she was hounding me to get the reversal. She tells me how she wants more kids then complains about how we don't have any us time because of the kids we have.She talks about how she loves being a mother then ignores them while she gets ready to go out to the club with her friends.Or gets a disappointed look when her friends text her and ask her to go out but she promised some family time and has to stay home.We don't have the money to take the kids to the museum but we have the money for her to get a new outfit for the club.Sometimes i think she is selfish.
She works hard and deserves a break,life out side the house but she spends more quality time with her friends then her family.It wasn't always like this.

She talked to a shrink and they came to the conclusion she doesn't respect me.She tells me how she gets tired of defending my career as a at home father to her mother and co workers but she is fine with me doing it.She is the one who suggested i do it from day one.She tells me i don't have enough follow through,and uses the fact that i have looked into collage and not started as an example but she was the one who said "i don't care if you stay at home forever, you will still have homework and PTA meetings to keep you busy.Plus we have at least 6 more year before the next child would be old enough to start school"
To me racking up $10,000 in loans over the next 2 years for a degree i won't use for at least 5 doesn't seem like smart financial planing.

I have convinced her to try marriage counseling but she isn't optimistic.and I'm am trying my hardest to follow through with my plans.
I have decided to go back to school.1 because i could use the challenge and change( i sure the at home mothers understand) 2 because i think she has a point. Although she has been been sending me mixed signals for the last few years i haven't done anything for me since before i was a father need to be able to define myself as something other then a father. 3 If it doesn't work out I won't have to live out of a car for longer the 2 years.

Does a women who doesn't know what she wants and a man she doesn't respect who has lost his drive have a chance to reconnect.?

So do i leave her alone til she finds herself then try to reignite the spark? Do I try to reignite the spark while she finds herself and hope she becomes the old her?
How do i reignite the spark? Do we work on ourselves individually first then the relationship?Will she stay long enough for us to "fix" ourselves and still have the desire and/or energy to fix us or will she give up and blindside me again.?

This is what goes through my head,and of course the major divorce issues i don't want to think about.

I think the thing that ticks me off/ saddens me the most is the timing. I'm reminded of elder Ukdorfs plane around the world story. If she had told me the problems while we were a few degrees off we could have fixed it relatively easily. And if we had continued to try and we couldn't fix it we could part ways.Instead she just let it fly off course and didn't say a word.We have so much more ground to cover.




Anyone been though something similar who can offer advice?

[BenRaines]

Let me understand this. You and your wife have been married for five years and she is going out Clubbing with her girlfriends. Clubbing is a singles activity. Have you ever gone out and seen what goes on in these clubs? Maybe married couples might go but a married woman going with her girlfriends or co-workers. This is just asking for trouble.

She is married, a wife, a mother, time for her to decide that family is where it is at not out dancing and drinking with friends while husband is at home.

Ben Raines

[a-train]

First, she is just hormonal.

Second, go out with her.

Third, get off the internet when she is around.

-a-train

[bytor2112]

When your wife goes "clubbing" with the girls and tells you she isn't in love with you anymore........ that is not good. If I were in your shoes and reading between the lines, I would be thinking that she is enjoying the attention she is surely getting from other men at these "clubs". She might be longing for the single life and may ultimately act on it. Marriage is a partnership.......you need to find a way to togetherness and get her to stop the clubing before something very damaging occurs. Take a cruise together, do something out of the norm.....start a hobby that you can do together. Start working out and get a tan.......take her to Salsa lessons. She is looking for excitement....but night clubs aren't the solution...if she is bored with the "married" version of Hordak, the clubs with or without you will just reminder her of that.

My wife went through this with me.......the solution for me was Heavenly Father and activity in church. My heart was softened and I stopped wanting the world and the attentions of other women and full recognized the blessings of my beautiful family. We are now sealed and happier and more content than ever before. The gospel really is the cure all........

[Gwen]

Originally Posted by a-train

First, she is just hormonal.

Second, go out with her.

Third, get off the internet when she is around.

-a-train

First, dismissing someones feeling or behavior on hormones is immature and no way to have a solid relationship of any kind.

Second, you don't know all the circumstances to her going out. has she asked? has he asked? is she open to it or running away? what are they going to do with the kids?

Third, again you don't know he's on the internet when she is around. if he is a stay at home dad then she would be at work right now. stay at home parents need "outside" interaction too. sometimes the internet is the only way to do that and take care of the kids. as well as sometimes it's the only place one can ask questions and get advice they can't ask the ppl in their lives (which he already pointed out).

to the op, i would suggest you use the search function and search some of the advise given to others that are having marriage trouble. you will need access to the open forums for some of them if you don't have that. there is a lot of information that has already been posted to others that may be very helpful.

here are a couple...
The five love languages - Chapman
http://www.lds.net/forums/adult-advi...-marriage.html

i would suggest maybe looking into this book His Needs, Her Needs has a lot of good information (outside of concern for an affair), you can shop around for the best price.

[hordak]

Originally Posted by BenRaines

Let me understand this. You and your wife have been married for five years and she is going out Clubbing with her girlfriends. Clubbing is a singles activity. Have you ever gone out and seen what goes on in these clubs? Maybe married couples might go but a married woman going with her girlfriends or co-workers. This is just asking for trouble.

She is married, a wife, a mother, time for her to decide that family is where it is at not out dancing and drinking with friends while husband is at home.

Ben Raines

Personally i agree.Unfortunately the Shrink doesn't.She thinks important for her to have a sense of self.And while i agree i wish she would find a better way.

[a-train]

Originally Posted by Gwen

First, dismissing someones feeling or behavior on hormones is immature and no way to have a solid relationship of any kind.

Men are constantly shocked when their wives seem indecisive, snappy, and suddenly confusing. We allow ourselves to get dragged into pointless arguments and messy confrontations between testosterone and hormones rather than between us and our wives. In the end, both we and our wives feel worse about the whole situation. Men need to simply understand that she doesn't mean it when she calls us an "idiot". She doesn't mean it when she says she thinks she is no longer in love. Simply show her love and respect and she'll get through it as will we.

Originally Posted by Gwen

Second, you don't know all the circumstances to her going out. has she asked? has he asked? is she open to it or running away? what are they going to do with the kids?

These logistics don't make the necessity of dating go away.

Originally Posted by Gwen

Third, again you don't know he's on the internet when she is around.

No I don't, would you suggest men stay on the internet while their wives are around? Or would you agree with my advice?

-a-train

[Gwen]

Originally Posted by a-train

First, she is just hormonal.

Second, go out with her.

Third, get off the internet when she is around.

-a-train

Originally Posted by a-train

Men are constantly shocked when their wives seem indecisive, snappy, and suddenly confusing. We allow ourselves to get dragged into pointless arguments and messy confrontations between testosterone and hormones rather than between us and our wives. In the end, both we and our wives feel worse about the whole situation. Men need to simply understand that she doesn't mean it when she calls us an "idiot". She doesn't mean it when she says she thinks she is no longer in love. Simply show her love and respect and she'll get through it as will we.

These logistics don't make the necessity of dating go away.

No I don't, would you suggest men stay on the internet while their wives are around? Or would you agree with my advice?

-a-train

lol ok so maybe it's how men and women hear things or the need of a man to use as few words as possible but i don't think those two posts say the same thing. lol

i can almost agree with the second post....... i would be more agreeable to this.....

first, having babies does a number on her hormones. have you considered issues there? sometimes things get blown way over the top due to it. hormones don't invalidate her feelings or concerns but may explain how they are expressed.

second, her going out may be expressing a need to be social again. have the two of you been dating? though the logistics may be difficult you both need to get out and socialize with each other.

third, though the internet may be helpful in find advise or having "outside" contact from just the kids. i would caution you to not over do it and make sure you are there for her when she is home or it will just push her further away. the same is true for any other activities that keep you apart when she is home (tv, hobbies, etc)

yes a-train i give you permission to say i'm splitting hairs and blame it on me being a hormonal woman i need to remember hordak is a stay at home dad, not a stay at home mom. though i can relate somewhat, he's sill a guy.

sorry for the digression hordak.

[ceeboo]

Originally Posted by BenRaines

Let me understand this. You and your wife have been married for five years and she is going out Clubbing with her girlfriends. Clubbing is a singles activity. Have you ever gone out and seen what goes on in these clubs? Maybe married couples might go but a married woman going with her girlfriends or co-workers. This is just asking for trouble.

She is married, a wife, a mother, time for her to decide that family is where it is at not out dancing and drinking with friends while husband is at home.

Ben Raines

Hello Ben,



ABSOBATOOOOTLY, Cound not have said it better

This, IMHO, Is indeed a HUGE problem in our society today

Peace
Ceeboo

[JustMiss]

This is not an easy situation. But I do remember the day I told my husband I was not in love with him. I remember telling him that I loved him but wasn't in love with him. I truly meant it. I felt almost dead inside. It was a very hopeless feeling and it was the hardest thing I had to tell him. I even told him that I felt trapped. Not that I wanted to go out or anything like that. I felt trapped as a mother and wife and constantly having so many demands put on me. I felt he was very unappreciated of anything that was done and I felt that nothing I did or the kids did were ever good enough. He was working a lot and so was I and going to school. He was snappy with the kids and I just hated being in the same room with him. I became very matter of fact about it actually. I think that was defense to try and shield myself. But I was not ready to give up on my marriage. He moved to a separate room. I enjoyed my space. We avoided each other and nothing was getting fixed. We had pushed each other to such extremes in our marriage that we literally had to start over. I held on for years trying to make our marriage work as he just got worse and worse. I finally just became closed off. Then he realized what the years has cost us and about to cost him. He began praying for our marriage. I did not. At that point I had the attitude, "if it works it works, if it don't I gave it my all".... and I believed that because I had loved him through some very awful years. The down talking the begrading. It took him probably almost a year or so of watching him change. He was open when we discussed things. He more importantly listened and heard me o ut. He had more patience with the kids. But I still stayed closed off. He would get upset and feel if I just lowered my wall and let him in everything would be ok. But the problem was, I had no feelings for him besides a dim light of hope. He was my friend and the father of my girls. I know this don't seem like a very hopeful post. But finally I was humbled and I realized that I couldn't fix my marriage and that my husband couldn't fix our marriage. My husband had been praying and we finally started praying as a family, then again together. Finally I just had to ask the Lord to help me forgive. That was the barrier. I told him I forgived him of things but there was still a wedge. THEN I had to ask the Lord to help me see my husband through His eyes. To help have Christ's love for my husband dwelling in me. I wanted to be able to talk with my husband and be convicted of things and have my tongue held of things and have that forgiving heart. Then I invited the Lord into our marriage. I had to complete surrender myself to God and let him put me and my husband and our marriage together. AND he did. This month we will be married 15 years. God is powerful and loving and faithful and will help if you ask him and allow him. I had to give into the fact that asking God for help then trying to fix it myself wasn't working. I had to ask him for help and allow him to help.